. . . Seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy over all his works.
like never before it has been growing in me that i am not in control of my life. that does not imply that my life is out of control, far from it, rather that *i* am not the one in control. this month has brought me to my knees both literally and metaphorically. i don't understand these feelings swelling inside of me but i have never experienced grief like this, not even at the passing of a family member. i was alone in the kitchen a few days ago baking some muffins, listening to some music on the ipod. it is well with my soul came on and my first response was to turn it off saying i can't listen to that. i can't say that. not now. not ever. i sank to my knees and wept into a towel for quite a long time. while i am by no means going through a spiritual crisis on a foundational level, it is difficult to raise my hand in praise right now. you can line up as many dominos as you want but at the end of the day (actually throughout the day too) God controls whether those plans play out or not. it is a difficult lesson that i am only beginning to digest.
i make futile attempts to fade out, even if temporarily. a trip to the grocery store, mindlessly putting together a puzzle or doing a suduko, laying on the couch and plugging into my ipod, parking my car at the snowy park and reading a book for a few minutes - all of these are just devices. you can't live in a book or song or recipe, nor should i try to. austin recently cautioned me against living in a state of numbness. it isn't biblical, it isn't how the Lord wants us to exist. so while He knows our pain and His grace affords us certain liberties to simply survive the impact, He also doesn't want us to wallow or just curl up in a ball and not get back up. not that there is any expectation to get back to "normal", nor am i or anyone else in the blast zone even trying to go there. but i am growing, that is all i know. growing in intense and meaningful ways that will build a stronger version of my current self that will somehow be used to further the Kingdom.
there is naturally an accompanying feeling of utter helplessness. helpless to control the world, helpless to take away my most dear friends' grief
tomorrow is the memorial service for beatrix