slightly crunchy

weezer cruise!

2012-01-29T20:42:00.001-05:00

we are back from the weezer cruise! whoo boy best vacation in the history of vacations! despite my constant, as maggie says "pre-diarrhea feeling" (henceforth known as PDF) leading up to leaving, in which i asked every tom, dick, and harry if they would pray for me/send me good vibes/light a candle/etc. while i traveled i was pleasantly surprised how little i freaked out compared to how much i anticipated i would! i sat and prayed with my good friend jamie and we both had a similar vision of me traveling in a bubble and that no one could enter that bubble without Jesus's consent and knowledge. good grief did i feel that! i got on our first flight and dude next to david had a samaritan's purse tshirt and the person across the aisle from me was reading a devotional on his ipad. TEARS DUDES.

since we purchased the cruise tickets through groupon we also got a free, one night stay in miami. schwing! so we arrived a day early and hung out near bayside/downtown for the evening. our hotel was swamped with weezerians and i heard all of the downtown hotels were the same. there were two cruisemate meet-ups but we skipped both to watch a pbs documentary on whales. /nerdtalk. also, i saw a girl working at the restaurant that we ate at that looked like a clone of billy piper (from doctor who) and i creeped her until she was probably uncomfortable. "sorry" my only regret about our time in miami is that we didn't eat somewhere more "miami". i really wanted some cuban food but we were so HONGRY by the time we went out that we were just like EAT ANYTHING, ANYWHERE NOW!

we boarded the boat around noon on thursday. i've been on a cruise before but this was so much more exciting because everyone was of our average age and there for a more singular purpose. i was nervous that our room, being without a window, would make me/us feel claustrophobic but it was great and more spacious even than the last cruise we'd been on. sidebar: this cruise was carnival and our previous cruise was on royal caribbean. there was some quantifiable differences between the two for sure. the royal caribbean had better formal dining food and cleaner bathrooms, but like i said, our room was bigger and this boat had more to do like a waterpark and mini golf. first and foremost the ship went over safety and life boat procedures naturally. i've heard that the boat that sank near italy didn't do this so they are even more strict about it now. immediately concluding that the whole boat rushed to the outdoor pavilion to see the first weezer show. somehow magically we ended up in the front row, literally touching the stage. they played the entire blue album with all the hits. it was amazing! later that night dinosaur jr. played the first of their three shows on the ship and HOLY TOO LOUD BATMAN! someone in the weezer shipmates facebook group said that their son ruptured his eardrum during the set and i don't doubt it. both david and i's ears rang for two straight days and we only ended up staying for a handful of songs because it was so unbelievably loud! the topper to the first day was a movie under the stars hosted by brian bell. i sat under the stars, snuggled in my weezer snuggie, and watched one of my childhood favorite movies, young frankenstein, while nomming on pizza (which was free and available 24/7 ill add).

the next day was much the same pleasure. we played mini golf, rock and roll bingo, and lounged in the sun listening to amazing music while staring at the ocean drift by. they had a large water slide and we went down that a few times, swam in the salt water pools, and generally interspersed lazy times with good food and amazing shows. the best band of this day was a band called Boom Bip, who were very boards of canada-y. we spent an hour laying in the sun while these guys played on the deck. it was kind of perfect. we met some amazing brazilian guys at dinner wherein one of them and i talked about doctor who for an hour. the five of us hung out off and on for the rest of the trip and keep in contact now through instagram and facebook. the only downside of this day was when we went to a game show where weezer was the contestants answering jeopardy type questions. there was an incredibly drunk girl that was obnoxious that shouted out every answer from the crowd and somehow got up on stage. it was baaad. the boat goers were generally wasted the whole time but she was the only one the entire trip that was drunk to the point on infringing on our good time.

saturday was the best overall day in my opinion. that was the day we hit port in cozumel. the last time we were in cozumel we went snorkeling, which was amazing. in another part of mexico we saw the mayan ruins. so both of those options were out. we ended up doing a version of the amazing race (like the tv show) because we are such big fans of the show. knowing this was coming i was even more pumped to get into better shape for the cruise because a) it was very physical and b) dudes, i wanted to win! if you've never seen the show, it's basically like a big scavenger hunt where one clue sends you to the next, sends you to the next. the difference is that to get a clue you typically have to do something to get it such as perform a task (like a local custom for example) or decipher a cryptogram. im big into mysteries and following clues and all that so this was perfect! some clues sent us to a museum, a market, snorkeling at a sunken ship, local businesses, a tattoo shop, local landmarks and statues, and restaurants. at one point we were 5-10 minutes up from everyone else but we got caught up when we misread a clue and wound up getting third place overall. the restaurant we finished at provided an amazing lunch and drinks. we approximated that we flat out ran at least 4 miles, which would explain our major sweatiness in the finish line photo. i would do that again in a heartbeat!

after the race we went shopping for an hour or two but we so dead tired that it was kind of joyless on my end. some dude offered us weed or anything else we'd want. (we declined) we got augustine a real mexican whip, olive a doll, and me a hugenormous toblerone. we got back to the ship around 4 and had two hours to kill before the next show we wanted to see so we got straight into a hot tub. sweet baby jesus did we need it! we went to see dinosaur jr. again, this time outdoors so it wasn't near as ear shattering. then we had a formal dinner where we ate ourselves sick. i believe somewhere after that we both fell asleep watching a movie. we had just enough time to relax and power up before we saw our second weezer show. this one was inside a concert hall of sorts and everyone had assigned seats. our seats sucked but hey, they were playing the pinkerton album so we didn't mind! this show felt different than the first but just as sweet. the first show was the blue album and radio hits, this one was pinkerton, b-sides, and favorites that the shipmates had voted on.

sunday morning we got up, got fancy, and renewed our vows with scott (the bassist from weezer). it was short and sweet but i found our vows romantic. scott seemed genuine in his belief in marriage so that was nice. i was worried that it would be silly and not serious but i was proved wrong. as we were killing time before the ceremony started the host gave the mic to a seeminly random guy hanging about and the guy proposed right there in front of everyone! it was so sweet! right before lunch we got our photo taken with the band. david specifically forbade me from "getting handsy" with brian bell. LOLforever! i still stood behind him though and didn't geek too much. basically we filed in cabin by cabin and they snapped a photo and you left. it was very quick and you couldn't talk to them or anything. when looking at the website where our photo was hosted you can see that one guy got down on his knee and proposed right in front of the band, in the photo! again, so freaking sweet! i mean what a once in a lifetime opportunity.

so yeah, that pretty much sums of the boat portion of things: a lifetime opportunity.

the flight home was okay. our flight from miami to atlanta was delayed an hour or so which made our connecting flight insanely tight. i never thought we'd made it. by the time our plane landed our next flight was leaving in 10 minutes. my anxiety started kicking in and i started freaking out a little. it didn't even matter if we missed it really but any diversion from our plan threw me off and made me nuts a little. so i started getting really emotional as we were boarding (luckily the terminals were only two gates apart! thank you Jesus!) because of that. then a group of little kids were on our flight and one had a backpack that said olivia. i had this strange realization that i hadn't thought about the kids very much while gone and now i was so close to seeing them again. add those two things together and the fact that i was generally travel weary, had taken 1 1/2 ativan, and had had nothing but junk food (tea + toberone + french fries basically) and i ended up in the toilet getting sick and crying my eyes out for a few minutes. afterward i felt much better and snuggled on david's shoulder until we got to columbus. when we were picking up our luggage saw spied two little kids with welcome home signs running towards us and well, you can imagine how it went from there!

so glad we did it! so glad we are home!

shoe talk

2012-01-12T17:18:00.001-05:00

GUYS I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT SHOES.

i've never been super girly in many respects but all of a sudden i really am interested in those things that go on your feet! within the last year i've bought FIVE new pair, which is approximately 4.5 more than i usually buy per year. they are as follows:

Jeffrey Campbell "Raid" shoes in white
Paul Green "Jano" in black
Jeffrey Campbell "Be Well" in red
and then today i bought some Jeffrey Campbell "Revolver" shoes in paprika
earlier in the year i went shopping with maggie and bought a pair of adorable but ill-fitting black shoes that i've never worn BUT STILL. FIVE PAIRS OF SHOES. in my defense not a single pair was full price. heck every single pair was bought at more than 50% off! still it feels excessive but kind of fun.

oh the places you'll go!

2012-01-10T14:14:00.002-05:00

how can i get david to take me to burning man? there is a 0% chance of that ever happening.

year in review

2012-01-01T20:53:00.001-05:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
- attended a shemira for a friend's son who died
- observed lent
- lead a bible study
- experienced allergies
- WORKED OUT FAITHFULLY

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i think i said something about giving up my false perceptions of how i am responsible for other people's emotions and actions. i think i did okay with that. i think 2012 will be an attempt to not complain.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
not in real life, oddly enough. though 5 or 6 of my friends are pregnant now

4. Did anyone close to you die?
two friend's lost children. henry to anencephaly at birth, and deacon was hit by a car at age 2.

5. What countries did you visit?
none. sucko

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
less complaining

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
i don't remember the dates but i vividly remember getting the phone call about deacon being hit by the car, and the single hour i spent alone with henry's casket. those were just so powerful and emotional.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
starting and leading what has so far been a successful small group. also, gaining a lot of ground with my anxiety. hellooooooo celexa!

9. What was your biggest failure?
struggling in a big way to see my neighbor through the eyes of Jesus.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i yorked my neck and overworked my legs during a workout but besides that i can't remember even a cough.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
linus, our french bulldog

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
david. he works so hard and faithfully at everything he does.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my neighbor

14. Where did most of your money go?
mortgage, food, car payment

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my 30th birthday and subsequent birthday bash

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter but happier on celexa so no complaints!
iii. richer or poorer? making in rain bills all up in herr

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
prayed

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worthless interneting

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
we woke up early, i made a big breakfast of sausage, bacon, cinnamon rolls, juice + tea, and david made french toast. we opened gifts and laid around basking at our colossally wrecked house from the weekends festivities. we didn't go to church even though it was sunday morning because we had gone to a late communion service the night before with my family. i took a nap. i made a very healthy chicken parmesan for all of us to enjoy when david's parents came over. we exchanged gifts one final time and when they left i took ANOTHER nap. you know, one for sunday (as is part of my "religion") and another because it was christmas.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
always

23. How many one-night stands?
ha!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
doctor who foreverrrr.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no.

26. What was the best book you read?
oh gosh too many! i fall in love with almost every book i read. the girl with the dragon tattoo series? the maze runner series? southern vampier series? i read 46 books in 2011.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
little joy?

28. What did you want and get?
lots and lots of glorious sleep, a better marriage, a circle of amazing people, God's faithfulness, healthy family, oh and a french bulldog

29. what did you want & not get?
peace with my neighbor

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
sherlock holmes

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
we had a huge bash at wild goose creative with a Real caterer. i was 30

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
peace with my neighbor

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
power clashing, high end thrift store, toeing the line of ugly/cute

34. What kept you sane?
my husband + celexa + jesus

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
bah.

37. Who did you miss?
no one in particular

38. Who was the best new person you met?
we went from "i know you" to "good friends with" dan starcher

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
everyone is damaged, everyone carries their baggage with them into the next experience, but there is hope for healing. my dog linus taught me and teaches me this

40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
uhhh....

vlog

2011-12-23T16:05:00.002-05:00

&

also two pictures

turning 30, weezer

2011-12-09T12:34:00.003-05:00

hey i turned 30 this week. tomorrow night we're having a big birthday party, complete with junk food themed catering and desserts. I AM STOKED! i've got myself a pretty new dress and shoes, my friend chelsea is making a matching headband? bow? i've been studying make up tutorials on pinterst to find one i wanted to use for the night. i settled on this one (minus the heavy eyeliner because that isn't my style) and the above picture is my trial run of it complete with FAKE EYELASHES. they are not nearly so dramatic when my eyes are open i swear. so yes, 30. some people get weird about certain birthdays but meh, it's seriously nothing but good stuff for me. the 20s are too full of TRYING and searching and i'm anticipating my 30s being more BEING if that makes sense.

have i mentioned we're going on a cruise? a rock n' roll cruise no less! our 10 year anniversary is next year and this is going to be our splurge (even though our anniversary is in june and the cruise is in january). there are going to be 20 bands! WEEZER! DINOSAUR JR.! SEBADOH! THE ANTLERS! check out this video.

they are having an 80s prom night, ugly sweater contest, belly flop competition, rivers cuomo is doing a reading from him book, we get to see weezer play twice, meet them & have our picture taken with them, not to mention go to mexico. ALSO! one of david and i's current favorite tv show is the amazing race and they have an on-shore version of that for cruise members to do while in mexico! i'm only slightly excited to get my picture taken with BRIAN BELL! also today happens to be his birthday. so in the spirit of cruising i'm going to have to get into a bathing suit so i am on my first diet. it's basically as low carb and low sugar as i can bear. yesterday i had just a cup of tea with one lump of sugar in it, which is saying a lot. i'm running 3-4 times per week and lifting weighs at least once a week. my only goal is to get rid of my little belly flub and really, it's small so whatever. but the cruise is in mid january and i don't want to get more flubbery with holiday noms so in between holiday celebrations i'm on a diet. i went to the grocery store yesterday and bought 10 pineapples, 2 bags of apples, 4 peppers, a sack of green beans, 1 bag of pears, 10 lbs of clementines, 4 tubs of strawberries, 1 lb of walnuts, 1 lb of almonds, a salad mix, 10 lbs of sweet potatoes, 5 lbs of yellow potatoes, and 3 tubs of low fat cottage cheese. this, along with eggs, will be my diet indefinitely. i'm not looking to get crazy with this but if i'm going to be meeting weezer and hanging out in a bathing suit i want to look good.

guide my eyes

2011-11-22T14:38:00.001-05:00

augustine was tested for giftedness in math at school. i feel weird saying this because it doesn't seem very much in line with my parenting style/personality but i am freaking pumped! i spoke with this teacher at conferences last week and he is now allowed to work on special programs during what is otherwise just computer time. see, david has a strong disposition for engineering and mathematics in his family but oh, baby not in mine. my genes however bring a love and pride in learning new things. i feel like our genes combined might produce some very capable children. im very smart in other areas but math, not so much. which is why i've drilled augustine with numbers since he showed any sort of propensity for it (kindergarten). im kind of scared that either of our children will inherit our negative, intellectual-related things: david's lack of enthusiasm for working on getting good grades, my sense of goofing off at school, etc.

a major development has happened in augustine's life. we have lost his lovey! i feel confident that it is here in our house somewhere but where is anyone's guess. i literally dream about it every few nights and i bound out of bed and see if it really is where my dream told me it would be. nay. lovey never leaves the house unless he is sleeping over at someone's home and he went missing last thursday sooo... it's kind of stressful as you can imagine. probably more on me because i am sentimental and all that, but augustine asks for it every night. the guy has slept with it every night since he was 3 months old! i feel silly but i pray that my mind and eyes would be directed to find it like a million times per day.

a comparison

2011-11-01T15:15:00.000-04:00

2011

2010

thrifty but not inexpensive finds

2011-10-24T17:45:00.001-04:00

i realized by going through some of my older entries noted "thrifty finds" that i might give the impression that i only shop at thrift stores. which it's true that MOST of my clothes come second hand through clothing swaps or thrift stores i definitely splurge once in a while on some things. example: this weekend there was a huge reduction sale for a dozen or so fabulous stores in the short north (which is a very trendy, shopping/nightlife district here in columbus). sale items were up to 90% off!! david, my bff aaron, and i paid $5 and got in early and tore through the 10,000 sq/ft warehouse getting deals. here's what i came out with

dear creatures skandia dress. regularly $135. got it for $45!
jeffrey campbell be-well shoes. regularly $150. got them for $75!
dress, $15!

also! my husband made me a new closet!!

fall!

