Wednesday, July 11, 2007

doneness + lifeness

last week david said he feels our family is complete. i don't know how to process this. i have no feelings either way (but secretly i feel i DO but don't want to be too conflicting with him, who seems resolved). i guess i always felt i would know in the moment that yes, this is IT. the last. the finale. i feel nothing like that towards olive. i mean i don't feel that she is or isn't to be perfectly honest. she is my baby snick snack and nothing more or less. at least a handful of times per day i have a ticker in my head saying last baby. last baby. last baby that will ever be ____ minutes, days, weeks, months old so enjoy it. this makes me immediately drop my cup of tea to it's coaster (who am i kidding, i don't use coasters) and pick her up and breathe deeply into her flubbery goodness. i am a woman who loves to be pregnant, loves to birth, loves to nurse wee babies (and i assume big ones too...), sleep cuddled up with a sleepy headed baby, change diapers, teach, love, and parent little ones. it goes without saying that i believe this profound love will extend to all of the coming stages of my childrens' lives but what i know and feel is that i love the here and now. intuitively i know that somewhere, sometime the parade of sigler pregnancies and thus births and babies must come to a close but i can't help grasp at my love for these things and wish they could never end. truly if i could be pregnant and birth a million times i would. (ok maybe 8-10 or so...) that doesn't mean i want or can handle anywhere near that many CHILDREN though naturally. consideration for various things has to be given. desire for more children, financial issues, my problems with anxiety/agoraphobia, birth order stuff (david doesn't want olive to be a middle child but we both think 4 kids might be pushing it), etc. etc. on down the line. i guess i just desire closure. err.. rather clarity is a better word for it. clarity that will lead me to closure - how about i put it that way? my linea negra is barely visible but still there. a small reminder of what my womb has done for the world. the more if fades the weirder i feel. i think i still have a twinge of non-completion about it all.

peanut butter (with no hydrogenated oils finally...) + strawberries + blueberries sandwich make life worth living today. oh and jesus, babies, husbands who rock, love, family, sunshine, and all that stuff too. furthering my attempts to whittle down my cupboards bare before buying more stuff olive and i made brownies not-from-a-box. my first time making them from scratch, though im not making the icing since im trying to use up what i have. i have everything to make chocolate buttercream icing but darn it if i dont have a tub of the premade stuff staring at me.

this afternoon we went to the library, we've only gone once this week which is rare. it's usually at least twice. i thought augustine would be just dying to get into their rad playroom and whoop it up but nope. he walked in and after several minutes of milling around, playing with their puppets he wanted to go home and read books. no protests on my end. i wonder why (by and large) my agoraphobia isn't that strong when we go the library? maybe im channeling maggie's good vibes (best librarian ever!)

i am one of those people who starts making a christmas list in the middle of the year. not so that it becomes a mile long full of over indulgences but rather so that i have plenty of time to edit it and cross things off as i realize that i do or do not in fact truly need it. so far on my list i have a CSA share, sewing machine, and meat. (last year my parents bought us lots of meat and chicken to fill our deep freezer so we had it on hand throughout the year. great and practical idea!) i am determined to do several things by the close of my lifetime - one of which is to learn to sew (and actually make things). i want to start small with a practical and inexpensive machine at first. any of you craftsters please spam me with ideas for machines and what i really need, beginner sewing books, etc.

im also having major problems resisting my urges to buy maggie a million baby things already. eep she's only 6 (7?) weeks along and ive got to stop!

oh and we watched little miss sunshine last night. i smiled that the little girl's name was olive!

12 comments:

Tammy said...

I'm pregnant with our 2nd at the moment (about 6 weeks to go, give or take), and hubby feels we are done after this one. I have gone through all the exact same thoughts and feelings as you, and am trying to savour this pregnancy just in case it is my last. However, I have agreed to consider being "done" after this baby, and he has agreed to consider having a third. So we're still none the wiser yet as to what size our family will be. All this to say, I could have written your post almost exactly! I know this pregnancy/nursing/babymoon cycle has to end eventually, but I'm only 26, and I'm not ready for it to end yet!

