Tuesday, June 08, 2010

gardening within the contours of the land

this is a conversation i had with augustine at 4 am this morning

shouting from the hallway: MAAAAAAM!
me bolting awake: what honey?
augustine tearfully: there's something in my nose and it's distracting me from sleeping!!
me: okay let's go into the bathroom and figure it out
we walk into the bathroom and instantly he says: NEVERMIND! GOODNIGHT!

so i was awake from then on because im an insomniac and it takes me at least an hour to get back to sleep from even the smallest disturbance. if only i could drink coffee without it putting me into a coma...

so there's this nice phrase that my pastor says every now and then, ive said it here before: Garden within the contours of the land. love that phrase and yet i don't walk it out. i mean i can apply it to ACTUAL gardening but to life, not so much. i want so badly to stop despairing about my anxiety problems. i want to accept my limitations and work within them instead of trying the opposite, trying to be "like everyone else" and then getting emotionally run over when it goes awry. if i could only look at my issues with a more logical mind, but alas, not possible. my logic tells me that if someone with diabetes doesn't change their life to conform to a diabetic-friendly one they will see significantly unhealthy results. dot dot dot, jenny. but no, i can't seem to reprogram myself like that and accept that this isn't something that i can just up and change about myself. last night i, rather foolishly, attempted to get a small amount of groceries by myself knowing i was a) having a hard day already b) knowing that that particular setting was triggering to me* c) trying to go alone and d) without taking a bit of ativan. so color me surprised when i started having heart palpitations and sweating in the dairy section and i ran wildly to the self-check out area on the verge of tears. feeling extremely deflated and shaky i rushed home, fell into bed to watch a movie, and generally felt defeated.

*this is embarrassing to explain but i have a very specific ritual to try to wean myself out of fear and it almost always works. the ritual being in place to desensitize myself to a place or situation in which i previously have had a panic attack. first step is to return to the place having already taken some ativan (and if the episode was particularly bad, take david with me). in the case of this grocery store i avoid the actual spot of the panic attack (if there was one specific area involved). step two would be something like, take half an ativan, go alone, and linger specifically in the triggering area (possibly take david if need be). third step, take no ativan and go to the triggering place alone. now granted these steps rarely take just one go in order for me to move onto the next one but yesterday's attempt was utterly foolish as this was the first time i'd been back to the store since the initial aggravation. granted i didn't go to the aisle i had the panic attack in but still, it was ridiculous of me to expect to just walk in with no effect. also, having back to back panic attacks in a certain situation is disastrous for recovery

see what i mean about gardening within the contour of the land? i am just trying to plow right through the mountain and not working with it, no matter how much i find that mountain a pain in my tuckas. pray that i might learn this friends.


Jenni, Jon, Benji and Lexi Clifton said...

I feel ya. I try the "this is just the anxiety" talk, but then it takes over anyway. One day at a time.

dwk said...

Jenny, I understand this so well. It's almost like I wrote it! You will find a way. Stay strong, sweetie!