2011-10-14T11:05:00.001-04:00

david's busy season is upon us, and has been since september i suppose. i don't want to get into it but he works 15 hours a day 6 days a week usually. SCA-REW DAT. but oddly our marriage is still rock solid and we aren't at each others throats and falling into passive aggression to get out point across. so this is what 9 years of marriage has brought us! i love that man. i was reminded of this when recently our 10-years-since-he-proposed occurred. i remember so vividly wanting to marry him since i was 15 years old and cried and of course said an ecstatic yes but shortly thereafter felt a sharp thumping in my chest that told me i would ruin his life with my baggage. gosh i was young and egotistical to think that my issues could RUIN someones life. if anything it's made us stronger oddly enough.

i've been laid up in bed with a crick in my neck for two days. yesterday i was literally in bed so long that i read an entire book! ice pack + aleve are mah friends. olive laid in bed with me and fed me ice cream. she said "just click your teeth and open your mouth and i'll know you want a bite!" (because i couldn't turn my head to retrieve a bite from her). good grief my children are sweetums.

i am actively planning my 30th birthday party in december. we've rented a party space, got the menu from the catered nailed down, and i am of course trying to plan the perfect party mix. i am waffling on what direction to take it. "royal tenenbaums threw a party" type music of "upbeat shake your hips" sound. decisions, decisions. the menu is SO ME so far. junk food + comfort food ahoy!

fall is here and it is beautiful! warm but crisp and the leaves are of course so lovely in ohio. this is the peak week here and i just want to take pictures of everything! im not much of a photographer but yes, so much beauty in every corner of my eye. we went to a pumpkin patch + apple picking recently. we now have 40 lbs of delicious apples (melrose + suncrisp) that we crunch on all day every day. some jerk vandalized one of our pumpkins by spray painting it. WHO DOES THAT?

halloween costume! augustine is going to be indiana jones, his new obsession.

beautiful sunrise or sunset. i can't remember

i mean shut up with those beautiful lashes!

snippet of our fridge. life is good

olive has two major loves right now. her hoard of little toy elephants and her dollhouse

as of late

2011-09-21T14:17:00.001-04:00

soccer is in full swing

pumpkin whoopie pies that were to die for

en motha russia ze hat wears YOU

seriously, how beautiful are my kids?

fall shoes

date night!

patterns and patterns lately

breffis of champions

FREE legos from my friend ryan's childhood

life is rough

showing off her newly lost tooth

TNFH saga continues

2011-09-13T20:32:00.001-04:00

monday nights we have share a meal and bible study at our house. i find it not at all surprising that this night, or because of events that take place on this night are a constant source of madness from The Neighbors From Hell™. last night olive and another girl wanted to go outside to ride skateboards/scooters and the older girl pulled me aside and whispered, "he's not going to yell at me and make me go inside is he?" i said NO WAY as long as they stay off the driveway and were only on the sidewalk. within minutes the guy put up his garage door and stood there, arms crossed, watching the kids scoot around. half way through our discussion augustine comes busting in saying that olive was outside crying. according to three of the children, olive was WALKING HER SCOOTER ACROSS "THEIR" SIDEWALK and the wife barked at olive to leave. by the time i got out there olive was hiding in our garage in a puddle of tears and the mom was pacing around spitting mad. i thought that olive had been on their driveway so i apologized to her and said that i had told them not to go on their property. she blew me off and rolled her eyes.

olive practically collapsed on me in tears and said she didn't want to tell me what had happened. which meant it was really sad/bad. this is when the three kids outside told me in no uncertain terms that the woman had been bullying olive. it wasn't what she said it was HOW she said it.

so yeah, we are going to GO THERE now. i talked with a lawyer today and have a tentative meeting with another if i need him. i also spoke with the city right of way manager and got straight answers from him about how it is illegal to prevent anyone from accessing public sidewalks. he said to give them his name and number if they needed clarification on the rights involved here.

i seriously want to cuss.

but as much as i want to cuss i also want to cry. cry for my child being humiliated by some jerk abusing their authority and role as an adult. cry because i have an extremely painful memory of an adult treating me much the same way. i felt deeply unprotected and bullied. in fact that is really the only memory i have in my whole life where i felt bullied but even as i write this i am having an emotional response to the memory. i did what i wanted to be done for me in that moment, to be scooped up, reassured of her safety and deep affection within this family, and threw any blame she felt off of her little shoulders.

and as i can articulate that safety, affection, protection, acceptance, and freedom to my daughter i still can't detach myself from the opposite of that when i recall the drunken slurs barked in my face when i was a kid. i woke up in a panic today, atrophied in my bed feeling violent waves of terror settling into my bones. so much of my triggers involve abuse of power. it is not only morally repugnant to abuse the powerless but so deeply damaging. come hell or high water i will protect my child from that kind of bull. but in bed when it was just me i shrank back into my little child mind and it overcame me. this is a reminder of my struggle with post traumatic stress. it doesn't always rear it's head but when it does it is paralyzing. i prayed, took an ativan, cried, and reached for the computer to send an email to my intimate friends about how i was feeling in that moment. somehow my feet hit the floor and augustine's lunch got made and i found myself standing at the bus stop. TNFH scuttled away as soon as i got there. around the corner swung one of my best friends, rachel come to stand beside me and hold my hand through the hard time. i cried and threw my arms around her neck more than once. the way to get through this is together. isolation and paralysis are the lies we believe! i got multiple loving texts and an invitation to two friends homes to be together.

this wall isn't so tall when you're standing on your friend's shoulders. such holy friendships i possess!

not so nightmare-y dental experience

2011-09-10T22:41:00.002-04:00

if there is one piece of knowledge that i have gleaned from being a mother it is THAT YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE MOTHER-GUILT. i mean there's all kinds of other things to say about being a parent but right know im knee deep in mama-guilt. primarily because olive had a tooth abscess and while of course it's not my fault, i feel like i should have seen the signs and gotten her into the dentist sooner. in april she had a cavity filled and it was awful! HORRIBLE!

so maybe two months ago i started feeling suspicious that her tooth was looking discolored. the way i knew she had a cavity somewhere was that her breath was smelly. well that smell never really went away but i reasoned that it was just "something". well it was. turns out they didn't clear out all of the bacteria from the cavity space and now the root is infected. a pocket (like this one and in that same spot) had been created full of what im sure is totally foul pus and it had to be drained along with having the tooth extracted.

the dentist we went to before was not a pediatric dentist and they didn't have gas for her to relax with so we went somewhere else.

i am so sad and mama-bearing it all. i feel guilty and worried on her behalf. like, what if someone makes fun of her? what if she feels self conscious? what if she starts smiling with her mouth closed because of this? IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY/SAD ON HER BEHALF. this is what her mouth looks like now

it's not THAT bad but i am worried that it will look a little... "trashy"? bear in mind that the adult teeth usually do not come in in that area until they are around 7. heck augustine is 6 1/2 and he has never lost a single tooth!

the good news is that she did great during the procedure. the nitrous gas was definitely the right way to go. we had augustine's first soccer game at 10:30 and olive's appointment at 11. so david took olive solo until i finished up the game and joined them. she was feeling really relaxed by the time i got there and i was just in time to see them yank the tooth out. which i watched. it was kind of interesting! once i knew she was in no pain i was fine seeing it but david said it felt too hard to see olive go through that. i mean how many times are you going to witness a tooth being pulled? i sang to her while it was going on and david held her hands. she seemed fine with it all THANK YOU JESUS. she got a little emotional once the gas was taken off and tearfully reached out to david to hold her.

im so glad that's over!

so long sweet summer

2011-09-07T23:16:00.004-04:00

summer is over and i am actually pretty happy about that. i don't have the heart to live anywhere that doesn't experience seasonal change. ohio is best when it is a'changing. fall in ohio is gorgeous and full of smells and intense color, winter is beautiful and teaches us about quiet and stillness and at times madness from the gray sky, spring is so full of hope it is amazing, and summer is luscious and full of heat. it is woven into my dna to experience and cherish radical seasonal change and i doubt i could ever be all that satisfied without it. summer was full and i am ready for a crisp nip in the air. here's a look back at my summer

lots of walks

baseball game

fun at the park

tons of great books

new experiences

new recipes

staying up late

same ol' same ol' with good people

summer block party

new accessories

so. much. thrifting.

found 100+ four leaf clovers this summer!

FAIR FOOD (this was a krispie kream donut double bacon cheeseburger)

new experiences with old friends

picnicking at the park

early evening walks/scootering

red lipstick!

no explanation necessary

getting into bowties

dressing up

canning

winding down after a long day of first grade

ain't no lover like the one i got

2011-09-02T10:46:00.001-04:00

ain't no lover like the one i got.

The Neighbor From Hell™

2011-09-01T12:35:00.000-04:00

GUYS MY NEIGHBOR IS CRAZY.

if ever i mention "a neighbor" just assume, unless otherwise stated that it is The Neighbor From Hell™. This week during bible study wherein 5-7 children were playing outside he barked at them to get off of his driveway. I should interject here that if i haven't already made it explicitly clear in other entries our neighborhood is CHILL. very community oriented, sharing, full of people who are spirited, prone to freak flag flying and the like, as well as being super friendly. so living next to TNFH is a big shock! the last two apartments of our have been in the same neighborhood and we had neighbors over for dinner or coffee at least once a week not to mention chatting each other up almost daily as we went about our lives. anyways - his 8 yr old daughter, the week prior, had expressed major stress about children on her dad's driveway "because he doesn't want it to get dirty."

yes. A DRIVEWAY. getting dirty. you know, like outside in nature!? wthforever

so tuesday night or so i'm out mowing the lawn and as i'm wheeling the mower back to my lovely, sweet neighbors across the street (see! people share stuff here!) i see TNFH waiting on our property line. now, this part is hard to articulate but everything about this guy comes off aggressively. the way he stands leaning towards me, arms crossed, the tone and pitch of his voice, and definitely the language he uses. he says "consider this your verbal warning" about the driveway thing. then goes on to say that if it happens again that one of his THREE lawyers that he "has on retainer! [he] could call them right now!" will be forwarding a letter that they have prepared noting my non-compliance. his jabbing finger and the fact that he is a foot taller than me is making me want to have diarrhea. my face is red in embarrassment and rage. i say MESSAGE RECEIVED and go back in the house.

that night i tell david all about our altercation and at 7:30 am david is knocking on his door saying the following:

- he will never speak to me that way again
- we are fine chatting about anything but if he has an ISSUE he will knock on our door LIKE A MAN and speak with david about it. not corner his wife or bark at his children.
- david called him out on his intimidation scheme both to me and us as a family.
- he owes me an apology
- he is full of crap regarding the whole lawyer, "non-compliance" mumbo jumbo. the charges could only be trespassing and david said, "are you really going to haul my 6 yr old into court?!"

at which point he said the guy looked like our dog when she pees in the corner (LOL!) and admitted that he had been drinking a lot that night and that he would apologize to me. time will tell if this will happen but GO DAVID! i am so loved by that man!

two for the price of one

2011-08-24T10:31:00.002-04:00

&

guys i can't stop taking pictures of all of my thrifted outfits! i mean i am SERIOUS when it comes to thrifting. i love the thrill of digging through endless racks of clothes and finding an item that i love. i usually go shopping twice a month or so i'd say and for the price of a single item at say, H&M i can get a cart full of goodies at the thrift store.

this week i went with two amazing friends amber and chelsea and i scored:

a beautiful, plaid bow tie
a plaid jumper
4 pairs of colorful or patterned tights
a pair of black, suede oxford shoes
a headscarf
leg warmers
gingham button up (that fits like it was made for me)
purple, leather high-waisted skirt
TWO PAIR OF MARC JACOBS SHORTS (for $4.50 each!!)

(the above pictured yellow shorts retail for $198 and i practically stole them!)

true story

2011-08-21T21:03:00.001-04:00

true story

food and the force

2011-08-11T20:54:00.001-04:00

i can't remember the last time i got groceries. 2? 3 weeks? i got "dinner party" groceries before the harry potter party but that doesn't count because i bought nothing else but what was for that. i have occasionally gotten eggs and milk at the co-op but anyways i have no idea how we've been managing or what we've been eating. today for lunch i made a very limited lo mein for the kids and finally was like WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD!? only to realize the above mentioned. i got MEGA GROCERIES ($200 freaking dollars!) and my children were running a little wild using "the force" to open and close the automatic doors near the check out. i always go to the same check out guy if he's working. he's a very sweet young college aged guy who always remembers any detail i share with him. he greeted me today with "how did the harry potter party go?" which just made me smile because usually check out people are bare minimum talkers just doing their job, which is fine but it's refreshing to see someone cheerful and all that.

meals for the week:
~~sandwiches with corn on the cob~~
black bean burgers w/ salad
meatloaf w/ mashed potatoes
creamy baked chicken taquitos
shepherd's pie w/ quinoa salad
stir fry
mujadara

speaking of the force. two weeks ago david, augustine, and i went to awesomefest. (which is a bike, movie, and tattoo triathlon). naturally aug and i didn't do the cycling or tattoos but we did do the movie marathon, which was star wars! augustine made it until almost 11 pm and only missed about 20 minutes of the last movie. it was pretty rad.

Linus

2011-08-08T13:05:00.001-04:00

this is linus.

he was in pretty bad shape, though not as bad as it could have been, when he came to us last friday. he is not housebroken and he feels an intense need to mark his territory. which means EVERYWHERE considering this territory has already been claimed by our other dog dolores. thankfully neither dog is an alpha and they seem suited to each others temperment. because dolores is a boxer she has much more energy so she has to be thoroughly worn out already before she can play with linus as equals. otherwise he gets run over a bit. when i first met him at the rescue shelter the kind woman told me what she knew of him. that he had been born and raised in a puppy mill and was acting as the primary french bulldog stud. he was between 4-5 years old and had never been played with nor been outside (which is SICK). she was unsure what his diet was but from his horrible smell, flaking skin, and excessive shedding we can pretty much deduce that he had the crappiest, crap diet from craptown you can imagine. we have had him in our home for 4 days and he still hasn't eaten much by way of dog food. we have however figured out that he loves eggs and oatmeal (??) so once or twice i've stirred egg into his food bowl. i would not say that he is shy but he is definitely very jumpy. if you touch him without him premeditating the contact he will jump out of his skin or go flat to the ground. the first day he literally just slunk around and every time we tried to touch him his ears flattened and he cowered like we were going to hit him. also, his ears were a total ball of disgusting blobs but i took care of that. he has spent his entire existence inside a 3x4 crate on a concrete floor with no toys or people to interact with. that hasn't hindered him in the least with connected with and trusting my children or us though!

the saddest and also happiest part of him is his lack of contact with the outdoors so far in his life. it is awful that anyone would do this to an animal!! however seeing the joy he takes at curiously poking trees and rolling in the grass almost makes me cry. we literally have to pick him up and take him inside because once he touches grass he won't part with it willingly. he was completely unaware of what it meant to jump being as he spent 4-5 years in a crate but already he has learned quickly how to traverse a short distance up and down stairs. i am so angry at the people who owned him before. i understand the lure of money to some degree but the complete disregard for an animals dignity is beyond me.

happy anniversary to me!

2011-07-27T13:29:00.001-04:00

A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory. - Matthew 12:20

i want to tell you all of the fun things i did last week while my kids were gone but i was given pause earlier when i realized that it has been a year since my emotional breakdown. A YEAR.

a year since i gave myself up to the pain and trauma and loosened my tongue to truth. a year since i went on medication. a year since i had to set up emergency counseling. an entire freaking year since i could not pull myself out of bed, take care of my children, eat, sleep without screaming, or leave my house. it has been a year since love saved my life. so i am taking today to wish myself a happy anniversary and to pat myself on the back (a little), love my friends and family who helped me through (a lot), and Jesus (the most) who gave me courage and words of encouragement, strength, and understanding when i was at my darkest hour.

(oh and i shaved the sides of my head and love it)

the best is yet to come

2011-07-21T18:22:00.001-04:00

there was about 30% of me that thought i would be productive and not give in to hedonism on this week off from parenting. yeah, that pretty much turned out to be the exception rather than the rule.

tuesday i went shopping with maggie almost all day. it was DIVINE. and not just getting away without our kids (but let's be real, that was pretty sweet) but trying on clothes and SHOES and just laughing and being together for hours. gah, i could never get enough of that. i got home and tried on all my new clothes, then went over to my friend beth's house with chelsea and we literally sat in a kiddie pool eating frozen blueberries and popsicles. i mean, who wouldn't want to do that with their girlfriends when it is 100 degrees out? ohio weather i am shaking my fist at you! 90s i can deal with but this whole week is supposed to be 100-115 with the heat index. GO AWAY. after pool party fun david came home and we had a picnic dinner at the dog park. again, divine! yesterday i slept in until 10 (!) and beth and chelsea came over for lunch because it was beth's birthday. YAY! after we parted ways i made my way to a local farm where i bought 50 lbs of cherries, which came pitted thank you lord jesus because pitting is a big pain in the tuckas, and 10 more pounds of blueberries. i spent the rest of the day making preserves, jellies, freezing, setting up the dehydrator, and so on. david and i stayed up really late trying to beat lego star wars on the wii. how romantic!

today i slept in until a hedonistic 11:00. then i rolled out of bed and made myself some spaghetti for breakfast BECAUSE I COULD. and to continue the junk food, i ate a cheeseburger for lunch with some koolaid. ha! the bulk of today however has been spent grocery shopping and cooking for tomorrow's aforementioned harry potter dinner party. i am have had way, way too much fun doing this guys. the picture of me today is dancing around the kitchen blasting new kids on the block while i cook soups and mini pies. i mean could that be more heavenly? survey says no.

i think a dozen or so folks are coming to the dinner tomorrow. i am thankful that i have indulgent, silly friends who are into the same kind of things and willing to be perhaps a bit child-like about a book. monday night after our small group david, dan starcher, and i went to see the movie. Oh, OH! guys it is so good. it could never be as good as the book but it hit enough markers to make me really love it. i cried at least 4 times.

i can't stop talking about how beautiful my friends are. this week i was just chilling outside doing some yardwork and a friend drove by, pulled up and asked if i wanted to go to a pool party. um YES. today two friends drove by at the exact same time, randomly stopping by to give me things they had for me (one was a sweet new vest and another was some veggie oil for our car!). i have never been surrounded by so many amazing, friendly, generous, fun, people! and really, i fully believe that the best is yet to come!

Thrifty Finds

2011-07-20T11:27:00.000-04:00

Dress: $5.99 @Gabriel Bros
Jacket: $2.99 @thrift store
Necklace: $3.99 @Gabriel Bros
Shoes: $12.99 @Gabriel Bros

what a difference a year makes!

