well that sucked.

well that sucked. i spent 19 of the last 24 hours in bed having mt brains ripped apart with a migraine. do. not. want. i've had migraines since i was in middle school and they never get any easier. i would probably not want to do it less than natural childbirth but not by much. i spent 2-3 hours barfing, then another 10 crying, moaning, changing positions every few minutes, generally wanting to pull the sides of my head apart to relieve the pressure in my head. there is nothing worse than having a migraine and vomiting. that pressure added? GET OUT. i haven't gotten sick with my migraines since i was in high school so this one was a doozy. i'm just that lucky! i was out with friends and as soon as my feet hit the pavement to go into the restaurant i started getting an aura (vision disturbance which looks like what happens when you see a bright light). i knew i had about 20 minutes before things were going to get bad so thankfully they drove me home quick-like. sadly too much time had gone by to make my imitrex work effectively so onward the 19 hours i marched.

my good friend chelsea babysat olive and got augustine from the bus. i had no sense of time at all so at one point i my puke bowl felt full and i just needed david. so i called him and told him to come home after picking up the kids from chelsea's. turns out it was 4:50 PM when i called. apparently i had gotten in bed somewhere around 1 PM. the kids each came in and tenderly loved on me and then i rolled over again and went back to sweating and knotting my hands around my skull. sometime that evening david came in and i could see straight. he emptied my vomit bowl and got me a pear and slices of cheese and tried to get me to eat. the cheese was so good i almost cried. he's such a good guy slopping my puke bucket around and getting me snacks.

we watched tv in the dark for an hour or two and then i went dark again, awaking this morning at 7:30 to get augustine on the bus. i still felt only about 65% but after breakfast i felt a little better. later, upon my lovely friend karen's suggestion i took another imitrex to knock out the remainder of the migraine. so i took another and fell asleep while olive was at school. that did the trick and i am restored, praise Jesus.

i was very happy to be feeling somewhat better by today because i didn't want to miss breakfast with maggie on beatrix's 4th birthday. it was good seeing everyone and sharing food. i hope we get together for her birthday every year and remember her.

beatrix, a year later

when peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrow like sea billows roll,
whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say
it is well. it is well with my soul

this day, the anniversary of beatrix's death, did not creep up quietly. not that i expected it to i suppose. i don't know what to say really. what can you? i remember sitting in church this past sunday, next to my friend michelle who recently endured the miscarriage of one of her twins. worship time is the time i feel most raw about what happened last february. it is the time that makes me most reflect on seriously how utterly incapable i am of pulling myself together without God. we were singing You Are Good and it was so hard to form the words "you are good. you are good. and your love endures". i know it is true but today will forever be marked by a voice that is hoarse in praise. to sit next to michelle, to think of beatrix and the grief of maggie and austin and profess that God's love goes on and on and on - it was just a difficult but necessary truth to sing.

i can think of no title worthy of this

this year has been a hard one on my heart. at the beginning of the year i dubbed 2008 "the year of treating others responsibly" but my heart will forever observe it as "the year of childless parents & parentless children". every sunday during worship especially, i find the memory of what happened in february rip open the stitches ive tried so hard to bind up. i get red faced and my breath shallow singing blessed be the name of the lord, and have yet to make it through it since february with all words being audible and hot tears coming down my face. last week? maybe the week before jeff preached briefly about how essential worship is to our souls. that even if we don't feel it, we must because it is transformative in it's power. ive never known that before this year. if i wasn't feeling it i just didn't get into it, stood there arms crossed and frowning waiting for the "real" part of the service to get going. but now i see that the wounds need to be reopened and for me, that happens when i revisit the hurt through surrendering during worship. i've got to keep taking it back to the feet of jesus and saying i don't know what to do with this pain. it's yours. your will be done.

i hope someone releases balloons at my funeral someday

green the church

while aug was at gymnastics camp today (9-12) i went to a local farm and bought 10 lbs of sour cherries, pitted, cleaned, and right off the truck from michigan. it isn't local per se but it is local-esque. plus for some reason i feel the best cherries come from michigan, though i have no proof of such inkling. im going to make preserves, a pie, and dry some because if you have been on my friends list for any length of time you will know i greatly desire to pretty much live off of dried cherries.

i keep trying new bread recipes. the first one was only white in the recipe so i did half whole wheat/half white AP flour and it was excellent but a little dense. maybe next time ill just add more yeast? i've heard good things about dough enhancers. bandwagon here i come! today im trying out a rolled oat bread that if successful ill add to my food blog. ill update this with photos when it is done.

and now for some random photos


two of my three favorite people


beet on the brat. beet on the brat. beet on the brat with a baseball bat.


at the fountains at easton


we love our brains


good morning olive


& last but certainly not least michelle and i went to sharon woods park to see the new memorial bench there in beatrix's name. it was heavy times

!!!

