Monday, September 08, 2008

oh life.

oh life.

maggie and i had planned a girls night out last night and OH MY GOSH did i need it. see, my life is too busy and fragmented for any Real Time to sit down and dissect my thoughts on renee's death. i reference it all day but time to stew in the gravity of the situation, no. so my chest contains a bowling ball and my throat a knot that has no time to come undone and release the emotion and grief i feel towards the loss of my friend. i gave that girl some of the hardest years of my life but, and im just being real here, an addict is an addict and my presence was just one of many that were simply enabling her. the if you don't give me $__ they're going to turn off my lights/impound my car/evict me, etc. quickly followed by oops i snorted/drank/shot/smoked it routine had to stop and only one person in that equation had the power to make it cease. me. do i regret it? i can't. do i have many levels of guilt about our relationship/drug use/how i no longer helped her. yes. would i do it again? YES. at least the cessation of money flowing to her that is. this isn't about me (her death) but it is certainly one of the more important stories im going to share with my children about how they need to act. any action outside the will of the Lord and you can't imagine what link in the chain you are part of. did my recreational drug use in high school with renee kill her? of course not! but again, a link in a chain that in all likelihood greatly contributed to her death.

by the way, it was not a drug overdose and now that i know that i'm going to keep saying it over and over and over. i think we are to believe that it was a seizure that lead to heart failure. she had been part of a program that included many many drug tests and she passed every one for a year. im proud of her. im also frustrated at her. it's like, and im being gut honest here, i feel as though if i see her body im going to grasp onto her and wail and then sock her in the face and scream WHY!? the funeral is in west virginia (don't ask me why it's 3+ hrs away from her hometown!) and i am begging, pleading, and praying that i can find a sitter for the kids for the day.

so as i said above, maggie and i had a much needed girl's night out. it was actually only the second time since i heard about renee's death that i cried. we sat in their driveway until 1 am talking about nothing and everything and i just couldn't be more blessed in a friend than with her.

this year needs to just end now. for real 2008, make like a tree and leave. it has been simultaneously invigorating to be part of so much with church and community but i've just been so hurt by all of this death! i've been to 4 funerals this year and i feel like i just need to hibernate to recoup. but again my life is too busy to stop. diapers need washed, children need bathed, the garden needs weeded, events need planned.

and by the way thank you so so much for the outpouring of support. continue to pray peace and comfort for her family


alia said...

Jenny, I completely understand.

And with a sister AND a cousin... it is a LOT harder to stop enabling family--but it is pretty much what you have to do. And they are either going to eventually come to their senses, or destroy themselves (and the people close to them).

It is a really helpless feeling.

Sorry you are experienceing what was once my biggest nightmare. :( I'm glad to hear it wasn't an overdose...but you will probably always wonder how her prior use contributed to her general health. The body does not get out of heavy drug use unscathed... Meth triggered my cousin's epilepsy. :(

Fig Tree Cottage said...

Hi Jenny

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss - I understand a lot of the guilt you must feel.

Sorry if you're not in a place to get a comment from a complete stranger, I just felt I needed to reach out. I first came across your blog when researching home birth and I drop by your blog from time to time because we have so many things in common and it's nice to feel that there are kindred spirits out there in the big wide world.

I wish you all the strength of your faith to get through the rest of this year - you are in my prayers


Nicole D said...

More prayers from this side of blog world. I am so happy to hear that she was getting 'on track' - that makes it seem almost more sad, less understandable, more infuriating... I am so sorry. So so sorry. All prayers and hugs and wishes that I could snap my fingers and be there to watch your kiddos for you to be able to make the trek there!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

I will pray for her, her family, and yours.

God will give you a way to get to her funeral.