2011-07-18T15:28:00.000-04:00

today my kids are leaving FOR A WEEK to go hang out with my parents and go to VBS at their church. i am, needless to say totally freaking stoked. plans include: working out more often, canning/preserving summer produce, going to the dog park a lot, working, hanging out with friends, sleeping, and reading. you know, so basically not a lot and that is f-i-n-e by me. tomorrow maggie and i are going on a mini road trip to go shopping and im very excited/nervous!

what i want to really mention in this entry is that the kids leaving for a week means that it has been one year since i had a total PTSD related meltdown. you know, the one where i couldn't get out of bed, lost 20 lbs, cried myself to sleep for a month, and didn't leave the house for 3 months? yeah. that one. i am struck by what a difference a year makes! just this month i went on a women's retreat which i NEVER thought was possible, we are on the brink of stepping into a leadership role at our church by leading a small group, and in general i just feel much more stable in that area of my life. THANK YOU JEEBUS FOR MEDS! this year wouldn't have been possible without the friends who came along side me during that coming-to-terms phase of my life. rachel tolentino, michelle chapin, karen james, maggie baxter, michelle rigsby, aaron knapp & omar el hagmusa (the two best neighbors any person could ever ask for!), and of course my kids the little darlings. it's weird how that whole emotional vomiting spell affected my marriage. i mean we weren't at a bad place per se pre-trauma but since then we've infinitely deepened our trust of one another to just Be Who We Are instead of who we want the other person to see. i feel like i see david more clearly and i really think he feels the same way about me. and thank God we like who those people are! in fact i'd say we love the new people we see in the other more than we loved our hidden selves. the experience of extreme vulnerability that i went through also gave me a new sense of freedom with others outside of my marriage too. i feel more at peace being "messy" (because let's be real we're all messed up!) i can look on myself and others with an honest eye that is more released from judgment than ever before. i am the way i am, you are the way you are & i love myself and i love you.

here's to beginning another year!

harry potter dinner party

2011-07-17T22:11:00.001-04:00

okay guys, im going to REALLY fly my geek flag here and tell you that i'm going to be having a harry potter themed dinner party this friday night, with a trip to the theater to see the final movie afterward. I AM TOTALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS! my lovely sister in law let me borrow a harry potter cookbook and it is not only filled with amazing recipes but is very well organized. it goes through and not only tells you which book the recipe is from but tells background information on the recipes themselves. the only downside is no pictures, which i love about cookbooks. so this party: i've decided to make one dish from each of the 7 books in the harry potter series. the menu is as follows:

Sorcerer’s Stone
Buttered Peas

Chamber of Secrets
Shepherd’s Pie

Prisoner of Azkaban
Sweet Orange Marmalade with bread

Goblet of Fire
Double Strawberry Ice Cream

Order of the Phoenix
Herb Roasted Chicken

Half-Blood Prince
Chicken and Mushroom Pies & Meat and Potato Pies

Deathly Hallows
Kreacher’s French Onion Soup

Drinks:
Pumpkin Juice
Proper Tea
Butterbeer

cool story brah

2011-07-12T14:09:00.000-04:00

occasionally, a true story

women and a new mantra

2011-07-10T21:50:00.003-04:00

i am going through an season where it's all about women. whether it be my ever growing love of my mom or mother in law, friendships renewing and changing, or raging with some lady at the dog park i feel like all of my primary experiences in the last week? month? have been centered around women. well except for my anniversary i guess.

today was one of the not-so-good women relationship experiences. within the last few months our boxer has been attacked not once but twice, both times drawing blood. here is a picture of one of those sad run-ins.

none have been her fault. the first, a dog busted out of it's backyard and went for her throat. this was particularly scary as it was david with olive and if the dog would have gone for our child david said he would have had to kill it. which would be extra traumatizing for olive i'd think. within the month a big, rascal-y dog at the park pounced all over dolores when we first came in through the double gate and after hearing a yelp the owner and i pulled them apart and i saw that dolores was bleeding. the owner ignored the incident (or so i thought). tonight the same dog attacked dolores again! this time there was no blood but when everything was settled down i sat down with the owner and explained how i wouldn't put up with her dog attacking mine again and again. she refused to believe that her dog was capable or responsible for drawing blood or doing anything more than playing around. i firmly repeated myself that YES HE HAD ATTACKED MINE AND DRAWN BLOOD a few weeks ago. and like, hello? did you not see that your dog just went far beyond normal dominating behavior until my dog was face down in the dirt and yours was biting it every time she tried to get up? i am very familiar with the difference between dogs playing/dominating/showing aggression/outright fighting and this was the latter of those. she wouldn't believe me, maintained that her dog was playful and would never do that. we finally left in a huff after the dog wouldn't stop being aggressive.

womenly understanding fail!

on the flip side i went to a retreat this weekend and had an amazing time with around 50 ladies from my church. i didn't originally want to go. well i did but naturally assumed that my anxiety would extinguish all possibility of not only being away from my house but being 45 minutes away, not with my family, all night, with the expectation of emotional availability/vulnerability. i can't remember if i spoke about this or not but two months ago i went to a women's worship night at church and while we had a few moments of stillness to invite God and reflect i had a raging panic attack that sent me into tears. i was fed many lies that i couldn't trust other women with my pain and anxiety, that my secrets made me "outside" and others without such hindrances were "inside", that being vulnerable in that way is to open oneself to attack, etc. i fought to remain in my seat and semi-composed (aka not pooping my pants or puking. TMI? just love me). when the stillness was broken and our leader asked if anyone had anything to share, instead of listening to my inner dialog to flee or cower i raised my hand and shared what i felt. i named the lies for what they were and the effect, at least on me, was palpable. i felt this ripple of freedom, even joy at expressing my inner insecurity and fear of these relationships, of this knowledge of what i considered my ugly, shameful secrets about my anxiety. the response from the other women was support, love, awe, respect, i don't know but it was all of the things you want in that kind of moment. since then i have felt this reoccurring mantra of "to be known is to be free" instead of the usual ticker tape telling me how people will hurt you, people will reject you if they KNOW. i can't explain it well but i've felt a further sense of inner healing about my PTSD and anxiety in general in the last few months. i realize that i've never actually turned the tables on my feelings like i did in that room and do the opposite of what my internal monologue was telling me to do. i say all of that to say that i was scared but not petrified to attempt to go to the women's retreat this weekend. i am SO GLAD that i did. it was a beautiful mix of one on one bonding with women i loved and women i didn't know at all, interspersed with worship, meals, speaker-led group gatherings, breakout sessions on specific topics (mine, surprise surprise was about healing). on top of doing "work" i went on a beautiful 5 mile bike ride, went to the pool, hot tub, laid under a tree and ate ice cream, and most importantly just laughed a lot. & i should add that i got to co-sleep with a beautiful, 9 month old baby! someone i don't know at all and had no previous interaction with put their hands on me and told me that i am gifted with compassion. it felt good for such a spontaneous confirmation of what i have long held to be one of my greatest strengths. (it's very easy to see ones weaknesses.)

ETA:
seriously, this is how my dog is

DITL

2011-07-07T07:52:00.000-04:00

i am rather lazy. it's taken me a week to get this day in the life up and on here. forgive me. this was actually the first DITL that i've done on my anniversary!

DITL June 29, 2011

this is what i woke up to. a dog sitting on my bed/on me. it wasn't terribly early or anything but just wow. i don't want to wake up with a dog sitting on me. david had gone to work, the kids were downstairs eating apples, and watching tv.

i get up and the consensus was that everyone wanted pancakes. i made some delicious banana sunflower seed pancakes. DUDE SO CRUNCHY AND YUM!

while the pancakes are grilling up i take a look around and can't help but notice what a wreck the kitchen is.

so i clean it.

we eat breakfast slowly, then i set augustine up with some online gaming at beyblade.com while went upstairs to get dressed and brush my teeth.

my room is a mess but i am not the least bit mad because the night before david had given me my anniversary present: he is redoing our closet for me! so boxes and do-dads are all around the room in prep for construction. whatevs.

bam, dressed.

the dog is being emo and wanting some exercise which means either a long walk or going to the dog park. so we head off for a long walk. there are two ravines in our neighborhood, one of which actually has a road running through it.

so we head off for a two mile walk through it. it is a beautiful morning and the kids love tromping around in the foliage.

we get back and putter around for a while, then friends show up randomly! YAY! beth and jack end up staying for lunch which was an asparagus stir fry recipe i found on foodgawker.com

and it was GOOOOOD.

after lunch we said goodbye to our friends, the kids go to their rooms for quiet time. i get my workout clothes on and head to the basement for 45 minutes on the treadmill (30 running, 10 doing mega inclines) while watching an episode of Lost. (i miss that show so hardcore.)

head upstairs, shower, and put my face on. since it's my anniversary and all i should probably get purty for our date.

oh hai thar new haircut.

i have one hour left in the kids quiet time to do some actual WORK.

complete with snacks

they get around at 2:30 and we go for a walk to the co-op to buy eggs but not before tying the dog up in the front yard. she pouts that she isn't coming with us. it is HOT and when we get home i give them popcicles and hose the dog off. awwww yeeeaaah.

augustine and i are endeavoring to beat lego star wars the complete saga on the wii so we spend some quality time doing that until it's time for david to come home from work. i smooch him and give him my present for our anniversary (a handmade clock made from a vintage mercedes hubcap for his man cave.)

then we pile in the car and take the kids to meet my mom because they are staying with my parents while we go out on our date.

we wind up at this adorable mad men-like diner downtown called little palace. it was affordable, delicious, and so cute!

after filling our bellies we went to lowes to start scheming our new closet. this was WAY more fun than i expected!

we came home and talked for a long time then hunkered down and watched bridesmaids. SO FUNNY! i finished off the night with a few chapters from one of my many, many books on my side table.

note:
i feel so blessed that david is not only who is Is and is To Me but his peripheral blessings like his handiness and ability to dream with me. david could take apart a car or house and put it back together and that makes like, no sense to me because my mind doesnt work that way. i feel so balanced by him in countless ways. i can't believe it's been 9 years! i think i could be with him another 99 and not get tired of his laugh.

kids & 30s

2011-06-24T12:56:00.003-04:00

today my kids are driving me insane. is summer over yet? can they go back to school yet? i feel 1% guilty for saying that, but i also believe every parent feels that way sometimes so whatever. every morning augustine and olive get up, leave me sleeping, come downstairs and play lego star wars until i wake up naturally. this seems ideal, and let's face it, it's a pretty freaking sweet deal for me when it comes to sleep, but having an hour or more of mind numbing video games to start the day gets us all off on a bad foot. if we don't go out and do something and forbid more video games OH THE MELTDOWN FOLKS. we've been having such a great summer though. dollar movies, sleep overs, cookouts, gardening, hosting meals for big groups of people at our house, playing at parks, walking to get ice cream cones, running in the hose, etc.

also while i'm talking about the kids, i want to mention how proud and shocked i am at augustine's understanding of numbers. it is obvious to me that he already has a deeper grasp of how things work even than i do. david randomly asked him what 56+56 was (as a joke) and without hesitation he said "112. because 50+50 is 100 and 6+6 is 12." meanwhile i'm over here trying to carry ones and all that.

i had the best playdate ever a few days ago. we show up at the mom and a neighbor/mutual friend were in the midst of tearing up the corridor between the sidewalk/street and gardening it all. KIDS GO PLAY WHILE I BLACKEN MY NAILS. it's funny to me that i have previously perceived myself to be very "soft" when it comes to anything hard, particularly physical. now, i enjoy nothing more than toiling in the soil, digging holes, clipping branches, hauling away debris, etc. if i had an ipod to listen to while i did yardwork/gardening i believe i could do it for a whole day. like, landscaping would be my dream job! or a baker.

i feel very loved lately by friends. while i've in recent years i've had good friends i feel like i am in an ideal set of circumstances right now to be a good friend and receive good friendship. i've said this before but i can think of no cattiness between any of my friends. i've got good men and women who not only are good people but interesting, diverse, thoughtful, and for the most part doing the best they can with their lives. i dont know what it is about me but i feel like my circle of friends, even acquaintances "get me" on some level that i've not had in any other point in my life. i am shocked but pleased by the constant influx of things people find that remind them of me and they shoot me a little note or give me a call to tell me about it. beyond that, i seem to be running with a group of real Thinkers. maybe it is where we are at age-wise but i have been blessed with some really amazing, deep, important, controversial but sane dialog lately. i hope this is a sign that as our 30s unfold that this will be the trend and not a surprise. i am turning 30 in december and while a lot of great things happened in my 20s there was a lot that i am happy to let go of (or at least distance myself from). ie the passionate stance on Every Little Topic that typifies youth (and instead giving myself room to not know how i feel about this or that.), inviting self-reflection instead of cringing or crying at the thought of someone correcting me, etc.

Fathers Day wrap up

2011-06-20T10:57:00.000-04:00

this weekend augustine had his friend grayson sleep over. his dad ryan is single-fathering it while wifey, Kat, is in germany having a rad time. so i think he needed a little break and we were happy to step up and have some bro hang time. this meant going to bed at 11 (whereas augustine usually goes to bed at 8) and getting up at 6 (where augustine usually sleeps in until 7), no naps, lots of lego star wars on the wii and LOTS OF PLAYTIME. by 10:30 olive was wasted tired and i laid her down for a nap, kicking and screaming but within minutes she was knocked out. grayson and augustine went with david to see a movie, otherwise i feel augustine's head would have exploded without any down time.

for fathers day we went out for fathers day to katzinger's deli with our lovely friends nick & beth and their little dude jack. katzingers probably had 80 different sandwiches on their menu and none of ours disappointed! then we went to tigertree and went shopping. (david and i both got some new toms).

sidebar: i tried on some of the new wedge toms. WANT.

i stole away and napped for 2 hours until david woke me up with a snuggle. we played more lego star wars and puttered around until dinner time, where we went to marysville to eat with my parents. MEXICAN YES! it's so nice hanging out with family. i got my dad some civil war books for fathers day but didn't get much of anything for david.

& also, i'm getting my haircut today like this!

cthulhu

2011-06-09T22:58:00.000-04:00

vegetable lo mein or cthulhu?

olive and i are a bit sick. i am "under the weather" but she's been throwing up off and on for the last two days. she came into our room at 2 am and had thrown up in a puke bowl in her bed but it didn't contain it all, or it had spilled. oh there is nothing like the sour, awful stench of vomit. poor kid. and the girl interrupted an exciting dream that i was guest starring on doctor who! UNFORGIVABLE!

2011-06-01T13:17:00.001-04:00

tomorrow is augustine's last day of kindergarten. i am quite tempted to say something cliche like "i can't believe it!" or "time is going so fast!" but umm yes to all of the above. a few weeks ago we went rollerskating and he showed a non-little-child confidence that made my stomach flutter a little. after a few turns he no longer desired to hold my hand and got so wrapped up in the fun that we all drifted apart. i sat on the side and watched him for quite a while. his face was so confident and full of joy. no moar babby boy.

yesterday was a HOT 95 degrees and i couldn't bear the idea of cooking anything so i went to the store and bought $50 worth of produce and am now beginning my yearly diet of sweet tea, watermelon, and popsicles.

i've decided to not weigh myself for the next year. which isn't some grand gesture or commentary on my self-image. i just really like the trajectory i am on right now with my health and body right now and i don't want to introduce anything else like weighing myself into the equation. i've been working out 3-4 times per week for a month or two now and it's really showing on my body i think. i'm feeling more calm, sleeping wonderfully, and my legs are getting toned. also, while i'm talking about body stuff, since i've been on celexa (late summer-fall) i've gained 5 or so pounds. it's not that the medication does anything by way of making my viciously hungry at all hours, but rather it has taken away the anxiety i had about eating too much in public (which made me feel like i was going to vomit). that stress has completely evaporated and so those 5 pounds are a major victory over my anxiety!

almost true

2011-05-27T21:09:00.001-04:00

thrifty clothes pt 3

2011-05-26T16:48:00.001-04:00

please show me your favorite outfit, accessory, shoes, whatever! i am in a voyeuristic mood.

two of my favorite thrifty outfits:

H&M Jeggings: $20
tunic from Kohls clearance: $8.99
jean jacket: $4.99 thrift store
belt: free from a friend

my favorite dress!

dress: free from friend
belt: $.50
tights: given to me as a Christmas gift ($6.99 from Macy's I believe)

thrifty clothes pt 2

2011-05-24T17:19:00.000-04:00

H&M shirt: free from clothing swap
Gap jeans: $6.99 at thrift store

Neighborly Help

2011-05-24T09:02:00.000-04:00

TRUE STORY

great scores

2011-05-23T16:43:00.001-04:00

i am kind of tempted to start photo documenting some of the delicious deals ive been scoring lately at the thrift store. a few months ago i decided i was kind of sick of how i looked. how that i looked like some scag but well, i just never felt like i looked "pulled together" if that makes sense. i've been going thrifting every two weeks or so and add to that clothing swaps and friends giving me clothes and i feel like i've got a whole new wardrobe going recently.

example:

vest: $6
jeans: free from a clothing swap
tshirt: $4.99 from forever xxi
shoes: free from a friend

that's an entire outfit for $11! and i've been getting more compliments than normal on my wardrobe. to which i'm surprised (because i equate spending money with looking good no doubt) but more often than not i'm like umm yes, i think you're right. this outfit does look kind of cute! (am i allowed to say an outfit i put together is cute? sue me.)

gardening and dogs

2011-05-17T19:09:00.000-04:00

Me: *planting something in my yard*
My neighbor:

so i've paid for membership in a near-ish community garden. i get a 10x20 size plot to do whatever i wish with. the problem is that it's been raining here consistently for oh, two weeks? like POURING. to the point where out plot hasn't been tilled and prepared yet which means therefore that it's mid May and i haven't put anything in the ground yet.

normally, this would make me flip out with rage but imma just let it go because i can't control the weather so why get all fussy about it? what i can control in this world i feel i'm doing a pretty good job of managing: noses and counters are wiped, books are being devoured, quality time being spent with friends and my dear lover/friend, feeling connected to the here and now and the Above and Beyond. which reminds me, i've been listening to a fantastic jesuit podcast and am in love! so yes, i've decided to just practice intentionally not getting ruffled when things don't go my way or would in another season of life make me angry/cheated/sad/frustrated. from now on i'm going to go into zen mode, especially if it's something that i can't control. keep on giving up that illusion of control and all that kind of stuff.

if things keep going like this imma just keep digging up the front yard and add to the garden there. edible stuff i have planted in my yard now: 6 blueberry bushes, a strawberry patch, 3 raspberry bushes (more coming in two weeks), spinach, kale, tomatoes, stevia, thyme, two kinds of basil, two kinds of lavender, lemon balm, oregano, two kinds of rosemary, oregano, sage. i amthisclose to petitioning my brother (who has a truck and heavy duty chains) to come over and rip out the bushes in front of my house so we can plant some fruit trees.

the world will make a way for what needs to be done. and if it doesn't then it probably isn't that important. so breath it in, breath it out, breath through it.

another thing i'm intentionally just going to roll with and let go is that i fell in love with a dog at the dog park and it was being fostered. so for the last 2 weeks i've been trying to find said dog and start the adoption process. it is incredibly frustrating to attempt to find a totally random dog that you ran into once upon a dream at a park. well, we technically ran into him twice but still! besides posting a "hey you with the dog, remember me with the dog? let's talk!" sign and hanging out at the park, what else is there to do? there was a fostering event on sunday and we went. he wasn't there. i really feel whatevs about it (no really). HOWEVER, he looks like this:

so it's a pretty irksome that we can't find him. whatevs! if it's meant to be it will happen and if not i am out absolutely nothing. i've got a good thing going here.

aw yeah

2011-05-09T20:45:00.002-04:00

my spring total so far:

16 four leaf clovers
5 five leaf clovers

i have been trying to photograph all of them but i've only managed to keep track of about 80% since most of them are found randomly walking around the neighborhood. still, this is the first year i've actively kept track. my goal is to find 100 by the end of summer. if we're friends on facebook i've uploaded most of my pictures of them there.

