pulling back

i'm going through a hardcore season of agoraphobia. i hate these when they come but oh, they always return. i'm having to take an ativan just to pick up augustine from school (which takes oh, >5 minutes?) and another when i go to church. IF i go to church. yesterday i just sat in the back gripping onto a chair trying not to claw the inside of my hand, trying suppress the internal shouts to flee. last week i made it as far as the door then milled around outside until finally i just gave up and walked home, flung myself onto the bed, and cried. i am dutifully following doctors orders and taking half as much ativan at a time (.25 mg), but taking it more liberally. at this point i taking half a tab 3-4 times per week, and if i took one every time i felt i *needed* it, surely it would be more. even the most routine interactions outside the house, neighbors stopping by, going for walks with the dog, ANYTHING and i get that i-am-going-to-have-diarrhea feeling. (aren't you so glad you tune into my life?) but life doesn't stop so neither can i. i've got two kids to raise up and have them interact with the world so i can't just curl up in a ball and cry.

so please forgive me if i disconnect, dear friends, lest i ex/implode.