!!! MY BROTHER JASON AND HIS WIFE KAREN ARE PREGNANT !!! after 4 long and i suspect heartbreaking years of trying they are due in early january! last night we all went out to celebrate mothers day with my two brothers & their wives, david and our fambly, and my parents. i gave my mom a lame box of chocolates, josh gave her uhhh something i can't remember, and jason gave her a big picture frame with three pictures in it. the first was of auggie, the second of olive (their only two grandchildren), and the third was a piece of paper that said "due in january". this is where i kicked out my chair and screamed and jumped up and down and hugged them, we all did. when i turned around the whole restaurant was looking at the table of lunatics that were hooting and hollering but who would care at a moment like that?!

so now that the Big News is out there let me back up and talk about the weekend a little. saturday night there was a small break in the weather so i worked myself ragged planting the garden. these arms are not meant to swing a pick ax for 2 hours, nope nope nope. but i did get everything planted and that was my goal. i also lined all but two of the paths between the rows with straw for weed control. hopefully the rest i can actually remember to bring and use the newspaper under the straw for even more weed control but well, im forgetful and i wasn't about to get back in the car and drive home for a stack of newspapers especially with our excess of straw for such a task. by the end of the night i had broken my trowel and was covered in mud and sweat but it was wonderful to have some quiet time to myself. gardening is the most relaxing thing next to sleep for this gal. i certainly don't mind it being a group activity but i get more out of it if it is just me and the earth.

i came home from gardening and plopped myself on the couch with some meatloaf i had shoved into the oven as i was heading out, so david didn't have to make dinner and looked around and thought "hmm... this room feels different somehow." and when i looked around i saw my mothers day present. david listens to me once in a while :) i've been talking for oh, maybe 3 years about wanting to get some interesting lamp shades. score!

despite sunday's joyful news for me the day was very middle of the road, neither great nor awful. i woke up intuiting that God would make me sing Blessed Be the Name of the Lord during church, a song that of all days i didn't know i could sing because of it's reference in my heart to beatrix. of course we did and i had tears streaming down my face and i choked and sputtered and couldn't sing but a few lines. it was appropriate for mother's day (for me at least, even though the song itself probably didn't feel that way to anyone else). i can't seem to get through that song ever without crying and thinking of her. i called austin (who was/is beatrix's father) that night and we talked a bit about it, it felt good to talk to him and not just bottle it all up like im tempted to do. sometimes i feel kind of stupid feeling so emotional over the loss when it wasn't my own child. that doesn't ring true in my mind or heart but every once in a while i fall prey to that feeling of self consciousness over my involvement. i didn't get to wish maggie a happy mothers day and i feel even more awful.

also my mother in law, father in law, and davids grandpa came over on sunday as well. i made some lasagna & david made a big delicious salad. topped off the meal with some scrumptious peanut butter, chocolate, banana pie.

dirt, Lost, emotional, and potato explosion

monday-tuesday were warmish days and we spent several hours outside playing. when i went in to check on olive i came out to find augustine sniffling and looking scared, ankle deep in sucking mud in the garden. i couldnt help but laugh a little. after pulling him out and determining that his shoes were thrashed beyond repair we embarked on an adventure the following day, to get new shoes. i really dislike the mall as it is equal parts tempting and repulsive to me. still, in the winter with a toddler an indoor playground is the jam. i always get sucked in to buying something from starbucks. i can't help it! ok i can but it is a consistent indulgence of mine which has developed (and strong!) in just the last few months. it's the double chocolate chip frappuchino that enslaves me. mmm... if only somehow i could work dried cherries into the drink i would be in paradise. though the actual application of said cherries would probably render it weird at the very least. still, ive never met something that wasnt enhanced by cherries and chocolate. just like ive never met a baked potato with too much sour cream on it. it just isn't scientifically possible i believe. anyways we i settled on these converse. i have a strong dislike for clothing or shoes with any sort of character or store name on them. my son opposes me on this and constantly wants to pick out things with lightening mcqueen or woody from toy story, thomas the train, etc. the occasional well-loved charcter clothing item is just fine but it just isn't our thing to have much if any of them around. while we were at the mall a guy was cooing over olive and said "you are so cute! the only thing that would make you cuter would be pierced ears!" and i was pretty grossed out. nothing says white trash to me like babies with pierced ears. sorry if that offends anyone! this is me being uber-children's rights about what happens to their bodies, as usual