4 years of the placenta bush

2011-05-07T13:34:00.000-04:00

2008, 1 yr old

2009, 2 yrs old

2010, 3 yrs old

2011, 4 yrs old

Garden crumbling

2011-05-05T13:28:00.005-04:00

I received a phone call from Dan at the city land bank office informing me that someone is interested in purchasing BOTH of the lots that our community garden is on.

Sadly, this is the reality of leasing land. The prospective buyer has agreed to build on only one lot in the immediate future, with the understanding that in subsequent years that the other will be built upon "when he gets around to it." So, big stuff in the works as this now means that we have to consolidate all of the garden use onto one side. Which side is still undetermined but I will know shortly. but this means we need to move a LOT of stuff. potentially raised beds, bee hives, three contained compost bins, dozens of fruit bushes, an entire strawberry patch, and/or rain barrels.

i'm very sad about this.

i've contacted wayne from frijolito farms and he is open to rehoming our gardeners. sadly though the new garden space isn't available to take our perennials (blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, blackberry) or beehives. thankfully it is also an organic garden!

Me gusta, No me gusta

2011-05-04T14:05:00.001-04:00

meals for this week

Monday: potluck with friends
Tuesday: Taco Casserole
Wednesday: Vegetable Pizza
Thursday: Vegetable Beef Soup or Chili
Friday: Black Bean burgers & Sweet Potato fries
Saturday: Spinach Lasagna & salad
Sunday: Japanese Egg bowls

Augustine's school is doing a fun health and fitness week wherein you earn points for doing healthy things like eating 1/2 cup of beans (5 pts), eat dinner with the tv off (5 pts) have a candy free day (10 pts), etc. You also get points for how many minutes per day you are doing something active. im going to sound very snobby but none of this is even a challenge! How is eating breakfast something special!? The only one on the list that Augustine hasn't hit yet is a serving of fish and that is pretty much because I am the cook of the home and all seafood makes me projectile vomit (it's a texture thing) so I'm not likely to buy, prepare, and serve it to my family. Sup fish oils. The only difficult part of the campaign is that for 20 points (the highest item on the list) you have to be tv/video game free for an entire day. Augustine boasted that he wanted to go the entire week so uhh, here we go. I am not and never will be a "tv rots your brain" kind of mama. It's not great but dude, I work from home and I'm busy so whatevs. Augustine totaled up his points and in two days he already had 215. Secretly I hope he isn't maddened by the idea of not being in first place. This past fall he was one of the top 20 sellers (of random items from a catalog) and he won a limo ride/pizza party and I think that made a big impression on him. He also went door to door soliciting neighbors with his adorableness and he actually WORKED for it. It made me proud but it is also surprising because I don't consider myself very competitive and I don't feel like winning/losing affects me all that much. Same with David. Although I was a bit of an overachiever in school so...?

We went to the kick off event at his school on Saturday and I entered some of my cookies into a contest. The contest was to sneak healthy food into a dish. I made chocolate chip chickpea cookies and they were delicious. I don't think I won (we left early) but they were gone quickly and I saw I had a lot of votes. This was the sign on the food table and I tried to take a photo of it on the sly but it turned out blurry. Still funny though.

While we were there I saw another parent from behind and she just looked so cute. Her outfit was well put together and stylish. I even ask her where she got her shoes and haircut. She turns around and it was my husband's ex girlfriend! And like we've been married, what, 9 years? I don't think that stuff will ever go away all the way. I know they didn't love each other so why am I all of a sudden walking different and making sure I'm acting smooth? NO ME GUSTA. I am jealous and a bit of a hypocrite. I mean if David came across my ex I doubt either of them would be acting smooth and confident.

In conclusion, we are all insecure and trapped in the past and caught up with the future and not focusing enough on the present moment. Let me rephrase that with *I* am insecure, *I* am trapped in the past, *I* am caught up with the future and not focusing enough on the present moment.

Also, I am not smooth. Nope, not possible.

running & bees

2011-04-25T13:25:00.004-04:00

for the last two weeks i have been working out 30-60 minutes on the treadmill 3-4x per week and not hating it. yesterday i would even say i enjoyed myself. week one i just stared at the wall and was bored out of my skull and i watched as the clock ticked by agonizingly slow. i think i did 30 minutes 2x that week. second week, IPOD! better but still boring and for the most part i still hated the experience because of the monotony. so now, week 3 i'm been hauling the computer downstairs and watching episodes of various tv shows and now i have reached treadmill nirvana. at the end of an hour i hardly notice that the time has gone by! im keeping my jogs under 4 mph and still doing a combo of walk-run but i can do a whole hour now without a problem. i finally feel hopeful that i can keep doing this!

holy week wrapped up this weekend with of course, easter. we went to a wonderful good friday service. i'm learning so much lately about and from God. that sounds cheesy but i feel like i've just been given a better understanding of a) what a messed up person i am b) that i can't undo my messed-up-ness on my own and c) that i shouldn't even try without Him. i can't believe our church would trust ME to lead someone else in study! lemme sit down over a cuppa tea and tell you how screwed up i am. but i've got to keep trying and listening and being Still and giving and receiving and loving. if i could boil my faith down to one idea right now it would be to just keep going towards God. i'm so far, far, far (did i mention FAR?) from where i should be. the conclusion of Lent now opens up the door to be back on facebook. let's see how long it takes before it gets me in trouble again by wasting time, etc.

we had a very full spring break and i am glad it is over. it will be nice to get back into a predictable routine. though i can't wait for them to be home all summer i also am partially dreading it because i don't know what we're going to do all day! i may have to buy a COSI or zoo pass to entertain ourselves. there is always a splash pad in powell & the easton fountains. i thought spring break was over today until i we went to the bus stop. literally my feet hit the bus stop and augustine says "oh yeah, school doesn't start again until tomorrow!"

i dug a small bed around our front porch and planted some sedum, sunflowers, and various wildflowers. i believe my neighbor is giving me some of their irises when they dig them up to put the fence in. I LOVE IRISES and i have no idea why i've never planted any. if we don't get the funds to redo the front yard (grade it into two levels and put in a new stone retaining wall) by next summer or so im going to just dig up the whole thing and plant flowers. also, i kind of hate it that the city technically owns the space between the street and the sidewalk. do not currrr. i think we're planning on planting a few blueberry bushes in that little corridor. otherwise it's just wasted space! it's clintonville so i think it's kind of a reasonable expectation that the neighborhood is just going to do little stuff like that.

the community garden is shaping up. we lost a few things to the weather and ruffians stealing fixtures from the rain barrels and uprooting trees and whatnot. we are being given a dozen sour cherry trees and a few dozen raspberry bushes (the latter from my in-laws!). these will replace the peach trees that were uprooted and the blackberry bushes that beefed it over the winter. now if only i had a few extra thousand dollars to do more projects like hiring a contractor to tap into the city water supply, make more raised beds, buy bulbs, mulch, and hire a steady person to mow the thing. ah, long term goals. the two new beehives were installed recently and i missed it sadly. this week our beekeepers will be checking the queens so hopefully i can be there for that. i'll take a picture of myself in a sweet beekeeper suit if i do.

finally, DOCTOR WHO STARTED ON SATURDAY NIGHT! it was glorious!

family day/me time

2011-04-21T21:32:00.001-04:00

sweet new plugs!
david took a day off of work to celebrate spring break. such a rare treat as david rarely if ever takes a day off that isn't involved to he or i being deathly sick. (seriously, the dude didn't even miss one single HOUR of class in college!) we had a very full and fun day. david let me sleep in until 10, glorious 10! then we woke up and i texted my good friend chelsea and she met us with her dog and baby at the dog park, which was muddy fun for everyone. we came home, relaxed for a half hour or so then took the kids bowling. i had gotten a sweet groupon deal wherein we got two games with shoe rentals included for four people, a large pizza, and four drinks for only $32. POUNCE. then we came home and, since it was so gorgeous out today and it was the only time we're likely to see the sun at all this week, we went to the park for an hour and played basketball/on the swings/playground. the kids and i then walked to the co-op and got two dozen eggs and restocked our incense. we puttered around at home until dinner time. i again used a groupon (well "groupon like" coupon) for a nice chinese restaurant. i did something i've always wanted to do but was too frustrated to walk-out: i ate my entire meal with chop sticks! something small but something i've never stuck with. even olive ate half of her lo mein with chop sticks! came home, dumped the leftovers into the fridge and went out AGAIN. this time to our friend nick fancher's photography reception. nick is the best photographer i know, hands down.

and now it is 9:15 and i am sort of starting my work day. i certainly didn't waste my time but i am also always torn between home based work and family based work. right now i want to work out, fold laundry, type reports, redo my nails (which is a stubborn, 30-45 minute process), scout online for deals for the community garden, and also just veg and watch tv or finish the last chapter of my book. what i HAVE to do is my actual work, type reports which i honestly could do until midnight or beyond if i let myself. i've been getting into a bad habit of staying up very late to do "me things" (mostly read and work out/shower) then i am exhausted the next day so i catch a nap, which shifts bedtime back, which makes me stay up late, rinse, repeat.

i am proud to say that i've continued to work out 3x per week. i have no idea what im doing so i'm mostly just following with how many calories i've burnt and how long it takes to do it in. right now i'm doing 2 miles on the treadmill, changing between brisk walks and runs. it feels like enough, especially since im actually going past my target heartrate a bit and im not exhausted/sore/totally out of breath all the time like i used to be. and i was just shooting for "not dying"!

dental nightmare

2011-04-16T21:35:00.001-04:00

olive had a very traumatic dental appointment yesterday. she had a cavity between two of her teeth that had to be fixed. we explained the process and that her mouth would feel funny but it would be painless. she did great getting her teeth cleaned a month ago and showed no real anxiety leading up to the experience or even while we were there until the novocaine shot. the numbing gel they put on first didn't do much because she screamed when they put the shot in her gum. then, as soon as that kicked in she FREAKED. thank the Lord that i had taken an ativan that morning because it made ME freak out. she cried and kept asking what was wrong with her, were her cheek and lip still on her face? was this permanent? WHAT WAS HAPPENING!? i took her out of the dental chair and sat her on my lap and calmed her and explained what was going on (again) and how it was a good thing that it felt numb because the drill wouldn't feel good if it wasn't. reassured she got back in the chair and i held her hand while they started the drill. turns out she wasn't totally numb and i'm telling you she looked like she was being electrocuted. back arching, fingers straight out, toes pointed, SCREAMING. but we were too far into it to turn back so we had to push on against her will. she got another novocaine shot but she was so afraid! i laid her in my lap and secured her arms and whispered loving words to her while another nurse secured her legs and the other worked. she just kept screaming "mommy! i want to go home! mommy make them stop!" i of course was crying but i couldn't take her home. i couldn't tell them to stop because she had a huge hole in her teeth! literally the whole process was maybe 20-25 minutes but it was the worst time i can remember of her life. we just held each other for a long time afterward and when we hit the doorway to leave she turned around and sniffled, "i am never getting a cavity again!"

removed from the situation she was more like "yeah, that sucked" so i'm glad she had no lasting damage. not that i thought she would but man, it was pretty bad. it was quickly forgotten soon afterward because she had preschool and then her birthday party that night. but that is another entry.

parties & running & leadership

2011-04-15T08:54:00.003-04:00

i have been a model of time management and getting things done for the last few days. i can never tell if such things are some biological response - because the longer i live the more strongly i feel that some days your brain works better or worse in this or that way - or if i've just had a fire lit under my tuckus because it is Birthday Week here in our house. today is not only augustine's birthday but also the childrens' combination party at pump it up. we are to be hosts to ~25 children and i assume just as many or thereabouts adults. this week one major priority has been to determine party theme(s) and acquire, organize, package, what have you the little trinkets and such that kids "require". augustine is having pirate and olive, hello kitty. i've got little goodies bags for olive's theme with hello kitty bags with stationary, pencils, erasers, & bubbles. and augustine's theme will have pirate bags with eye patches, bubbles, gold coins, and skull and crossbones key chains. my parents are getting one bunch of themed balloons for each kid and i am making cupcakes (or as rosalie would say "copie") with the same themed cupcake liners. we will also be having a cupcake decorating station. BAM party planning finished!

i ran 2 miles yesterday and i think im finally starting to see why people love running. i have only ever run outdoors and that seems like a very different experience than running a treadmill (which is what i'm doing now). did i mention i got a free treadmill from @thatpatti? well i did and i love her/it. so far i've run twice this week and i think i'll keep going but not stress myself out over it if i don't do it 3x per week "like i'm supposed to". riddle me this: if i am at a good weight, have excellent blood pressure, and no other health issues why should i work out? i can't really think of a reason! i eat well (as much as i yap about junk food it makes up very little of my actual diet). i guess i want to be more toned? more lean? this celexa has put on about 5 pounds, which i am fine with honestly. i kind of like having a little jiggle, esp on my hips which i would say i have felt looked rather boyish most of my life.

i digress. so i officially have proof that they will let any little spiritual thumbsucker into leadership - we have been asked to lead a small group. which is "Christianese" for bible study/discussion group. we haven't given our final reply but i think we are going to do it, no matter how intimidating it feels. i greatly prefer to be a leader within a group, not The Leader. but in our vein of Jesus-loving being a leader just means a more of a willingness to look like a fool/putting yourself out there, showing up, praying for your group, and doing your homework. david in particular has come a long way not just spiritually (which is true!) but also in his forthcoming in a group. we have laughed many times how different david (and me too.) would have been in his personality had he not married such an outgoing chatterbox like me. at this point we are mostly trying to sort out whose home to host it at (ours? someone else?) the thing about our church is that it is okay to be wounded, especially in leadership. which is rather contrary to how i grew up. i felt you had to "get clean" and then go to church! i feel confident that if either david or i had some sort of breakdown that our group would be a-okay and not judge us. not that it is acceptable to be intentionally BAD but rather be real about what areas of your life you are weak in and get prayer and help. if someone has a porn addiction or are in a crappy marriage or an abusive relationship or you get high you tell your small group and we support, love, pray, and walk with them through that. we are going through a great apologetics book right now (which is a book discussing the different rationales behind our faith and teasing out issues that people commonly have for dismissing religion, etc.) and a quote jumped out at me that is right on

"The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints."

being involved with Christ just means that you are trying not that you have arrived. (so get off religion's back if people mess up dudes.) none of us will ever Arrive, short of eternity. one interesting thing that we just talked about last week is the idea that in some ways, the church is always going to be more messy than those who aren't involved because if you have a standard like God to live up to, there is NO WAY you are going to realize that measure. i mean the distance between us and God is impossible to measure, but if someone does not have the same standard to base their life on, they inevitably have less to live up to. that sounds bad. let me say, christians need more forgiveness than others because the moral compass of our lives was a perfect being. and if we want to unite with that perfect being we need to release our humanity in all it's failings. so you know, just give up what makes you human and cling to what is divine and holy and love. SURE I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT. but i'm a christian (which is "little Christ") and so i'm going to keep going, keep asking for forgiveness, and release my iron grip on things that don't belong with God.

in conclusion, life is rad and hard and confusing but full of love and family, sometimes peace and sometimes chaos, more often than not good, goofy friends to clink glasses with and trade clothes, husbands to nuzzle with, and good books, hot cups of tea & warm muffins, crying fits, my clothes poofing nonstop with flour, and God - always God.

birthday boy

2011-04-15T08:40:00.001-04:00

happy 6th birthday augustine!

birthday girl

2011-04-12T09:36:00.001-04:00

happy birthday olive!!

A good reminder

2011-04-11T08:09:00.001-04:00

1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)

A friend posted this and I thought it was a great reminder of how to live.

best friends

2011-04-06T10:05:00.001-04:00

phoenix, lukas, olive (pre-shorn hair obvs)

these three are BFFs and i love that. single gendered packs develop very young, younger than makes me happy. augustine had a very good girl-friend in preschool but now he is like girls? WHY. olive on the other hand moves almost exclusively with girl groups in school. outside of school though lukas and phoenix are her number one choice for playdates, which happens once or twice a week. this in addition to being in the same preschool class at school and the same sunday school at church. so they are together a total of about 4-5 times in any given week and from all i can tell they love it.

today the boys were over and i fed them lunch. they decided they wanted to eat it behind the couch. with 15 minutes before we had to leave for preschool i said "i want to see the bottom of your bowls before we leave." minutes later they emerge with suspiciously spotless bowls. yup, dumped under the couch. their "punishment" was that dolores ate the rest of it and licked their faces clean. THAT'LL TEACH EM.

& random photos

she wore this costume for THREE STRAIGHT DAYS before she let me peel it off

"we are asleep"

garden, giddy up!

2011-04-03T14:54:00.000-04:00

it's april so that means i can start getting really excited about gardening! this year i am in charge of the community garden so we'll see how that goes! so far we've had two clean up days and david and i have roped off the place into individual plots. the garden also has three raised beds which i'm specifying for child-use only. olive and augustine are both very excited about having their own space to grow whatever they wish.

