being an adult, ahem a responsible, adjusted, compassionate, Doing adult is a process. a process in weaning from this onto That, downgrading and upgrading, attacking ones pitiful state to create something better. it is saying yes to hard things when my lazy self would rather say no and saying no to things that my impulsive, appetite-driven self would love to say yes to.
one thing i have learned in the last year is to be careful what you pray for. seriously. when you pray for your heart to be radically changed, to adopt a spirit of servanthood and humility, you will be asked to do things - lots and lots of things! - that you do not want to do and/or are scared to death of. it is in this fear that comes such growth. over and over i've been terrified to step out and do what i think is right, what i think is necessary, what i am called to do (all the while being reminded lovingly that hey, this is what i asked for wasn't it?) my mom always says that loving God is like those old Nestea commercials where the person does "the plunge" and just steps backwards out into space and is engulfed upon impact. logic and history show me that loving, knowledgeable, capable arms will always be there but my human feet struggle to put one in front of the other and just DO IT. give up your job to volunteer, rejoice in My name in the midst of your sorrow, cast out fear, restore your relationship with so and so, give away your possessions, sell your home, give up your addiction, take in an orphan, engage the hurt around you. inviting change sounds good and well but the process can be excruciating. what we really want is to wave a magic wand over our situation and POOF we are restored, our finances are in order, our marriage is saved, we got that promotion, etc.
here is what i really want. i want the greenest grass to be the one growing right under my own two feet. i want healing, nurturing relationships and i want to be a healing and nurturing person to every person i come in contact with. i want to stop being satisfied with the monochrome tone of my circle of friends. i want to never lose my shock and compassion for the least, last, and lost. i want the love of Christ to be the only banner i fly, the only knee i bow to, the encompassing subject of my heart and mind, the constant name on my lips.
this is my manifesto