i love Lost and if you do too, i commend you on your good taste. actually i believe it was referenced by our pastor at church sunday, further confirmation that indeed we are in the right church. (okay kidding, but maybe just a little.) i feel a bit like a drug addict with it's tantalizing story lines, every week i jones for thursday evening something fierce. it isn't uncommon for the first words out of david and i's mouths thursday mornings are - Lost tonight! still, thursdays in my mind have a new defining moment. the same thing happens every week for the last month. we watch Lost and ooh and ahh over it together on the couch and when the show concludes and next weeks previews are over i have the same thoughts every single week. that at this moment one month ago i got the call from austin about beatrix. 10:06 pm. i have forgotten this association every week for the last four weeks until the 10:06 pm happens, it's sort of odd. i remember thinking as i climbed the stairs to retrieve the phone from it's cradle that it was probably my dad calling to muse about the latest plot twist. if only...

we are supposed to get up to a FOOT of snow today. dang this works to our advantage though since, because we are moving, we are in "eat everything in the house/don't get groceries" mode. dang you kroger with your "buy 5 lbs of potatoes get 5 lbs free" deal! it took me a week to creatively devour 5 lbs and now i have 5 more to go! so far i've made mashed potatoes, french fries, baked potatoes, hashed browns for breakfast, shepherd's pie (has mashed potatoes on top), and right now veggie soup is in the crock pot. potato explosion at the sigler's house!!

blessed be the name of the Lord

i am feeling such a gamete of emotions. yesterday was the memorial service for beatrix and i braced myself for it the entire week. i've been trying to call maggie every day but i feel so conflicted about how it might be received, im sure im being paranoid. (which is also weird because i know she's probably going to read this.) i dont want to overwhelm her, because there is a blessed parade of supporters trying to comfort and support them daily coming to the house. i want to be whatever she (they) needs. so do i call and "get right to the point" and ask how her day was? or do i try a distraction approach and talk about stuff, because no doubt that is the topic of every conversation, card, phone call, email, IM, etc. some days i simply talk with austin & i dont think he realizes what a comfort to me he is being. just knowing that he is weathering the storm with my best friend in the world, and knowing what a Godly, passionately-in-love-with-maggie man he is helps me to sleep at night. i made it through the memorial with the help of an ativan, a handkerchief soaked through by services end, and my husbands strong hand on mine throughout. the entire service i gripped the program as if someone was about to snatch it from my bloodless hands. no conscious relaxation technique would end that iron grip. i couldn't open it. couldnt bear to read the words austin had written on the inside until the wee hours of the night when i was alone laying on the couch.

Dear Loved Ones,

We love our Beatrix Clementine. She was so special. And we will never, ever forget her. Her life has already had so much meaning and purpose. While we only got to enjoy her for a little while, we got to enjoy her nonetheless. She was a gift. She was never ours to keep, even if she had lived to be 100, she would have only been a gift that our generous Father allowed us to cherish and enjoy. We are not bitter. We are not disillusioned. We are grateful. We are thankful.

We are thankful for every moment of Maggie's pregnancy, and the joy and anticipation we felt, and the way that drew us closer together. We are thankful for Maggie's labor, and how easy it went, and how much fun we had during the birthing process. But at the same time, we have been hurt. It hasn't all been good. In fact, losing Beatrix has been the most terrible thing to have ever happened to us. Yet we have already seen so many wonderful things come from this sad time.

We are blessed that this has drawn Maggie and I closer together. And we are blessed that the words of Christ have come true that, "by this all will know you are my disciples, if you love one another." So we thank you for loving us, serving us, and praying for us. We are glad that God has been honored because of our response to this tragedy, and we pray that people can see that it is the risen Christ in us that allows us to see with such clarity. We also pray that we will always find ourselves in Him as we continue to grieve.


-- Austin and Maggie Baxter

clarity indeed.

the service was as comforting as it could have been. julia pickerell was amazing, truly ordained to speak the truth that we all needed to be reminded of. that beatrix was the fulfillment of God's purpose for her, that through her God is being glorified, and that she is safe in Jesus's arms now. all of God's creation speaks of Him, glorifies Him, is made by and for His Glory and that is as much as we can hope to be comforted by. this road will be long. this road will be dark. this road will be hard. i continually pray that encouragement will come into maggie & austin's life in indescribable ways and illuminate that darkness even if momentarily. part of doing life together is grieving together and i feel we have all been in no short supply of that. neither i nor anyone else can pick up this cross from their heavy shoulders and that pains me.

we sang two songs at the memorial that i thought my break me. it is well with my soul and then blessed be the name of the Lord. i keep listening to the latter on repeat. over and over. over and over. i need it to drill into the depths of my heart. when i walk through the wilderness. blessed be your name. when the darkness closes in, still i will say blessed be the name of the Lord... you give and take away. you give and take away. what struck me about that song, and i had never heard this before, surely it was God revealing a tiny bit more of Himself to me, is the phrase within that song that "my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name". not "my heart will want to say..." or "my heart feels like saying..."