Olive's plot:
edamame
strawberries
lettuce/spinach
broccoli
wild flowers

Augustine's plot:
strawberries
broccoli
beans - green and edamame
peas

David and I's plot:
broccoli
tomatoes
lettuce/spinach
kale
beans (various)
peppers
herbs
corn (popping and sweet)
flowers

hopefully we will start to see some fruit on last year's blackberry, blueberry, raspberry, and strawberries. though from the look of things the blackberry bushes are toast and some neighborhood punks uprooted the peach trees. *sad trombone* another lowlight, not one of the 15,000 bees survived. peak oil? not batting an eye over but the collapse of the bee population? I'M LOSING SLEEP! no bees = no food, people! there is no known way to replicate the pollination process between a bee and our crops! so new hives are going in and i'm praying they survive. i'm going to get another praying mantis oothica (which can hatch up to 400 mantids) and a few dozen ladybugs for natural pest control. and seriously, those two things maybe will cost me $20.

Olive Tennant

2011-04-01T12:51:00.001-04:00

i am not much into celebrities HOWEVER, i adore doctor who something fierce. so imagine my joy when i woke up today to find out that david tennant and georgia moffet had a baby girl and named her OLIVE.

BAM.

goodbye locks

2011-03-29T16:43:00.003-04:00

it finally happened! olive cut off her own hair! david and i were watching a movie and i heard some scuffling feet upstairs. i thought olive might be sleep walking or talking so i went up there and to my horror found out that her hair was lopped off in the front on both sides (nearly to her scalp in parts!) as well as part of her comforter. i don't know if she is is upset about deacon (probable) or david leaving tomorrow for a few days on business (also probable) or if she is just being a booger but WHAT THE HECK. one of the first things i said to david was "i can't believe it took her almost 4 years to do this!" because let's be real this girl is as ornery as they come. still, all her pretty hair is gone. we have recently developed a sweet routine of brushing and straightening and curling her hair that i really enjoyed. sure it will grow out but DANG IT CHILD YA GIVE ME WHITE HAIRS.

God be near

2011-03-25T13:58:00.001-04:00

i would rather be doing almost anything else than picking out what to wear to a funeral for a 2 year old but that is what i find myself doing today. it is a biological inevitability that we all will die and yet i still can't bring myself to be okay with it. there is something deep in me that wants us all to live forever. and who knows maybe we will in one way or another - whether in heaven/hell or as energy or as something else recycled or renewed. the point is that this is awful. it socks you in the stomach and kicks you to your knees. and it wasn't even my child! but deacon was a part of our human family and so we grieve and breathe back the tears. or not. i came into augustine's room two nights ago and we had found a little calculator amongst his toys that deacon left here the last time the degarmeaux's were over for dinner. augustine wept and said that he wanted to put it on his little grave.

and so today i am breathing back those tears with every breath because at 4 o'clock we are going to his viewing and in the morning his celebration of life. there is much to celebrate and that will come i'm sure. but for right now their family is lost to the darkness of grief and loss.

heart smash.

God be near is all i keep saying in my heart when after a moment of busyness my mind strays back to the sadness. a thousand times a day God be near because i just don't have any other words or requests. every day olive prays that Jesus will do a miracle and raise deacon back to life. AND THIS KILLS ME because he could! but it's so hard to pray for such things even if you know by your faith tradition that you should boldly ask for what you desire and that it could happen. but my faith feels worn out when it comes to the subject of children dying. i just want to roll over in a ball and quit. just turn away and limp past it, huddle my children to my chest and stop talking about it. God be near

child-like

2011-03-15T09:43:00.001-04:00

have i posted this? olive's preschool photo. it's pretty darling, right? little girls in pigtails kill me. olive has been experiencing a lot of growing pains in the last few months. the worst of it is over but from late December to early February she had them almost every day/night. it was so pitiful to watch her cry and she found no relief from anything but pain medicine. i measured the kids the week after we moved here and less than a month later olive had grown almost an entire inch. IN LESS THAN A MONTH. this photo was taken in early fall and i can see a noticeable difference in her height and transition into being more child-like.

we are working on some sleep issues with her. she is naturally defiant, shocking news i know! but particularly at night time she wanders around upstairs and "has to tell us something" every few minutes. a small part of it is that she wants to be with us but in general i think she just doesn't settle down well on her own. but on the flip side who has the time and energy to coddle an almost 4 yr old to sleep every night? no one here i know that. so this week we've started her back on doses of melatonin and of course it's working like a charm. this happens a few times per year and gradually we can wean her back onto sleeping without it.

onward and upward

2011-03-14T12:42:00.002-04:00

i find it oddly satisfying to weed through our budget (or in this case, have david do it) and work out our finances and set a savings goal for a project. that sounds rather geriatric but dude, it's the little things in life! we are starting to save to redo our front "lawn". i use quotation marks because it's quite small. but the retaining wall is crumbling and bowing towards the sidewalk and what yard there is is unlevel.

there is literally one more bush in front of the house and the yard ends.

so the plan would be to put in two levels, a redo the deck area, and add some freaking landscaping. and of course we want to do this ourselves, something that i am looking forward do as i've never participated in any kind of house project of this scale. painting doesn't count! i've got it all sketched out in my head though i'm going to ask my mother-in-law (hi jayne!) because she is a wizz at this kind of stuff.

also, augustine's teacher responded to my inquiry about him moving up to the first grade class for math. she said typically they wait until the kid is in third grade to test for giftedness and then start programs like that, which i can't really disagree with. she said a few others in his class are on par with him and they get into a group and she gives them harder work, which i was unaware of because i only see the homework sheets that come home and they seem impossibly easy for him. apparently they do a lot of math skills in that group that are not simply recorded on a sheet and sent home, which makes sense. i'm feeling better about it all now.

david is going to florida for three days at the end of march and i am very nervous about this. i do not do well alone, especially at night. especially for multiple days. i am going to plan something leisurely to do every one of those days and NOTHING stressful. i shamefully have forgotten to brag on my husband. his work helped earned his company an award in advertising (think Mad Men). this is the image, click the "after" button to view his final work. DUDE CREATED DUST IN A SPOTLIGHT OUT OF THIN AIR.

i've been having obsessive, invasive thoughts again. i don't know if my medication isn't working as well or what but like, i will think of a song and a line from it will literally repeat ad nauseum. it is maddening and i've taken to wearing a rubber band on my wrist again. the thoughts are never bad or scary just annoying (as in the case of a song lyric). still, it's taking up more and more of my day trying to escape the single line repeating like a skipping record in my head. this is rather typical with my anxiety and rarely lasts more than a week or so and then it will go away for a long period.

sign i am old, bragging about cholesterol levels

2011-03-11T13:31:00.001-05:00

last summer david and i got life insurance. well *i* got life insurance and he got *more* life insurance. during that process we underwent a physical which included a blood draw. that draw revealed scary-high cholesterol levels for david. i believe his LDL topped out at 195 (!!). meanwhile mine, keep in mind we eat basically the same diet, was below even the most ideal level for LDL. so he got on some medication and he went back for his 6 week exam* and today he found out that his LDL went from 195 to *82*. anything over 190 is very serious and anything under 100 is ideal. HOLY COW!

of course after nearly breaking down in tears i celebrated by making him bacon cheeseburgers and fries for dinner. he has worked like a saint on his diet. he hasn't had ice cream or fried food of any kind since summer! he has upped his fish intake and eaten mostly low fat dairy and only egg whites. besides that our diet is awesome and it still didn't make a difference until he went on this medication. im so proud of david for taking his diet seriously because well, i can't imagine how hard that must be!

i want him to live forever, end of story.

Lent, Day 1

2011-03-09T18:04:00.001-05:00

the heart of Lent is to experience what your life, specifically your spiritual one, could be like if you let go of something that you don't need. for christians we give that space over to God but i think there everyone who wants to be or do better could benefit from this exercise.

i've decided not only to give up Facbeook for 40 days, but also my impatience with my kids. i realized after posting that on twitter that the definition needs a little expanding upon. what i mean is that i no longer want to be controlled by my children being well, children. children are slow, stubborn (they have the patience of an Ent to wait you out!), messy, self-centered, loud, and in your way. but that is the nature of a child and i need to give them freedom to be a child (though certainly guide and correct them and all that). what i've noticed today, is that when i'm reminding myself to be patient with them i realize that almost every time the fight is something that could be prevented if i say, started lunch 15 minutes earlier and let them dawdle and pick at their food in a way that appeals to them. instead i start it when it makes sense to me and spend the next 30 minutes shrieking EAT! EAT! by being more mindful of the whole situation, as naturally to undertake this kind of thing you HAVE to be lest my adultness take over, i give us both freedom. them to be a child and live at, what appears to me to be a messy, slow pace of life and for me to be way, way less angry and demanding. we both enjoy life more so win/win.

i am already seeing what i already knew, that facebook and several other sites were major life/time suckers. i spent 15 minutes checking my email and doing a Lenten reading then put the computer away. i realize how void of silence and stillness my life has. i can rationalize this away with "well i have children!" and "well i have to work!" & etc. but really, i am fearful of doing nothing. i fear boredom. i don't exactly know where this comes from, maybe i will find out in the next 39 days?

one thing i've also noticed already is how much of a slave i am to my default. to attempt to wean yourself off of something with sheer will is um very difficult to say the least. i have never felt addicted to something really, well not "in bondage" to something i guess. like, i could quit if i wanted to! oh yeah, we'll let's just see how that works shall we? my reaction in every down minute is to fidget with some technology or somehow have an input of information so to turn down the volume on my whole life? it feels like there is an echo in my house and head. but that is what Lent is about! when you start to veer towards what you are attempting to resist, let that discomfort redirect you to God and let it start a conversation about something. earlier today i was thinking about that song (phrase?) "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." but my brain said "you don't know what's got YOU until it's gone."

Dress up

2011-03-08T12:11:00.001-05:00

i have a fashionista friend who moved this past weekend and was clearing out her Closet. see her collection of clothes, shoes, and accessories is so large that i must capitalize the word Closet. she posted on facebook that her leftovers were open for adoption until x o'clock and you better believe i was the first one there - even at the cost of making us late for bible study. WORTH IT. i get there and she had converted her second bedroom into the nicest closet i've ever seen. perfectly organized by type of clothing, color, fabric or whatever. mannequins and mirrors were here and there all neat and lovely, what felt like an entire wall of jewelry hanging. and it's a beautiful mix of vintage and designer. one of "those women" who mixes thrifted stuff with high end and looks right off the runway. i am not a big shopper but i definitely stood in awe of her collection. her hallway, which contained the things she was giving away contained more clothes, shoes, and accessories than i even own! i walked away with a heavy, black military style coat, 4 vintage dresses, 2 belts, 2 vintage pairs of shoes which are to die for and fit oddly perfect, 2 pairs of pants including some high waisted, wide-leg pants which i've secretly always wanted to own, ad a vintage skirt. i am, like speechless to the point where my internal monologue sounds like a valley girl.

i am typically not one for vanity shots but here is what i'm wearing today

this entire outfit was free

Augustine's math sheet from today

2011-03-07T10:42:00.001-05:00

uhh... have i mentioned he's 5?

Lent

2011-03-06T15:57:00.001-05:00

aah sunday.

this morning we went to church and my old neighbor aaron went with us. this was pretty huge because he grew up and lives a very different lifestyle than we do. he is truly one of my best friends so the fact that he took the initiative to ask about our church and take time off from work meant a lot to me. he really wants a community of friends and people of similar ideals and he definitely believes in God but he hasn't been involved in any kind of organized religion since he was younger. we have a dumplings date a few times a month at this amazing place near us called Ying's. so over dumplings tomorrow i'll try to tease out his impressions but already he said he wanted to keep coming every sunday. YES

we had an amazing service today about Lent (which starts wednesday) and it's purpose is to deny yourself something that takes up space in your life. ultimately this will cause you pain and reveal desire. then you are to channel that pain and desire and attach it to God. i am embarrassed to admit this but i have never observed Lent before, though this year i am. i am so thankful that we attend a church that celebrates the old and new traditions of expressing Christian faith. we take traditional communion every week, sing the apostle's creed, encourage praying the hours, and so on and so forth. i feel so liberated to come to church messy (emotional, spiritual, or otherwise) and let myself be right where i am without feeling pressure.

anyways, i am going Big (for me) and laying off facebook for the next 40 days. i am quite intimidated by this but hey, let's just rip off that bandaid of hyper-pseudo-connection and see what's underneath shall we?

date night!

2011-02-23T12:55:00.000-05:00

i like this guy a lot

child-free weekend!

2011-02-21T13:36:00.001-05:00

since today is president's day and thus there is no school, my parents took my littlies for the entire weekend.

!!!

we went on a date to easton, where both of the restaurants we were entertaining eating at had 1 1/2 hr long waits to get a table. umm no. so we ended up at northstar. the last time i ate there, the following day i got a wicked stomach flu so i haven't eaten there in over two years! which is very sad because it is a delicious place. i got one of the best burgers i've ever had and david got a thai burrito. david and i discussed my dream shoes and we decided to go back to H&M and see how much they were. since i had no intention of buying them the last time i was there i didn't even look at the price. if they were less than $100 i was in. we got there and they were within budget by a pretty great margin but they no longer had my size! *sad trombone* i was more than a little pouty about this. i might try to get over to the other H&M soon to see if they have a pair but ugh it's all the way on the other side of the city!

sunday morning we slept in (by our standards at least, a whopping 8:30!) and went to church then met my good friend aaron at jack and benny's for brunch. this is the same place david and i went to last week and had The Best Breakfast Ever. i ordered the same thing and not only finished the entire thing but was the first one done! on our way home from brunch we went record shopping and bought a few goodies (new iron & wine, a lou reed album, a doors album i don't own). then we came back home and david worked in his workshop while i enjoyed a 4 hour nap. we laid around like walruses the rest of the day watching movies, playing with our smart phone apps and reading books until finally it was pushing into the next day and i went to bed.

as much as i love my kids i could get used to this.

oh &

shemira

2011-02-17T19:42:00.002-05:00

monday i went to sit with little henry for about an hour. it is intense where your mind goes alone in a room with the most impossibly small casket, while sitting two feet in front of it on a chair, with nothing but a bible, and silence to echo around the room. i first sat there and just stared at his minute resting place, breathing and trying to meditate on the moment. then i pulled out some of my favorite hymns and sang a little (it is well with my soul, impossible to get through). i prayed a lot of blessings, read a lot of the book of Job, and wept more. a lot of the space was filled with just total silence and breathing. it took quite a while for my heart and mind to slow down and just Be There with him. i could never grasp the despair and gravity of the situation and i wrestled openly with God about that. i was angry more than once, especially in the midst of categorizing some of the horrid things Job went through. there was no epiphany of seeing God's divinity or perfect plan but so much came out of that hour alone in that room. henry will not have spent one moment alone on this earth or the next. it was a beautiful tradition that i strongly encourage you to participate in if you are even given the chance. you won't walk out the same person you came in as.

henry

2011-02-15T20:38:00.001-05:00

a friend from church and her husband lost their baby yesterday morning. henry has anencephaly and though she was strongly advised to have an abortion they were opposed to it and continued to term. sunday evening they went in for an induction and he was born and passed away tuesday morning. the mood on sunday was somber, prayerful, raw, begging as the Body braced for the impact of pain. we are now conducting Shemira for henry until his burial wednesday morning. as soon as olive goes to school i am heading over. this is crushing.

free food, fantasy shoes

2011-02-12T13:43:00.002-05:00

a friend/neighbor just showed up on my door with an entire laundry basket filled to the brim with food that he was clearing out of his cabinets to make room for new stuff. here is a photo of our cabinet right now.

last we we went dumpster diving after the power went out at our local Target because of a wine/ice storm. dumpstering is fun but i often walk away feeling kind of depressed, though blessed. i understand why the stores have to throw things away but oh. it's just so sad what we feel is disposable. the temperatures were well below freezing so there was no risk of things even thawing. we found hundreds of digornio pizzas, lean pockets, meatballs, tubs of cream cheese, morning star farms food, bertolli meals, chicken breasts, breakfast meat, gourmet cheeses, milk, juice, frozen potatoes, seafood, hamburger patties, lean cuisine and marie calendar meals, paninis, waffles, and on and on. we filled my car twice before calling it a night and didn't even make a dent in what was there.

after we went dumpster diving we came home with about $400 worth of frozen food from Target, so adding these two things together we will have to spend probably a scant $100 this month (and maybe next? and the next?) on produce, milk, and eggs. i am overwhelmed with God's provision. not that we need free food but hello, why not eat for free?! we are frugal as we can be and that's the way we like it.

speaking of frugal, we got our tax return money. this always presents my brain with the dilemma of saving vs spending. i'm sure that's true for most people though. this year we are saving for solar panels but i'd really love to buy some art from my friend good who tattoos david and i, kat moya. we don't have any debt besides our mortgage thank God. anyways, i've wanted some new clothes. it is a sad side effect of being a tall woman that shirts are always too short in the torso and arms. i've long made do but ugh, i feel clownish a lot. so off to the thrift store i went and found some new stuff like flowery tights, then to H&M where i got some new jeggings (yes, jeggings) and a puff sleeved shirt, and finally to forever xxi for two new boyfriend cardigans. that will last me about 2-3 years. side note: i will buy pretty much any puff sleeved shirt. it's just how i roll. i really want david to spend a little money on himself. he's so selfless and works so hard. i might just have to hand him a hundred and shove him out the door.

i am not a girl who lives to shop. i like it well enough but it holds no particular obsession for me. however, i once came upon a very special pair of shoes and fell in love. in no reality would it be practical for me to own or wear these shoes and yet, i yearned for such a reality. the shoes i had been in love with since fall of 2009, "alexa" by jeffrey campbell as pictured below, were reproduced for H&M and they were in the store when i went there. i was giddy to try them on!

i don't know why they are so attractive to me (david finds them pretty repulsive). i spent more than a few extra minutes walking on a one person runway in the dressing room with these on before bringing myself back to reality and returning them to the shelf. a girl can dream but she still has to realize her life. so now i know that i would look adorable yet foolish in those, mission accomplished.