As for sewing, I have no machine recommendations, as I am still using the basic, but wonderful, machine my parents bought me 5 years ago for my 21st birthday. I've made curtains, a couple of baby quilts, toys and done some basic mending, hems etc. No clothes tackled as yet, but I hope to get onto that soon! As far as books, again, I can't recommend this from experience, but I am about to use some birthday money to buy Bend-the-Rules Sewing: The Essential Guide to a Whole New Way to Sew by Amy Karol. You can read another bloggers review of the book here. There's also a Flickr group with photos of finished projects, to give you an idea of what's in the book. Hope that helps!

Oh, I should add, I was greenjellysnake on livejournal, but I don't really use it anymore. I was glad when I did check in to see that you have a blogspot blog too, which I find much easier to keep up with. Anyway, sorry for the novel!

Sarah in Dayton said...

Thanks for blogging today. Prego with our first - after getting over the whole this is an odd feeling with the being moving inside me - I am really trying to enjoy it while I have got it. I plan on doing it a limited amount of times in my life, so savoring it while it is here is an important thing to consider.

Ok, you had to KNOW I would chime in on the sewing machine. If you get a solid basic machine it will last you a lifetime. May I suggest purchasing a Husqvarna viking machine? One of the lower models like a huskystar? I think Stitching Post in Columbus would be the dealer you would go to. I have a fancier model, but 99% of all my sewing is using the basic stitches. Make sure you see what the buttonholes look like - because sooner or later you will want to make one, and if your machine sucks at doing one - well - your day of sewing will suck as well. Plus you get to test drive them all and the husqvarna machines (or the one I have) don't need to be oiled! I hope that helps. If you have any other questions, feel free to drop me a line! I am about to start in on making a baby quilt, the curtains, and some bedding for the crib (once the fabric arrives in the mail). I just finished a maternity sundress for myself. :-)

Sarah in Dayton said...

Oh yeah - if you get a machine from the stitching post, you get all kinds of free classes on how to use it as well....

jenny mae. said...

yes i have always been conscious of the fact that i will only be pregnant and birth and raise babies, etc a limited amount of times but now, faced with the possibility that this might possibly be the last (!!) it feels weirder than i expected.

im so glad you commented about the sewing machine! you are one of the few whom i REALLY wanted advice from! according to the stitching post's website there is one inside joann fabrics down the street from me! whoot whoot!

how much would you spend on a quality basic machine?

Sarah said...

Jenny, both my mother and I swear by Kenmore machines. They are excellent quality, last long, and a good price. It's Sears brand. Highly recommend them. and one that is NOT computerized, because if that breaks down it will cost you an arm and leg to repair.

Last babies... I know exactly what you mean. I think we are going to have one more, but I find myself doing the same thing with Elyas; "oh, I must get a picture of this at this stage, because, what if he's my last? What if I forget all about how drool runs down my arm?" it is such a surreal feeling to think about. I definitely do not feel done, but Ali could be done now and be happy about it. I do think you should discuss with David (though you probably have) your reluctance to consider Olive your last. even to just get it out there and say it to him, may let go of the feeling and you can rejoice in your family of 4.

Sarah in Dayton said...

I would say $200 is a good start. I know lots of people who get their start on a $99 one - but then buy another more expensive machine later... so might as well spend a little more and get one that feels solid. I have had computerized machines for the last twenty years, and I started on a mechanical when I was 6... well I broke a gear on the mechanical one (I used it a lot....), and if it is a cheap machine, the repair will cost more than the machine is worth. I have had NO issues with my computerized machines. While the controls are computerized, the insides are all mechanical. If you take care of it and keep it clean, you can have YEARS of uninterrupted service.
I am so excited for you! I couldn't live without a sewing machine. Sometimes I don't use it for weeks at a time, but then I sit down and fire it up and WEEEEEE..... custom creations are mine! Whatever brand you end up getting, it will be fun. Let me know if you have more questions, especially if you go and test drive some and you think they are feeding you crap, or want to check how much you may actually use the curli-cue stitch with the flowers (once, when you first get the machine and you want to try them all out)- because for only a few dollars more... you can get the one with a hundred different stitches... ;-)

jenny mae. said...

