Saturday, February 09, 2008

beatrix clementine baxter

for those of you who have not heard, maggie and austin (david and i's most dear friends) lost their baby on thursday. there were multiple anomalies in play but foremost was a very large head that was unable to pass through the birth canal. it appears as if she had some genetic disorder that manifested in hydrocephalus. beatrix clementine baxter passed away yesterday somewhere in route between their home and riverside hospital in the ambulance. her passing would have occurred whether she were born in a hospital or at home, by csection or vaginally. she just was not meant for this world

today was the heaviest day of my life. one of those rare days when all you can muster is the strength to simply put one foot in front of the other to stop yourself from collapsing into a heap in the corner. i held maggie and cried as we laid on her bed in the hospital. i am without words, without a spark to help illuminate this deep darkness. i met, held, prayed over, and kissed Beatrix today. it broke me into pieces. beyond pieces. it broke me into dust fragments that got sucked out the window into oblivion. i held her in my arms and broke down, but many prayerful arms held us all up and together. im so blessed to have such friendships. when they brought Beatrix in the head nurse said something to the effect that it was customary to "do this" two visitors at a time. at this point around 20 people were in the room. our friend rachel simply said "but this is not how we do this. we do life together." and the nurse nodded and the chaplin brought her in. we wrapped our arms around each other, as if to suffocate and squeeze the pain right out of our hearts. later we arrived home and i fell into bed at 4 pm, exhausted but mostly unable to even process even one more second of life. maggie & austin are so faithful, so amazing, and they have done nothing but remain that way. while this is not about me, i feel that this very much is a personal death. maggie is more than my best friend, she is my sister. God is faithful, God is merciful, God can heal. please God be faithful. please God be merciful. please please God heal...

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is where your vision becomes real. Perhaps it is a message that must be passed unto them during this hard time.

" 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight"

jenny mae. said...

we cried together and knew that is what the vision meant. i should have mentioned that, given glory to God for making His face known through all of this. Truly He is there, nearer than we know. but it hurts so so much.

saltycanvas said...

Jenny,
I guess you could say that I am a closet reader of your blog. Let me introduce myself, my name is Laura and I am 20 years old. I live in New Brunswick, Canada for university (but my home province is Nova Scotia).
You are an inspirational woman, and I have no doubts that God would not hand you something he did not think you could handle. Through your blogs, you have proven to be a strong, faithful, special (and very eco-friendly) mother, wife, daughter, and friend.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

Laura

rachaeldear said...

:(
the one encouraging thing i felt led to say is that maggie will now be able to relate to other women who have lost children, in ways that most of us cannot.

Anonymous said...

My relationship with God has been on shaky ground for many years, but after reading this post I felt compelled to pray for your dear friends family and today I woke up and have decided to take my children to church for the first time. I just felt compelled to write and let you know that though the life of this little baby may have been cut too short, her birth has made me contemplate the true fragility of both our own and our children's existences. For me, a person who never would have met her, her life has and forever will, hold true meaning. My thoughts are with you at this time and thank you.

wyckhurst said...

Oh I am so sorry. Your words are beautiful, I pray for strength and comfort for all of you. Much love.

jenny mae. said...

thank you laura & rachael & suzanne, encouraging words help us all get through this!

anonymous, im so happy that you are possibly beginning on a new spiritual path back to God. we all know deep down that somehow God will be glorified through this tragedy.

Anonymous said...

I am also a closet reader of your blog. Your words have slowly helped me to accept God into my life again. Thank you. May Beatrice rest in peace.

jenny mae. said...

Praise His name!

Anonymous said...

I read this after being directed to it from Karen James. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I don't know that I've ever read grief so clearly described as I did here.

I only met Maggie one time. We got to sit and talk about - gosh, all sorts of things. And just like everyone says...there is just nothing but good things to say about her. It must be true, based on how much people truly love her.

As terrible as all this is, it's equally as wonderful to read about so much love and support. When Karen told me about what your friend said - about doing life together - well, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. It's amazing what God has given your group of friends.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that my family is praying for, well, everyone. Austin and Maggie and everyone who loves them.

I read the next blog down as well, and was struck by that verse, in light of the proceeding events. God is so faithful and so big and so wonderful to help us even before we know we are going to need help.

Jeney

Alia said...

I dont know what to say... other than I'm praying for you all.

timecankill said...

Jenny, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you and your friend's loss.
You have all been in my thoughts.

chelsea said...

hi jenny.. i met you on sunday. i took care of olive in the nursery. i was wondering if you could get me the baxter's address?
my email address is chelsea at christopherkay dot com
thanks so much.
chelsea

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.