done, sick, lottery, handy

2011-02-08T13:44:00.001-05:00

things i am so DONE with:
winter/snow/being cold
everyone feeling sick

those two things pretty much are the main thing going on around here. my poor husband has been sick constantly for almost a month now. nothing terribly severe - first it was sort of like a mild bronchitis cough, then he woke up one morning and had pinkeye which required antibiotics, now he has a lingering cold that thank God is on it's way out. i'll believe it when i see it! we have one vaporizer in the house and it kind of floats from room to room based on who needs it the most that night. i am simply too frugal to go buy another. worst case scenario we sleep in one bed and share it? none of us caught davids pinkeye which was rather miraculous because a few years ago i couldn't stop getting it so i've long feared that i was particularly prone to that sort of infection. i am otherwise almost always healthy.

the weather, oh please just go die in a fire. we had an ice and wind storm that knocked out the power and the temperature never got above freezing to melt it for over a week so the entire city continued to slip around, on the sidewalks at least. needless to say my dog is going INSANE with all of the energy she can't get out by her typical walks. lots of throwing a ball/squeaky down the stairs routine going on up in here. i can't remember what grass looks like or the blue of the sky for that matter. i literally prayed to God that the sun would come out today. i know several people who are battling seasonal depression because it is just so chronically overcast here. you don't know what you've got until it's gone! and in this case it's the sunshine. cold i can deal with (uhh sort of) but cold + gray skies for a month = wake me up when it's over.

speaking of waking up. i love my bed. i love the story attached to it - that david and my mom took me to ikea to pick up something and surprised me by letting me pick out a bed. at the time we were i believe sleeping on a futon, which was all well and good (as well and good as it can be being pregnant and sleeping on even the best futon mattresses) but compared to a Real Adult Bed? i cried my eyes out. the mattress is perfect and soft/firm and we switch between jersey and flannel sheets and the pillows are so plump and lovely to bury yourself in. also david was kind enough to gift me his grandparents mattress pad warmer so that when i get it at night, it has the feeling of pulling a warm sweater on fresh from the dryer. best part naturally is sleeping next to my man. i used to struggle with being such a light sleeper that it was hard for me to be in a bed with him and sleep soundly. now of course after almost 9 years of marriage it's the opposite. it is a vacation to BE in bed with him not alone.

i dreamed of lottery numbers last night for some reason. it was very vivid and urgent which to me makes little sense because i've never played before. i must admit i am tempted to throw a buck down on the four numbers (3, 12, 30, 33) in some way. i probably won't but if someone does let me know how it works out :)

i am exhausted from this cold, which for me sadly just started up on friday night though it's mostly on the way out for the other three dudes i live with. we were at a friend's house for dinner friday night and as i was packing up my dessert i started feeling kind of achy. a few hours into the gathering i had to excuse myself because my body hurt so much. i literally just wanted to somehow levitate so nothing at all would touch my skin. but inside a hot bath at the same time? basically i needed to take a bath in orbit. i laid in there for a half hour praising Jesus for Tylenol and hot tea. i climbed into bed, teeth chattering, and barely emerged for the next day and a half. david kindly fed and cared for me and the kids.

oh that reminds me, david is super handy and i can't be more grateful for it. saturday he just went out into the garage and build himself a work bench that was oh, 12 feet long 4 feet high? put up cork board and organized his tools, built a new stand for our vegetable oil filtration system. then sunday he practically took apart the engine in my car and replaced a thingy - YES A THINGY - and got it back up and running. last week he installed a block heater so the ~~soul sucking~~ ~~never ending~~ cold wouldn't get in the way of it starting. and the most impressive thing, well besides physically Doing it - my brain just does not work with machinery - is that he is completely self taught. i can't compare it to anything in my own life/experience. yes i can bake or cook but that doesn't seem nearly as complex.

unfair, chess

2011-01-28T14:31:00.001-05:00

David has been teaching Augustine to play chess. It is thrilling to see his little mind strategize and make a genuine effort to outwit David. He takes great pride in himself when he takes a piece.

sometimes i question how i'm raising my kids. isn't that the plague of parenthood? it's also the plague of being a Try-er i guess. i struggle with this topic in two different ways.

with olive i feel i am failing to let her be little. she has always been the sort of kid who has been on the higher end of age appropriate abilities both physical and intellectual. i'm not being "that parent" when i say this. i couldn't care less if she is advanced or behind or whatever. i'm just being real about her. so when she can do advanced things and socializes well with older kids when she does things that are typical for a 3 year old (whine, not clean up her room as thoroughly as i expect, etc) i get snappy with her if not outright angry when she acts her age and i feel pretty ashamed of this. she is very attached to david and often will find any excuse in the book to get out of bed at night and see him/us. this makes me positively rage after an exhausting day. this is when i am most glad to be married because at least one of us must retain our sanity and calm the other while intervening. well usually at least. i just don't want to make her grow up too quickly in areas she's not ready for. showing restraint is difficult.

augustine has shown a real aptitude for math. his report card indicated that his teacher thought he was above his peers in this area. i never thought i'd be one to be too pushy about this kind of thing but all of a sudden i am All About Math with him. i'm constantly scribbling math problems on everything and offering incentives for completing his worksheets. i do not want to be pushy! i don't want to be that parent who is a drill instructor and i'm sure you're going to all be commenting that "no, you're just encouraging it!" but arg i just am struggling with balancing it. david's side of the family are all very left brained and proficient at math (many engineers!) i have dreams of him going to the local STEM school (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics emphasis) here. i'm sure he could test into the program but again, i don't want to be too pushy with what i feel is right for him. this is where i sharply differ from the chinese mother approach (what is up with that ridiculous mother!?) maybe i am too lax? i have considered that and only time will tell. i really like that we give our kids the comfortable amount of space to figure things out for themselves. i don't outright abandon them to their own abilities but it takes me longer to intervene than a lot of my peers. i guess i feel they, like me, learn better by Doing rather than observing or being told how to do something. i also question how much i am projecting myself onto my kids. which is hello, inevitable, we can only hope and pray that what we are projecting is the healthy and not the dysfunction. right now augustine is sitting next me listening to the beatles, doing math problems, and sipping on earl gray tea. something about this makes me uneasy. like i am morphing him into me and that makes me feel terrible.

anyways, augustine went to his first concert this week, Rain - a beatles tribute on broadway. augustine, my brother jason, david, and my dad went to the gorgeous palace theater downtown for it. i was pretty jealous. david said they went quasi-chronologically through their albums, changing outfits, facial hair, and hairstyles as they changed eras. everyone said it was amazing. augustine fell asleep somewhere around srgt. peppers but he still was thrilled to have gone! today he is sick and i suspect it's from staying up late two nights in a row, one for the concert and another from a late dinner party last night, and in general all kinds of germs floating around. i feel like the entire city is sick right now. so we're playing games and lounging in our jammies all day. well until tonight, wherein i will clean the house and host yet another dinner party.

did i mention that david and i have decided that now that we have a house, that we want to host one dinner party per week. i mean, what is a home if not filled with friends? so far we've stuck with this desire and i hope it keeps up. i want to Use this place.

Amor Fati

2011-01-24T13:45:00.001-05:00

i've got a new tattoo idea that im bursting to get. over the last few years it seems like i've been set on this trajectory of self improvement, of overcoming, of working really, really hard at living better within my life and skin. busting to get out of this mortality is a spirit that i want to nurture to be always better, kinder, more patient, and so on. anyways, when dealing with my post traumatic stress disorder i realize how often i live and act and feel "in spite of" or "because of" and not simply because. (i hope that makes sense) i've stumbled onto a phrase, rather a philosophy of sorts called Amor Fati. it is a quote by Nietzsche which translates to "love your fate". expanding on that it kind of means that you not just accept but embrace what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen to you all as a collection of your destiny, of what has brought you here to this very moment. there ceases to be a rejection or fighting of your past but you celebrate it because it happened and it made you who you are. lightbulb moment x1000! it doesn't mean celebrating what happened but loving that it is all part of a single, continuous story of who you are and where you are. i've already spoken with my tattoo artist kat about forming a piece around the phrase/philosophy. can't wait to see how it shakes out!

olive

2011-01-20T13:46:00.001-05:00

olive?

after death

2011-01-17T20:40:00.001-05:00

what do you think happens after you die?

i started thinking about this specific niche of science/belief because well, im restless with the idea of a finite consciousness. if i am honest, i want to live forever. not for some vain glory but to see what happens in the universe and with humanity. i believe that there are many projects around the universe similar and completely dissimilar to our planet but find no satisfaction in the limitations put on humans at this point in our evolution. if we don't self destruct or blow up the environment, i think given another 10,000 years we could launch out into the cosmos. i reflect very sadly that i won't be able to realize that vision. i feel i am equally a person of science as a person of faith. i can see an appreciate nature's flow and force in my life but also believe that there is much more to existence than just that. so my answer to the above posed question is heavily influenced by both. i see three options:

1. spiritual consequence.
the ol' heaven and hell thing. in this scenario everyone gets what they deserve and nothing that happened here on earth will hold hopes in our hearts and minds. our body returns to atoms and space dust but our essence goes forward for it's reward or punishment.

2. oblivion
i can't hang with this one because both parts of me say this isn't possible. where was my consciousness before i was born? that question keeps me awake thinking. is consciousness simply a biological inevitability? are we part of some simulation (OMG THE MATRIX IS REAL)? is there an intelligent design at work that gave us this consciousness? my science brain tells me that nothing dies, just changes form. therefore oblivion isn't possible. my spiritual heart does believe God made all of this and wouldn't leave us to disintegration.

3. enduring consciousness
this is what i struggle, sinfully, pitifully even, to NOT want - though if im honest it is what i do want. to have a consciousness that can permeate time and space and Know What Happens. david says i am being too hard on myself to call it SINFUL. he enjoys my curiosity and drive to learn. i feel like i am forsaking God by wanting anything but to just sing in a choir of angels. somehow, someway i wish at that moment of descent i'd be met with some other worldly knowledge of the universe, like a large gate being swung open that i didn't know existed.

i'd love to hear anyones thoughts on any of the above mentioned or their own feelings on what happens at the point of death. i've got every sort of person on my list and i'm itching to hear what you think!

party time

2011-01-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

2 hours before our housewarming party i started getting ANOTHER migraine. i couldn't believe it! i usually have one per year if that! (my last one was about 18 months ago) and here i am having two in one weekend! luckily i had most of the house set up and all of it was cleaned. the second and third batch of pizzas needed assembled and baked, and a few odds and ends laid out before people showed up but besides that we were ready. so it wasn't that big of a deal but um hello i was about to have 50+ people descend on my house and i was going to be O.U.T. and out i was. i downed two excedrin migraines and went upstairs. i was so desperate for relief that i forgot that concentrated caffeine makes me NUTS, nauseated (which leads to vomiting), etc. it also does strange things to my hands - they go rigid and eventually totally numb. at one point i was laying on the bed and i couldn't tell if i was touching david, me, or the bed (which was pretty crazy-making as you can imagine). as easy as the migraine on thursday night was, this one was painful. i rolled around moaning for a few hours but finally made myself go downstairs and face the party at around 7:30 or 8. i felt totally hungover and definitely stuck to the shadows. moving too suddenly, standing up, someone making a loud noise, or a kid bumping into me sent my hands to the sides of my temples in a grimace. while in bed i remember telling david that i wish i had a drill bit to drill into my skull (a la pi) and relieve the pressure.

i must interject here how much i love david. everything i need when i'm in crisis mode, david intuits and responds perfectly. im laying in bed trying to pull my head apart, dry heaving into a bowl, but i'm crying and telling him how much i love and appreciate him. i just kept chanting something like christ be in my body! Christ be in my body! which reminded me of when i was in labor and i kept calling out MERCY! MERCY! migraines are definitely the natural childbirth of headaches! anyways, david is amazing and i love him so much i want to just want to keep him in my pocket.

overall the party went well from what i remember. so many awesome friends showed up and brought us gifts and hugs and congratulations. it isn't home unless it's full of friends and laughing and kids shrieking. speaking of kids, augustine had his first sleepover that night. SUCH A FUN NIGHT TO HAVE A MIGRAINE! four kids slept over, though one woke up just after midnight crying and wanted to go home. poor little henry! despite going to bed at 11 pm, waking with henry after midnight, the kids still got up at 6:30 am! david let me sleep in, God bless him! and he made pancakes and watched star wars with all the little dudes. i felt like i had just woken up from a hard, HARD night of drinking the entire day. which stunk well a) because you feel awful and grumpy and tired obviously but b) it was my niece kylie's birthday party and i just kind of sat in the corner like a lump which isn't typical for me. after her party we went home and i went straight to bed with doctor who season 4 in tow and didn't come out for 12 hours.

first order of business tomorrow: getting a call into my doctor for a script for a migraine med. no more fooling around

family picture

2011-01-07T12:40:00.001-05:00

how cute is my big family? this is maria (david's sister OBVIOUSLY - look at those two!), her husband duane, and their kiddos jena, paige, annie, and ruby. and then of course me, david, augustine, and olive. we had this taken just before christmas and gave it to my in-laws. time passed way too quickly with them while they were in town even though by comparison we spent a lot of time together!

also, having a big housewarming party tonight and i am making black bean/quinoa sliders, individual cookies and cream cheesecakes, and homemade mini pizzas in three flavors (caramelized onion/pesto, pepperoni, and hawaiian). it's 5 1/2 hours before party time and i am done with everything but physically making the pizzas/burgers which i might start in a few hours and just let them stay warm in the oven until people start showing up. i've already got a stack of records for the playlist, floors swept, food table laid out, dishes done! feels good because normally i am not this organized.

also, last night i had a migraine which if you've had them of course was terrible. however, if it is possible to have a "best" migraine that would have been it. i was lucky enough that my dad was over and he gave me an adjustment right as the initial aura started to set in (6:30 pm) (btw did you know that migraine related aura are actually the result of your brain swelling and it pressing on the optic nerve in your eye? EWW/interesting!) after that i took two tylenol and two benedryl, turned on my bed warmer, and i swear i didn't so much as roll over or move a muscle until 7 am. 12 hours of sleep later i still feel extremely hungover, which is always the post-migraine feeling but this one feels just like i was punched in the brain, not run over by a truck sooo yay?

giving up responsibility

2011-01-01T19:15:00.001-05:00

2011 is going to be awesome.

first, i always give the new year a title - sort of a goal or mantra to try to live up to. 2010 was "the year of giving up (the illusion of) control over people". that went well enough. i made some positive moves towards just living in my own skin and not letting my feathers get so ruffled by people i perceived as being irritating/pushy/strange or whatever. this of course will be a life-long goal that i will not perfect this side of Heaven. this year i've already come up with the moniker of "2011, the year of giving up responsibility." obviously this does not mean i will be giving up Real Responsibilities. what i really mean is giving up what i perceive to be my role in forming others opinions or actions. naturally i have influence, but control? no way. what this means is added responsibility that my actions are not inciting anger, lust, confusion, division, etc. but after that? a persons deductions, reactions, and actions are their own. anxiety tells a person to put their head down, don't give someone a reason to flip out on them, live at peace with everyone! and not because you are really a peacemaker, but because you fear the fragility of your own self.

hello, my name is Jenny and i am a fragile person.

i want 2011 to be marked by bravery. most importantly bravery expressed by giving up my fears of people's reactions. i want to come to a place where i can say "no really, it's not me. IT'S YOU." when someone flips me off while driving or puffs themselves up or is incredibly negative. this in no way should be interpreted that i am blameless in negative situations, far from it. so i will also add to my list of life goals, continued and increased wisdom to discern how my actions/reactions/lack of action increases cycles of negativity. im not going to live in bondage to people's messy selves. walking on eggshells isn't a way to live and here's to freedom to be (a responsible version of) myself for 2011!

also, we have big plans for our new house, most importantly of which starts with SOLAR PANELS. i am really excited about this!

rubber band free and other nuggets

2010-12-30T09:19:00.000-05:00

i am pretty much always going to talk about my struggles with anxiety and the ins and outs of medication. it's what's going on in my life so often so if that bores you, you probably aren't going to like reading my entries.

i'm still taking 40 mg of celexa and it's going pretty well. i feel that now, 5 months on it i've finally hit that stage of plateau where i can step back and weigh the pros and cons and in general reflect on how my body reacts to it. there is now a very defined "pre" and "post" celexa. "pre" was survivable but i am very happy to be living in the "post" at this point. i haven't had a full blown panic attack since late October, and only a hint of one as far back as early December. the main thing i feel is that my body does not go as far as it once did with intrusive/negative/irrational thoughts. initially, these thoughts were gone completely. my mind was quieted from all of the chatter that gets me amped up and made me physically react to or altogether avoid perceived negative situations. it is odd to look back and see how controlled i was in almost every area of my life. simple things like getting groceries or going to a restaurant had an underlying level of compulsion attached to them. of course i am only able to see it now that i no longer feel it (as intensely at the very least). while i certainly still feel more comfortable doing these things (like facing doors in restaurants or always having a meticulously organized and detailed grocery list/taking the same route through the store) i don't NEED to do them to combat an anxiety attack. i've been trying to push myself farther and farther. i have discontinued wearing rubber bands on my wrists - previously used as a calming technique - and i often will leave the house without my ativan in tow. something i would have never considered in the past.

the only real negative side effects to speak of are slight loss of spacial awareness and recalling words is a little tougher. like today i couldn't remember the words TRASH BAGS. i just sputtered and snapped my fingers until augustine filled in the blank for me. frustrating but not the worst thing in the world considering some of the horror stories people have about taking medication. overall i sleep worlds better and in general i just feel hope about my condition, which i've never really felt before. instead i've felt resignation. which is neither healthy nor Godly.

christmas

2010-12-28T12:37:00.001-05:00

christmas was great and things are finally starting to slow down around here. it has, like everyone else probably, been a long string of events to celebrate the season. to top it all off, we have been spending copious amounts of time with david's sister and her family, in from boston. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE and i wish we lived closer so we could spend leisurely nights eating dinner while our kids run around the house squealing and playing games like they have lately. it is just so... comfortable. i wish i had more photos to commemorate the goings-on of our family lately but meh. it's all just happened so organically that i haven't felt compelled to whip our a camera.

there's this little ditty though.

christmas was full of major amounts of sugar consumption. this is the first holiday in memory where i can actually tell that i have gained some weight enduring. olive ate so much that in the middle of the night she started vomiting and didn't stop for 12 hours. MERRY CHRISTMAS or something. poor david was sleeping with her and got the brunt of it. there is a weird phenomenon in our family wherein david seems to always be with her when she vomits and i, rarely. i think i've only seen olive throw up 3 times and david has a dozen or more. it is not fun to get into a car and drive around with a puking child.

because i lost my phone when we moved i got a new windows phone for christmas from david. YAY! i can make Real Phone Calls and text all the livin long day. i am heavily addicted to the ninja fruit app. another thing he gave me is a big vinyl cut out of a tardis that he made at work. i don't quite know where to put it just yet.

last night we went to the zoo with the whole family to see the winter lights. it was beautiful albeit cold as heck. tromping around in 10 degree weather is so much more pleasant with hot cocoa and family though. again, seeing the kids tromping around with their 4 cousins was priceless. olive fell asleep on the way there and augustine fell asleep on the way home. he was so tired when we got him out of the car that he walked up to the wrong house!

moved

2010-12-21T15:31:00.002-05:00

so much to write about! i have dug myself into a blogging hole because there is too much to say on too many topics for one entry. so instead of just tackling one topic at a time i freeze up, start an entry, delete it, then close the computer with the mental promise to come back and try again later. l o l

so forgive me if this entry is disjointed or long.