so many sarahs!!

ok sarah from seattle -
thanks for the tip about it not being computerized. ive never thought of that but it seems so true! what advantages could i be missing out on by having a noncomputerized one by the way?

i think if not KNOW one of the main reasons i obsessively blog is because i dont want to forget the sacred every day stuff with my children. i want to have a record of their life outside of what my (failing...) memory can hold.

apparently david read this entry and was put off that i felt he was resolved. so here and now for the record we are not set on just two. but at this second in time he feels complete. not saying he won't feel differently later you know?



sarah from dayton -
how did you learn to sew? any books? keep in mind ive got some issues with getting out and about regularly so classes would be less preferred (but not out of the question) than a book.

Sarah in Dayton said...

Both of my grandmothers sew. My one fave grandmother who passed away sewed all of her own clothes and lots of things for me and my sister. She made me want to sew things too! My mom knew how to sew and I had her show me how to use the machine. I bought a pattern and off I went. I didn't read a book back then - Mom just got me lots of inexpensive fabric for all the junk I ended up making. I never took a class.
Since you love the library, I say check out everything that looks interesting, buy a pattern for a handbag or an apron, or something else that is easy and tickles your fancy with no zippers {Amy Butler patterns are really neat and pretty easy), don't spend a lot on your first fabric, and start sewing. Don't expect the first thing to be wonderful. Then look back at the books and turn back in everything that will now seem frivolous or over explained. The one that you end up referring to a lot will be the one that you need to buy. A lot of people I know swear by the reader's digest sewing guide. I don't personally own it, but I probably should. My current favorite books are all about getting the perfect fit, and reference guides. I actually own more knitting books than sewing books. :-D although i do more sewing than knitting...
I find sewing books a lot like gardening books. Once you have actually dug a hole in the dirt, planted something, and watched it grow, you have moved beyond gardening 101 and want something with more bite and less fluff. There is a whole genre of sewing books out there now that have a lot of fluff - with titles like "You are a cool, crafty, hip girl and this book will teach you how to make cool, crafty, hip things..." Make your own decision about them, but I felt much cooler and hipper with a book that will last years and I will still look at when I am sixty and need to remind myself how to do a hong kong finish on a seam.
Sorry, that was long.... :-)This is very exciting! I should be sewing right now...

jenny mae. said...

did i ever tell you that david knows amy butler's husband pretty well? im always begging him to get me in good with her but it would be uncool i think since it is a business relationship mostly.

Alia said...

Remember how I said LAST one? We want a third now. Jonah is just growing up way too fast, and my husband is addicted to kissing his babies and smelling their "milk breath."

tisfortara said...

I remember your livejournal from when you just got pregnant with Augustine I was still in that baby-mood after having my first in 2/2003. Then we though three years was perfect and had my second, another boy in 3/2006. Then to my surprise we found out we were pregnant again in 8/2006.

At my eight week ultrasound the tech remarked how she was glad I was laying down and if she wanted me to hold the baby (no stroller here) and I said I'm okay just tell me (thinking the worst) - TWO she said.

So this March, exactly one year and two weeks later I had two more boys.
Four is a lot. I had to have them by csection baby a was transverse the entire time so while I was wide open I had them tie my tubes (all my husband has to do is breathe on me and I get pregnant).
So I know where you are coming from - my womb is just THERE now - and even though we really can't afford five I just feel different when I can be this baby maker.
But then I hear a baby and think - Thank God sometimes.

I'm glad I bumped into your blog. With excitement I'm going to start blogging again.

jenny mae. said...

alia - baby milk breath is so so wonderful!! it's like sweet condensed milk i think.


tisfortara -
i think 4 could seem overwhelming to anyone, but having multiples (baby multiples at that!) would be much more grounds for feeling that way. all in all the only thing both of us can say is "time will tell".