i wear too many hats. these hats are unavoidable though so i've got to just keep on keepin on as they say. again i channel my father's voice to JUST DO IT and "other people have had it worse". i can accept that fully but that doesnt mean i don't struggle in my own life, in my own head keeping it all together. and trust me, it's never all together.
trying to be a breadmaker, an entertainer of children, a book consumer, a gardener, trying to start a non-profit organization, a stay at home wife and mother, a church-engager, a friend, a foe, really tired a lot of times, a baker, a nose wiper, nursing a toddler, a hand holder, trying to do my paid work at the same time as my house work, an activist, a consumer of much tea and coffee, a bike rider, a co-op patron, a believer in something i can't quite articulate, a cook, battling with health insurance, a sister, a daughter, a chauffeur, a compulsive blogger, trying to balance an internal dialog with an external expression always, praying more, stretched thin.
i feel like i can't give anything my full attention, because everything needs done, like yesterday. i can only wear so many hats before my head gets heavy. the kids sit in front of the tv too much while i have to work. if they dont, and i send them off to just play i get interrupted every 1.8 seconds
and like, i can wrap it in ha-has right now but in the moment i want to scream because it never ends. the bread needs made and while it's rising i'd better get the chicken out to thaw for dinner and oh, while im downstairs getting that from the deep freezer i should throw in a load of whites since i'll be right there. then ill put on a video while i try to get a few reports typed up but oh! olive needs a drink refill then oh! augustine spilled his crackers or oh! they kids are fighting over the rocking horse. then i wind up getting 2 reports finished before the end of the video because of all of the interruptions and do i put on another video? send them upstairs and gate the stairs so they can't come down? if i do this they get into the bathroom and the toilet paper is through every room, my clock radio is turned on while they dance and they somehow reset the alarm/time every single time. and then oh! then i feel guilty for needing them, no Needing them to just leave me alone so i can get my work that i HAVE to do done. then wash, rinse, repeat. it's not always that way but it is a lot lot more than i want.
we were talking about this at our small group on monday, sort of how we feel like we're all too busy to spend quality time with the Lord and im pretty sure i said "let's call a spade a spade. it's idolatry!" and a collective OUCH went through the room. but it is. what i need to do and what i want to do so i can be x, y, or z susie homemaker/provider/quiet revolutionary is very different most times. i need to take all of my days events, lay them at Jesus's feet and say "ok, you prioritize these for me and ill do it" this is the heart of what losing your life and finding it again in the Lord is all about. just letting go of YOU and embracing the fact that, and if you've lived any significant amount of time i know you're going to be shocked here, we mess up our own lives! we are messy messy folks, not capable of balancing it all in an ideal way. remember those awesome bumper stickers circa 2000 that said "God is my co-pilot"? those are so wholly unbiblical in my opinion. shouldn't we try to be God's co-pilot? i.e. putting him in the driver seat and putting us in the passenger seat. heck not even there. how about God is the pilot and i'm in the back seat taking a nap because i'm so utterly ill equipped to run this show.
ETA: seriously not minutes after i wrote this, the kids are happily playing upstairs in their room. glory!!