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE.
as previously mentioned the house was a foreclosure in our neighborhood. HELLO this never happens. it all happened so randomly that it the whole thing has Jesus written all over it. we randomly received a business card from one of augustine's friend's mothers "to keep in touch" and it turned out she was a realtor. then the dog and i were walking to the vet a few days later and we happened to walk past this house, which at the time was on the market for $160K+. i mused about how cute it was but a) we couldn't afford it and most importantly b) we weren't even looking for/particularly interested in a house. we had a 5 yr plan and we were on track to be able to save $25K-$30K for a nice down payment. then we could afford this neighborhood. long story short this house was purchase by the bank at a rock bottom price and we made an offer within days of that and BAM here we are. david took wednesday-friday of last week off and we painted and painted and detached this and hung that, assembled this and packed that. it was insane and exhausting but in those three days we painted our living room (filoli morning glory and urban sunrise), dining room (uhh can't remember the name of it), and olive's room one color (lilac).

*not actual living room

this is a mock up of our dining room

by the third night we fell into bed exhausted. just in time to get up in the morning and Actually Move! somewhere in the move i lost my new texting phone and i am very sad about this because it was a present from david for my birthday.

DOG SCHMOG
my dog ran away yesterday. i clipped her in the backyard and maybe 20 minutes later i told augustine to let her in, he went to the back door, and the dog was just GONE. i am still clueless as to how she achieved this because she has no opposable thumb and the clip was somehow undone to release her. i frantically walked and finally drove around the neighborhood with a tub of peanut butter shouting for her. i even went back to our old apartment (5 streets over) and told the neighbors she might show up. our last stop was to our vet, which is within spitting distance of our house. SHE WAS THERE! she almost got hit on high street and the driver brought her in because they didn't know where else to take her. that worked out perfectly for us!

THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT PERFECTLY
i have been reflecting, as i often do because i'm just That Kind of Person, about my life and what sticks out to me lately is that everything always works out for me. i can name dozens of times where i felt at the end of my rope or we were really in a financial pickle or were somehow in some need and the perfect solution fell right into my lap. when david graduated college but before he had his first real job we moved into an apartment and had nothing but time to kill after david had sent out all of his resumes and done interviews. we had no idea how we were going to make ends meet so being 21 we went on a road trip to kill time before phone calls rolled in. when we got to kansas we got a phone call that david had gotten a job, however he didn't start work for a few weeks and we had no money! when we came home a week or so later we found a check in our mailbox (a refund from unused tuition ??? for books) that took us exactly to david's first paycheck. every car we've bought, we drove exactly one car before we found what we were looking for. i am the type of person who finds $20 on the ground right after i've lost $10. God is so good. we had been diverting a few hundred dollars into savings each month (for the above mentioned 5 yr plan) but that has gone away now that we've bought the house. we are still within budget but now we will only be able to save around $20 into an account. well until today. david got a random raise that will allow us to sock away even more than we had been previously! have i mentioned that God is good? and that none of this is my doing?

CHRISTMAS
yeah. it's on it's way and i feel so relieved that we are settled and 95% unpacked. i spent the entire day yesterday making treats to give away. i had ordered my brother some soap from etsy and yeah my dog ate them so i had to put my nose to the grindstone and knock out some candies he would enjoy. now i can just sit back and enjoy the last few days until christmas. also, david's sisters family is in town and i am SO EXCITED. i have four nieces, a sister-in-law and a brother-in-law that i love and rarely see!

Also, i made a Best of 2010 mix. give it a listen!

accidental date night

2010-12-08T12:52:00.001-05:00

it seems we are on track to close on the house by the end of the week. YAY! we sent the kids off to my parents house for the night, since augustine has no school today. half way home i remembered that i wanted to stop by hobby lobby and get the kids some bean bags to go with one of their christmas gifts. so we went there, naturally they didn't have any, but we did get some nice fabric and candy molds. have i mentioned that i'm making candy now? i can bang out a really awesome dark chocolate caramel if i do say so myself. then we hopped over to a few stores nearby to pick up some small things for the house - new street numbers, a sweet showerhead that looks like a spaceship (xnerdsunitex!), some storage for the bathroom, a dimmer switch for the dining room, etc. we also picked out paint for the dining room and olive's room. olive's room is going to be light purple and here is what the dining room is going to look like.

then i felt passy-outty because of my hypoglycemia and we went to chipotle. half way through dinner i was like "HEY! we are accidentally on a date!" and we had a good laugh. have i mentioned how much i love to laugh with david? i do. a lot. i don't think i could ever date anyone ever again. i realized last night that most of the things i say are a string of inside jokes that are between david and i. we have no plans for divorce or death any time soon thank God.

also, yesterday i had a doctors appointment and it was the first doctors appointment i have been to in over 10 years that i didn't take an ativan before going. when he asked how i was doing with my medication (i hadn't seen him since he prescribed it in late summer) i was like "the proof is right here!" i didn't even ask for an ativan refill because i can't remember the last one i took! keeping in mind that in late july/early august i was taken 1-3 PER DAY. God is good, life is good, medication is good.

today david took the day off of work and we got rid of two trash bags full of clothes, some old baby stuff no one needed, etc. and took it all to the thrift store, dropped some things off at maggie and austin's house, ran to the co-op, and he is out picking up paint while i am uhh supposed to be typing reports for work. soon, soon.

also, unrelated to me but i am signing augustine up for kindergarten chess and he is really excited. NERDCORE! he can't wait to properly play david.

birthday weekend wrap up

2010-12-06T18:52:00.001-05:00

my birthday weekend was awesome!

friday night we went to a local hot dog joint called dirty franks and it was unreal. they have like two dozen fancy hot dogs you can choose from with delicious sides like tater tots, fries, and funnel fries. i hate hot dogs so i subbed a brat and got one thanksgiving dog (which had mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, and cranberry sauce) and one "cowgirl carmen" which had chili, cheddar cheese, and fritos. the latter was particularly delectable. i also got a big fat order of tater tots and fries. i have high standards for tater tots and these were fantastic.

saturday i slept in and david made me breakfast - a brownie! bacon! and blueberry muffin! i think ill keep that man around. then we all got dressed and went record shopping at two places.

i ended up getting steve miller band, grateful dead, mgmt, akron/family, mamas & the papas, meatloaf (don't hate), radiohead, the doors, & mumford and sons.

after record shopping we met my parents for lunch and was surprised to see my whole family was there! der dutchman has THE BEST food and we all stuffed our faces. then we came home, laid around, and augustine went off to a friends house to play. that night was david's company party so we dropped the kids off at my brother josh's house and went out to luce's. again, delicious food! except this time we were dressed up. 5 minutes after sitting down david's coworker leans over and announces that she "has waited long enough! let's talk about doctor who!" and we laughed and talked nerdy for the rest of the evening. i will also note that this was the first company party in history that i have been able to attend without taking an ativan first. i felt so proud!

sunday we overslept and missed church. david's huge project that kept him at work 80-100 hrs per week is over so it's kind of nice to just do nothing together. we played mario kart if that counts.

the panic that stopped

2010-12-06T00:12:00.002-05:00

i had a panic attack last week and it didn't ruin my day, which is progress. i went with my mom and olive to a restaurant and i had a flicker of panic while we waited for our table, as restaurants with all of their hustle and bustle combined with strangers and aromatics can often be sensory overload for me. we ate and laughed and all was well. then my mom wanted to do a little shopping (for olive) so i took olive to the car so "maw maw could use the restroom". just moments later i felt pressure in my stomach and bladder and that is when it hit

i recognized immediately what i was flashing back to. The Night. the feeling of being powerless to leave a situation and to have to use the restroom but being unable to (in this context because i had to basically hide olive outside while my mom shopped and on The Night because i was incapacitated by trauma and drugs in a strangers house so i didn't even know where the restroom was let alone how to make my legs and feet move to get there.) the feeling of being in public and having to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW is the most powerful trigger outside of feeling high/intoxicated. both are of course strongly linked to That Night. when it happened i ended up peeing all over the floor in my sad state, adding further shame/confusion to the memory.

so we are walking around outside, also - it's 30 degrees out with a dusting of snow on the ground "YAY", and i feel the darkness roaring inside me. i start to do what i always do, grab my bag, fumble through it looking for my ativan. but the consequence of living better and walking in recovery and healing made me pause and emotionally do a 180. i decided to try to stay with it and not medicate it. first, just having the mental/emotional space to DECIDE anything in that context is a big statement. a trigger-response has thus far felt totally automatic, a default, a survival method of my most basic core. and really, it has been i guess. but surviving is not the same as living. and "not feeling terror" is not at all the same as "being better."

if i start to compulse (as i realize that is the true word for my calming techniques whether they be avoidance, medication, pacing, tapping, etc. though the term is typically only applied to those with OCD.) i must stop myself and do the opposite if i have any hope at recovery. instead of avoidance i must confront. instead of medicating i must stare right in the face of my triggers with all of my faculties. it will hurt. it does hurt. but it's the only way to ever heal. so i put my bag away and meditated on the many affirmations that i have memorized. again, just having the space inside to think of anything but FLIGHT FLIGHT FLIGHT is really amazing. the one i really drew upon yesterday was: No matter how I feel or what I experience, God is present and constant.

to think about God during a moment of panic is not typical. in fact really i am bewildered at the purely biological response. it feels animalistic in it's call for self-preservation through escape. but i did pause, i did linger on the big picture of the moment. that how i feel does not determine whether God is present with me nor his enduring before, within, and after that either. and if that is what sustains me, then that will be the fears undoing. AND IT WAS. i also reflected on Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane on the night he was betrayed. if you really read that portion of the bible, knowing that Jesus knew not only that his friend would sell him out but that he was going to get tortured, his response is like PRE-traumatic stress disorder. He says "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.", "Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me.", and "He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood."

HELLO.

birthday

2010-12-04T17:06:00.002-05:00

i'm 29 today

The empathic civilization

2010-12-02T16:42:00.002-05:00

love love love this.

Doctor Who

2010-11-29T09:33:00.003-05:00

i am going to fly my nerd flag here and confess that i have been neck deep in Doctor Who. why i haven't ever watched this show is lost on me as i am a lover of sci-fi (x-files being my all-time favorite show). i think that i was hesitant because i don't have the greatest track record of loving british television. in fact i can't really think of any show that is british that i've enjoyed long term. the show is the longest running sci-fi show in history but i only started watching it from the 2005 season onward, where christopher eccleston is Doctor Who. some of the effects are cheesy. cheesy to the point where i almost gave up in season one in fact. i loved christopher eccleston - he had an almost johnny depp like quirkiness about him as the doctor. but then the roles was changed to include david tennant (who played barty crouch jr. in HP and the prisoner of azkaban). i was skeptical of this transition but now i am in love. so in love with the show that i totally started doing the ugly cry at the conclusion of season two. yeah. i am that person crying over sci-fi.

cuppa tea

2010-11-23T13:55:00.002-05:00

my dad swears that when he was a boy, when he would come home from school his mother would have a plate of warm cookies waiting for him. EVERY DAY. as much as i love to bake, i cannot pull off such a routine. now that it is warm here in ohio (finally, what is with these 60+ degree days at the end of november!?) i like to have a warm cup of something waiting for my little kiddos when they get home from preschool and kindergarten.

tea is something that i love all year round and my kids, augustine in particular, has really started following my tastes in this way. his favorite is honey lemon ginger and olive's is raspberry. we have a big stockpile of tea, for it wouldn't be a home without it in my opinion, and every day they get to choose one if they desire. one of my favorite parts about having kids is having little but meaningful traditions like this.

enzymes

2010-11-19T12:49:00.003-05:00

i want freelance whales to take over the world! or at least the radio. i have got to convince ~~david~~ MYSELF to go to this show. it will be my way of treating myself for my birthday

and speaking of music, check out this amazing, creative website. i spent over an hour on here yesterday.

mania

2010-11-17T17:42:00.000-05:00

i used to think that this medication (celexa 40 mg) was somehow making me focused and energized. i kept thinking - have i always had such mild ADD tendencies? have i never noticed until now, when it is being slightly but noticeably corrected? i even recommend to lauren that this med helps with ADD. my house has periods of spotlessness and all the laundry gets done, the floors mopped, the windows scrubbed, the recycling tidied, shelves dusted, fridge scrubbed, and so forth. not that i am totally off the mark per se but after some more research and talking with another person who has taken this medication my deduction now is not corrected ADD but that my body has a mild manic reaction to it! not that i'm complaining because i've never felt more productive! it's not all the time, maybe a few days a week. and it isn't typical of bipolar type mania where you are hyper and have a millions ideas and can't sleep and can't control myself. rather i feel motivated to do sensible things that my otherwise sloth-like tendencies have let slack. it's just a pinch more organizational know-how, just a smidge better at meal planning and toy organizing, and time management skills than i am used to.

so... yay!?

also david is working non-stop for the next 2? 3? weeks which really stinks. we all miss him and he's just so pleasant and funny to have around. yesterday i think he worked a 15 hr day and that was actually not all that bad because we actually got to hang out for an hour or so, though we had to stay up until almost midnight to do it. poor dude. i made him some brain food snacks because he hardly has time to take breaks to eat and when it's 2 am and you've been staring at a computer screen for 12 hours a dude just needs a bit of his wife's cooking, know what i'm saying? this period also coincides sadly, with my birthday. his company party is ON my birthday which stinks. i mean the party is at a lovely restaurant but umm not how i wanted to spend my evening. however, the night before freelance whales are playing in town and i wanted to get the four of us tickets to go to the observatory to check out the stars. all of this is of course if david isn't getting off work at midnight and/or can stay awake. i remember a few years ago we went to see feist during this project (it is the same project due every year that takes ~3 months to organize, shoot, retouch, etc.) and the poor man fell asleep in the middle of the concert! this also means we won't be seeing harry potter tomorrow night at midnight seeing as he might just be getting off work. however, once the project is done we plan to go out to dinner and see it. come on december!

