last week david said he feels our family is complete. i don't know how to process this. i have no feelings either way (but secretly i feel i DO but don't want to be too conflicting with him, who seems resolved). i guess i always felt i would know in the moment that yes, this is IT. the last. the finale. i feel nothing like that towards olive. i mean i don't feel that she is or isn't to be perfectly honest. she is my baby snick snack and nothing more or less. at least a handful of times per day i have a ticker in my head saying last baby. last baby. last baby that will ever be ____ minutes, days, weeks, months old so enjoy it. this makes me immediately drop my cup of tea to it's coaster (who am i kidding, i don't use coasters) and pick her up and breathe deeply into her flubbery goodness. i am a woman who loves to be pregnant, loves to birth, loves to nurse wee babies (and i assume big ones too...), sleep cuddled up with a sleepy headed baby, change diapers, teach, love, and parent little ones. it goes without saying that i believe this profound love will extend to all of the coming stages of my childrens' lives but what i know and feel is that i love the here and now. intuitively i know that somewhere, sometime the parade of sigler pregnancies and thus births and babies must come to a close but i can't help grasp at my love for these things and wish they could never end. truly if i could be pregnant and birth a million times i would. (ok maybe 8-10 or so...) that doesn't mean i want or can handle anywhere near that many CHILDREN though naturally. consideration for various things has to be given. desire for more children, financial issues, my problems with anxiety/agoraphobia, birth order stuff (david doesn't want olive to be a middle child but we both think 4 kids might be pushing it), etc. etc. on down the line. i guess i just desire closure. err.. rather clarity is a better word for it. clarity that will lead me to closure - how about i put it that way? my linea negra is barely visible but still there. a small reminder of what my womb has done for the world. the more if fades the weirder i feel. i think i still have a twinge of non-completion about it all.
peanut butter (with no hydrogenated oils finally...) + strawberries + blueberries sandwich make life worth living today. oh and jesus, babies, husbands who rock, love, family, sunshine, and all that stuff too. furthering my attempts to whittle down my cupboards bare before buying more stuff olive and i made brownies not-from-a-box. my first time making them from scratch, though im not making the icing since im trying to use up what i have. i have everything to make chocolate buttercream icing but darn it if i dont have a tub of the premade stuff staring at me.
this afternoon we went to the library, we've only gone once this week which is rare. it's usually at least twice. i thought augustine would be just dying to get into their rad playroom and whoop it up but nope. he walked in and after several minutes of milling around, playing with their puppets he wanted to go home and read books. no protests on my end. i wonder why (by and large) my agoraphobia isn't that strong when we go the library? maybe im channeling maggie's good vibes (best librarian ever!)
i am one of those people who starts making a christmas list in the middle of the year. not so that it becomes a mile long full of over indulgences but rather so that i have plenty of time to edit it and cross things off as i realize that i do or do not in fact truly need it. so far on my list i have a CSA share, sewing machine, and meat. (last year my parents bought us lots of meat and chicken to fill our deep freezer so we had it on hand throughout the year. great and practical idea!) i am determined to do several things by the close of my lifetime - one of which is to learn to sew (and actually make things). i want to start small with a practical and inexpensive machine at first. any of you craftsters please spam me with ideas for machines and what i really need, beginner sewing books, etc.
im also having major problems resisting my urges to buy maggie a million baby things already. eep she's only 6 (7?) weeks along and ive got to stop!
oh and we watched little miss sunshine last night. i smiled that the little girl's name was olive!