so i need some prayer. im a big ball of anxiety and have been for about a week now. my greatest fear is that my anxiety will inhibit my children from living a normal life. i know that sounds silly but i dont want them viewing me or themselves differently or in a negative way because i've got these panic attacks that plague my life. i think it has to do with him going off to school, which to me is sort of like the introduction of augustine to "the world" in some ways. that doesnt make sense but im just talking (typing?) out loud here. i feel silly even saying these things because i KNOW they don't make sense. for some reason i logic that if i can get augustine up and off to school i have "succeeded" in something, and conversely if i have panic attacks when i take him/pick him up (like i did on wednesday) that i'm some failure at what to everyone else is a totally normal little thing. the worst of my panic attacks these days are always centered around a situation which meets the following criteria: i have to go there consistently. if i do not go there consistently there will be negative consequences. there will be consequences for other people. i have to go there alone. oh wait! that sounds JUST like this situation! the cycle goes like this - i freak out for several weeks every time i have to go to said place. i take ativan not only every time i go but throughout the week. then i sort of get used to it and normalize to a level of acceptance (but it always includes a sense of foreboding, even if it is a happy place like church, friends homes, etc). the third facet to this is that ive got no health insurance and im freaking the heck out thinking about running out of ativan and not being able to afford to refill it without insurance, which would be between $100-$200. i think this is why i went to bed and slept 12 hours last night. just utter adrenal burn out from being "on" so long for the past week.
ETA: oh and david is leaving on sunday to drive to philly for work. i am stressing even more about this as i'll have a lot more solo stuff to do (like church, small group, etc) DO NOT WANT