NKOTB

2010-11-17T09:24:00.001-05:00

as a child of the 80s and 90s it is illegal not to love this song/video

cereal bars

2010-11-16T18:02:00.001-05:00

this morning i made cereal bars by throwing together 2 cup of oat cereal, 1 cup of puffed wheat cereal, 3/4 cups natural peanut butter, 1/2 cup honey, a dash of salt, a handful of sunflower seeds, and 1 cup of dried cherries. i "melted" the peanut butter with the honey before pouring it over top of the other ingredients, pressed it down, let it cool, and cut them up. YUMMM. i based it on a recipe my friend hannah gave me.

if you're using regular peanut butter you could probably use less and nix the salt. ours is literally just ground up peanuts so it doesn't have the same amount of oils or salt in it. the first batch i made didn't have enough peanut butter and they were certainly delicious but they fell apart more easily because they weren't bound by the gooey peanut butter.

many hands make the load light

2010-11-10T13:00:00.001-05:00

[God's promised land] is a land with large, prosperous cities that you did not build. The houses will be richly stocked with goods you did not produce. You will draw water from cisterns you did not dig, and you will eat from vineyards and olive trees you did not plant. When you have eaten your fill in this land, be careful not to forget the Lord, who rescued you from slavery in the land of Egypt.
-- Deuteronomy 6:10-12

this is pretty much my experience in the last three years with God and our church. truthfully, i've done very little compared to the benefits i've (insanely, richly) reaped.

example -- last year i ran out of my must-have medication (ativan). i had a script for it but at the time no health insurance. my blessed friend karen james told me straight up that they would help me with the money get it filled.

example -- david and i were just getting over the flu. it was one of those times where you have been in bed or on the couch for so many days that you are stir crazy, yet fatigued. the kids were fine so we decided to attempt to walk to the park (1/2 mile away), pulling them in the wagon. i remember shuffling down the sidewalk like an 80 yr old arthritic, so tired but loving the sunshine. we had recently moved from westerville (extreme north side of columbus) clintonville (more north-central) and had started going to central vineyard only 3 weeks earlier. as soon as we got to the park david got a migraine and ran home. i sunk onto a bench and gradually began to realize that there was no way i could pull two children in a wagon a half a mile in my condition. i might have started crying from both fatigue and frustration. i then saw someone i didn't recognize wearing a central vineyard tshirt (!). i siddled up to them and asked if there was any humanly way possible they could drive us back home. with cheerful faces jess aebi and family packed us up in their van. i've never forgotten that!

example -- remember in july when i had a post traumatic stress disorder related mental breakdown that kept me in bed/inside for a month? half a dozen friends came and literally sat in bed with me, cried with me, prayed with me, read to me, babysat my children, and in general stood by and in for me. it has been the deepest and most sincere expression of affection that i've ever experienced. to be totally undone and to find love is something i too often let my cynical side trick me into think isn't possible.

example -- a year ago david and i's marriage was pretty rocky. we both were kind of disconnected and we weren't spending very much time together. we both sought dysfunctional ways of expressing that hurt. i was very depressed and he was very pained. there were several weeks if not months of despair and feeling trapped and more depression and darkness. now, i can't imagine feeling that way! AT ALL! david and i have never been closer or stronger. we laugh together every day just like we've always wanted.

example -- as well as i am doing post-breakdown, i certainly still struggle. i have good days and bad but it's broken down more into bad "moments" vs "days", "weeks", etc. one of my battles has been getting my kids to school. i don't know when this ghost will roar inside me and that unpredictability makes being consistent in such matters tricky. jamie dellesky and chelsea kay pick up olive for school and drop her off every day! it is such a blessing to have friends who will bear your burdens with you!

a city i didn't build. goods i didn't produce. cisterns i did not dig, vineyards and olive trees i did not plant.

sick kids and christmas

2010-11-08T10:53:00.001-05:00

augustine is sick today so he is staying home, chilling in a couch-boat i made for him. i made him any breakfast he wanted, which turned out to be whole wheat strawberry pancakes and turkey bacon with lemon-ginger tea. (i swear this child and i are psychic twins with how we eat/drink) i am secretly pleased that he is staying home, though i certainly pity his scratchy throat, tickly ears, and rattling chest cough. i love my kids equally of course but augustine and i have a particular bond that makes me miss him terribly when he gone for so long at school. olive has always been independent and high energy, whereas augustine, like me, is a lounger. we have the same energy about us and we are always able to intuit what each other (and i believe people in general) need at a particular moment. last night i expressed some fatigue and sore throat and he, at age 5, went and got me a blanket and covered me up. it is small but moving to me that he is so compassionate and helpful when people need comfort. so anyways, i am enjoying that he is home today.

christmas is approaching, in case you haven't noticed. i already have most of the gifts we are giving away picked out, it's just a matter of getting out and getting them/ordering them online at this point. the best part of this year's christmas is that david's sister and her husband + 4 kids are coming to visit! we are all anxiously awaiting their arrival, even if it is 5 or so weeks away still. we so rarely see them, as they live near boston and we live in columbus. they are so precious to me both as family and friends. every year i struggle between the practical and the fantastic when it comes to asking for what i want. i rarely buy myself things and when i do i have a lingering sense of guilt sometimes. i bought myself three pairs of plugs this year and i'm like OMG BIG SPENDER! (even though they totaled less than $100 for the lot). one thing i do want this year is one of these rad hoodies from one of my favorite etsy shops - MungoCrafts. they are expensive, by my standards at least, but they are super cute and made from recycled materials! a blog i follow (and you all should too) called the dainty squid is doing a giveaway of one of these awesome hoodies! i also want some new plugs from mystic metals. just look at some of their adorable designs! oh and a food saver, because i kind of hate having to borrow one every time i have a huge batch of beans or chicken or whatever that i need to process and throw in the freezer. H&M gift card? that is all i've come up with so far.

christmas is approaching, in case you haven't noticed. i already have most of the gifts we are giving away picked out, it's just a matter of getting out and getting them/ordering them online at this point. the best part of this year's christmas is that david's sister and her husband + 4 kids are coming to visit! we are all anxiously awaiting their arrival, even if it is 5 or so weeks away still. we so rarely see them, as they live near boston and we live in columbus. they are so precious to me both as family and friends. every year i struggle between the practical and the fantastic when it comes to asking for what i want. i rarely buy myself things and when i do i have a lingering sense of guilt sometimes. i bought myself three pairs of plugs this year and i'm like OMG BIG SPENDER! (even though they totaled less than $100 for the lot). one thing i do want this year is one of these rad hoodies from one of my favorite etsy shops - MungoCrafts. they are expensive, by my standards at least, but they are super cute and made from recycled materials! a blog i follow (and you all should too) called the dainty squid is doing a giveaway of one of these awesome hoodies! i also want some new plugs from mystic metals. just look at some of their adorable designs! oh and a food saver, because i kind of hate having to borrow one every time i have a huge batch of beans or chicken or whatever that i need to process and throw in the freezer. H&M gift card? that is all i've come up with so far.

"i have just made the world's largest gem sweater in the world!"

2010-11-05T12:18:00.003-04:00

i am proud to belong to a group of friends who are very craft-y. i, however am not craft-y. i can't sew, knit, felt, or crochet. i can garden and i can bake and i'm sure given enough time and glue i could decoupage the crap out of something. oh! or a bedazzler, i could probably wield that with much success. (wait, is anything successfully bedazzled?) anyways, i am a-okay with that mix. my good friend maggie showed me this video and not only is it hilarious but it's also pretty accurate of craft-y friends! i could see many, many of my friends doing this video.

enjoy!

weaned

2010-11-01T10:59:00.000-04:00

at 3 1/2, olive has officially weaned. i can't believe we made it this long! i had such a hard time nursing augustine, ultimately leading to be exclusively pumping for him until he was 15 months old, so it was really important that i get off to a good start with olive. thankfully she took right to nursing and well, never let up. i kind of assumed i'd be the don't ask, don't refuse type of weaners but i had no idea if it would actually happen. i'm really glad how it ended (with neither of us particularly fussing, both just losing the comfort and need associated with the routine). sweet beginning, sweet ending

halloween!

2010-10-31T19:36:00.000-04:00

addict

2010-10-29T23:32:00.001-04:00

today was nutso around here. i got augustine off to school then came back and lounged with olive. at 10 i remembered that there was an ecstatic dance class i wanted to take olive to so i rushed around, threw food in her hand, and ran out the door. this wound me all up but i put one foot in front of the other and made myself calm down and not back down in the face of panic. it was so wonderful hanging out with my good friend michelle and the dance class was fun and it was only $3! so i rushed back home and olive said she was hungry AGAIN. now that she is well she is ravenously hungry. for breakfast she had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of turkey bacon, half of a bagel with cream cheese, an apple, and a glass of water. seriously. then we went to the class and she begged two granola bars off of michelle then wanted lunch when we got home! she definitely has lost a pound or two in the last week with all the stomach and intestinal problems she's had. i gave her a bath two days ago and she looked so lean, it made me sad.

i was a little wound up from going out to the dance class and the friend/s who usually pick olive up for school were nowhere to be found and weren't answering their cell phones. so i threw olive in the car and took her myself (the first time i've done this). i felt okay, again just put one foot in front of the other. i kept the mantra that my doctor taught me (anxiety is a FEELING not an event) rolling through my head like a ticker tape and i was again fine. when i picked her up i was so amped up from leaving the house not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in one day (hi, agoraphobic remember?) that i ate and ate and ate halloween candy until i had a wicked hypoglycemic crash and fell asleep. the next thing i know, augustine is standing next to me nudging me asking why i wasn't on the porch when he got home from school. he walks half a block from the bus stop to our home but i am always on the porch to greet him. whoops.

the older i get the more of an emotional eater i become. i am very quick to not let a calming technique escalate into a full blown compulsion. thus far in my anxious life if something feels calming (i.e. sleeping, medicating, hand tapping, simply leaving an overwhelming situation, never facing a trigger alone, etc.) i will repeat and repeat and repeat that habit in the hopes that it will be my key to freedom. but a ritual isn't peace, it is only a numbing technique and now that i've decided to engage instead of numb, i've got to be quick on my emotional toes so i don't fall into bad habits. bad in this case meaning, any ritual that is only meant to pacify and not uproot pain and heal from it. if it is not edifying in a long term sense, i don't want to do it. i do not struggle with under or overeating but today, i ate my emotions and that makes me feel awful. in many senses i am an addict. an untraditional one of course, but an addict to numbing tension is an addict nonetheless.

and the puke goes on

2010-10-26T22:26:00.000-04:00

is today over yet?

last wednesday night olive started throwing up in the middle of the night. then thursday and friday she was happy go lucky, energetic, and had no symptoms. saturday afternoon puking again. sunday - lethargic but no vomiting. yesterday was the worst though. i came back from walking augustine to the bus stop (~8:30) and she was still in bed. 30 minutes later she was playing on the ground in her room quietly. 30 minutes after that she was almost asleep on the floor amongst the toys. i made her a little bed out of augustine's feathery duvet, her pillow, and a blanket because she said she didn't want to move. i rolled her onto this bed and she fell asleep and stayed there either dozing or looking out the window for the rest of the afternoon. it was SO sad. she was so tired and without an appetite but again, no vomiting. today, diarrhea and more vomiting but not fatigued. in fact last night she ate a whole bowl of steamed vegetables before bed and this morning actually ate the pancakes i made for us all so i figured she was turning the corner. nope, mount vesuvuis all over the bathroom floor a minute ago. i've never taken my kids to the doctor for being sick before but this one is testing my resolve a little. i'm of the opinion that she had what david had. it hung around and was intense for a few days (whereas hers is less intense and more spread out but the result will be the same -- recovery without intervention.) she isn't sick enough to get antibiotics nor do i think it's even something that would require them. so if that's the case why go at all? her school is requiring a well check so she will be going in for that next week. good grief if it isn't cleared up by then! today i literally had to scoop up a 5-heaved pile of puke WITH MY HANDS. oh, motherhood.

believe

2010-10-21T13:33:00.002-04:00

meds and not-meds

2010-10-19T16:03:00.001-04:00

when last we left off in the drama of working through finding the right dose of celexa, i was self-prescribing 25 mg. that afternoon i called my doctor and he wrote me a script for 40 mg, which i have since been able to wean myself up to. every little bump fills me with terror because i am scared of feeling "high". that inescapable feeling that is so triggering/suffocating. my other fear, which i am here and now acknowledging to be irrational, is that although this medication initially helps calm my anxious chatter in my mind, it is only temporary and will eventually stop working. so far that has kind of been the pattern. i will start with a dose and after the 1-3 day semi-high feeling dissipates, i feel rejuvenated and hopeful and confident to tackle the world. after 1-2 weeks the medicine stops being as effective and i bump it a little higher. now, rationale tells me that 20 mg is the absolute baseline dose so i shouldn't put too much stock in all of my issues being tied up with the minimum, but well, a girl can hope. i am on day 3 of 40 mg and things are going really well. truth is, even when the medication looses it's effectiveness things are still going well.

marriage is great, the kids are great, my friendships are great, my family is great, i love my neighbors, and sleeping at night, and the weather is idyllic in the way that only fall can be in ohio. expanding on what i said in my last entry about acceptance, im coming to accept my emotional limitations. i used to get seriously down on myself that i couldn't do x, y, or z like "normal people" and yes, it will always be my hearts desire to rid myself of panic attacks, phobias, and agoraphobia but you know what? it doesn't change anything really. or at least i won't let it anymore. big whoop i don't like going to the grocery store alone. who cares if i can't attend a party? my physical and social boundaries are finite, but my emotional and spiritual capacity to love is infinite. i can connect with people and God and things that bring me and others joy perfectly well thank ya very much. it bothers me that i can't be and do what i perceive everyone else can but i'm working towards it not getting me down, not making it a boundary. my home can be one of peace and love and my community of friends, mutually edifying all outside of my panic attacks and internal poopiness. and if that is true? i'm pretty free -- meds working or not. i used to think it was ironic and sad/funny that God gave the burden of anxiety attacks to someone like me, who is cheerful and outgoing and loves people. i focused only on the barrier of trauma between myself and them, which was pretty depressing. but i'm more readily surveying the tools and talents i have and working within them.

i made it to a pumpkin patch this week, but missed my second important wedding. i made it to a going away party for my friend ryan, but i didn't make it to the grocery store alone. but my kids and i shared lots of laughs and discussions about space or making jelly (grape! my first time and it is fantastic!) or something else unimportant/important. david and i both can never get tired of each other and last night we just stood like two giraffes with our necks intertwined, hands at our sides in exhaustion when we finally saw each other after a lonnnng work day. i don't get out that much, but there is a nearly constant influx of neighbors, friends, and family popping by spontaneously or planned for dinner or a laugh or to borrow this or talk about that. my home is warm and even when my head is swarmed with nervous chatter and phobic thoughts i still feel good here.

cold turkey, sci-fi, getting older

2010-10-13T14:58:00.003-04:00

i did a practice run of my dia de los muertos make up. this took me 1.5 hours and i am not entirely satisfied with it so i'm going to do it at least one more time. i think it looks pretty good though

we've cold turkey'ed olive's pacifier use. please ignore and/or excuse and/or do not judge the fact that she is 3 1/2 and has thus far steadily and enthusiastically loved that thing. i am quite happy to use bribery to my advantage in this matter and i promised olive a toy-trip to target if she gives up without complaint, for a week. three days in and not a peep about it. this is exactly the same track she took when we transitioned out of co-sleeping. shockingly easy and quick.

unrelated but do you ever notice how on say, star wars or star trek that there is a disproportionate amount of humans to aliens shown inhabiting the universe? why does this bother me? im blaming the the coffee buzz i am on right now coupled with my high consumption rate of sci-fi.

also unrelated, but i am really enjoying getting older and the changes it brings. not so much physical, for who could really get too jazzed up about wrinkles and gray hair and all that, but the emotional, social, and psychological changes developing. gosh being young is for the birds by comparison! you've got a body you probably only think you feel comfortable in, have totally messy relationships, and lack in wisdom. now, creeping up on 30, i am on a good track to love my every artistic quirk God gave me, have meaningful, supportive relationships with my family and friends, and well -- i still seriously lack in wisdom. i can't really put my finger on it, so therefore i'm throwing my opinion towards "simply getting older" but the feeling of acceptance is coloring my worldview. not acceptance in the sense of no-rules, everyone can just do whatever feels good/seems right to them but accepting that i am the way i am and others are how they are and not getting so up in arms that we can't just agree. i'm pretty positive i'm only meant to agree with a small percentage of people in the world and the rest we're just supposed to love and work towards cooperation and peace. life is so much easier now that i've realized it's pointless to get ruffled by people who are extremely different from me. now that certainly doesn't mean everything is a-okay and that justice stands for nothing but by and large people do their thing and that doesn't affect my life one lick usually. moral of the story - love God and people as much as you can, stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves, and let the rest go because you can't control it.

bullet points

2010-10-11T14:13:00.002-04:00

+we raised $240 at our bake sale this weekend! i am amazed and blessed that so many people walked/came by and bought stuff. i had way less baked goods than i needed - and this after baking for 2 straight days making pretzles, cookies, pies, and brownies. after being "open" a mere 45 minutes over half of our goodies were gone! so i ran inside, threw together more brownies and a cherry crisp and somehow we made it work.

+our annual day of the dead celebration is rapidly approaching and i'm pulling together what i hope will be a better costume this year. i've worn the same dress two years in a row and only made small improvements with the make up last year from the first. this year i'm going to make a better effort. which brings me to my request: does anyone have any high pigment make up i can have? i was going to run out or order some MAC stuff but meh, i though i'd ask here first because i know i have a few fashionable ladies who have treasure troves of the stuff lying around. i basically just want something to use around my eyes so anything bright (red? blue? green? purple? orange?) and saturated would work. i just don't want to spend money on expensive make up that i will only use once a year perhaps. ilu guys

+sunday was nikolem2's wedding and i couldn't get in the car and go. it was in cincinnati and i just have never been that far away in the last few months so we stayed home, much to my chagrin. she is my oldest friend and i know it would have been amazing! it was all eco-friendly, local foods, vintage/reused/upcycled stuff. love it.

+augustine and i have started star gazing. he and i are mutually interested in the cosmos so i went to the library and got a mountain of books on the subject including some really rad star charts that tell you precisely when to go outside each month and where to see the constellations. as soon as i see david on a regular basis again we are planning a trip up to perkins observatory to get a Real View of the stars. i just need to coordinate our schedule with that of as nearly a moonless night as possible. augustine is going to flip!

reaping what i'm planting

2010-10-06T12:41:00.001-04:00

yesterday i went to the library for the first time by myself. (i love how nothing can motivate me like a good book waiting on reserve.) in the last few months typically david has gone with me or at least took me there but waited in the car. i've stopped feeling foolish about this and just accepted it. i also realize that my habit of pushing myself too hard for so long was in many ways limiting the love people can show me. being vulnerable and even weak is a good opportunity for others to love and support and i've seen that more clearly in recent days than ever before. i really wanted to get mockingjay from the library. i've been waiting for this book to come out for months and months and i was 8 millionth on the waiting list until yesterday. i took a deep breath and grabbed my keys. sat in the car and breathed some more. turned the car on and breathed again. drove there and parked and breathed again. while i was driving i kept thinking of these amazing lyrics that michael gallaugher wrote:

i need strength for today
and hope for tomorrow
i stand in my pain and choose to trust you

this song was written for our friend joe who died just a few weeks ago from cancer. when i hear this song in my head i think of him and his wife jess who would often sit in front of us in church. their arms were always lifted up with tears streaming down their face during worship when michael would sing this. and not that this is some comparative situation my issue with their situation but if joe and jess can face terminal cancer and raise their hands, i can do this too. i can face the pain and submit to the feeling and lay it down. now i might have to KEEP laying it down over and over again. i definitely will have to keep facing it and submitting to it. so the whole time i was driving and the whole time i was in the library the lyrics were like a ticker tape in my head. i stand in my pain and choose to trust you. and i felt waves of calm crash over me. i will not say that this is getting significantly easier but at least the motives behind my terror are more clearly defined. i've removed my shackles of shame and put a name to the trauma so for that i am thankful. hard work is hard.

Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.
-- Psalm 126: 5-6

here's to a good harvest someday!