CHOOSES.

to steal a phrase from an excellent book of the same title, i feel i am walking in the dark night of the soul. my arms are made of lead right now, i am struggling to praise His name because i do not feel like rejoicing. i am joyless, sucked dry, and hearsick beyond words. and yet... and yet i still have to say it. the Lord is good! bless His name forever! He does give and take away. sometimes love is a choice, there are some seasons in our life and walk where the foundation of our faith must take over our emotions. our hands still need to grasp His, in fact now more than ever! maggie said that she couldnt face the future without Jesus. (amen on my part as well) one day all will be revealed and our tattered hearts will be renewed.

trying is all i can do

. . . Seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy over all his works.
--Jacob 4:10

like never before it has been growing in me that i am not in control of my life. that does not imply that my life is out of control, far from it, rather that *i* am not the one in control. this month has brought me to my knees both literally and metaphorically. i don't understand these feelings swelling inside of me but i have never experienced grief like this, not even at the passing of a family member. i was alone in the kitchen a few days ago baking some muffins, listening to some music on the ipod. it is well with my soul came on and my first response was to turn it off saying i can't listen to that. i can't say that. not now. not ever. i sank to my knees and wept into a towel for quite a long time. while i am by no means going through a spiritual crisis on a foundational level, it is difficult to raise my hand in praise right now. you can line up as many dominos as you want but at the end of the day (actually throughout the day too) God controls whether those plans play out or not. it is a difficult lesson that i am only beginning to digest.

i make futile attempts to fade out, even if temporarily. a trip to the grocery store, mindlessly putting together a puzzle or doing a suduko, laying on the couch and plugging into my ipod, parking my car at the snowy park and reading a book for a few minutes - all of these are just devices. you can't live in a book or song or recipe, nor should i try to. austin recently cautioned me against living in a state of numbness. it isn't biblical, it isn't how the Lord wants us to exist. so while He knows our pain and His grace affords us certain liberties to simply survive the impact, He also doesn't want us to wallow or just curl up in a ball and not get back up. not that there is any expectation to get back to "normal", nor am i or anyone else in the blast zone even trying to go there. but i am growing, that is all i know. growing in intense and meaningful ways that will build a stronger version of my current self that will somehow be used to further the Kingdom.

there is naturally an accompanying feeling of utter helplessness. helpless to control the world, helpless to take away my most dear friends' grief

tomorrow is the memorial service for beatrix

beatrix clementine baxter

for those of you who have not heard, maggie and austin (david and i's most dear friends) lost their baby on thursday. there were multiple anomalies in play but foremost was a very large head that was unable to pass through the birth canal. it appears as if she had some genetic disorder that manifested in hydrocephalus. beatrix clementine baxter passed away yesterday somewhere in route between their home and riverside hospital in the ambulance. her passing would have occurred whether she were born in a hospital or at home, by csection or vaginally. she just was not meant for this world

today was the heaviest day of my life. one of those rare days when all you can muster is the strength to simply put one foot in front of the other to stop yourself from collapsing into a heap in the corner. i held maggie and cried as we laid on her bed in the hospital. i am without words, without a spark to help illuminate this deep darkness. i met, held, prayed over, and kissed Beatrix today. it broke me into pieces. beyond pieces. it broke me into dust fragments that got sucked out the window into oblivion. i held her in my arms and broke down, but many prayerful arms held us all up and together. im so blessed to have such friendships. when they brought Beatrix in the head nurse said something to the effect that it was customary to "do this" two visitors at a time. at this point around 20 people were in the room. our friend rachel simply said "but this is not how we do this. we do life together." and the nurse nodded and the chaplin brought her in. we wrapped our arms around each other, as if to suffocate and squeeze the pain right out of our hearts. later we arrived home and i fell into bed at 4 pm, exhausted but mostly unable to even process even one more second of life. maggie & austin are so faithful, so amazing, and they have done nothing but remain that way. while this is not about me, i feel that this very much is a personal death. maggie is more than my best friend, she is my sister. God is faithful, God is merciful, God can heal. please God be faithful. please God be merciful. please please God heal...