sorry

public apologies for not updating much these days. i dont remember being this tired when i was pregnant with augustine. but then again i didnt have a toddler to keep up with either. pretty much ive been hybernating in my bed during nap time as much as possible. the heat certainly is adding its own frustrations to the mix too, especially when it comes to the inevitable nausea. i keep saying this but its so true, im firmly convinced that it's only called morning sickness to convince more people to continue the species because there is nothing MORNING about it. david says its only called that because i always start the morning gagging on my toothbrush.

we went to my parents house this weekend. david went to a Reds game with my dad's church + my oldest brother josh. i schlepped around the house with my mom and auggie before venturing into town to visit the farmers market for red potatos, cantelope, and tri-colored ears of corn. mmm.. we also went to the weeping willow store which had all a pregnant mother of a toddler could want. Robeez, bunnies by the bay, and endless doug and melissa wooden toys. my mom bought some birdie Robeez!! auggie sat down in front of this toy piano at the store and jammed -- so it looks like he has made his christmas wishes known. im beginning to think my kid has too many wooden toys (if that is possible). after all that, i choked down some vegetable soup and went back to my parents house and took the greatest nap. really for the past week it's almost as if i cant make it through the day without at least a two hour nap or i get irritable.

we try to live pretty natural, so i say this full of hypocricy; we are planning to find out what we are having this time. there are a million ways my crunchiness can be shot full of holes don't worry your pretty little head about that. since we have decided to do such i am actually getting really excited about it. i mean im still like 30 seconds pregnant (>7 weeks) but its fun to think that just before halloween we will know what we are having. sidebar: my intuition/dreams say girl already.

i feel i have the capacity to teach a boy to respect a woman, but i fear i dont have it within me to teach a girl to respect herself. at least maybe not how i deeply want to. my biggest issue with girls these days (gesh i sound utterly old saying that) is a total lack of modesty. nothing screams insecure-with-daddy-issues like a woman who feels an intense need to show the world herself intimately. i dont want that to raise a girl who feels she has to do that to find worth. oh reviving ophelia i must get you out of my old book stash from attempting to mend my own mother and i's relationship so long ago... i dont know why i tremble at the thought of raising a daughter. i have a good self esteem and outlook on life, positive family support, wonderful husband and partner, no major issues that might work to my detriment, etc. and yet still my hands quake. you are in effect raising someone's mother. im not downplaying the wonder of men in any way - i just feel women have a harder road for the most part. more proned to self destruction and pitfalls. i just feel it is such a tremendous responsibility.


God grant me the grace to willingly accept any and all crosses you lay before me and on my meager shoulders. give me a spine of steel that i might not bow to anything of this world.