Sunday, April 26, 2009

i dont want to talk about it

the first garden club meeting of the season was tonight. i got a friend to speak about square foot gardening and we hosted it at a new-to-our-church family's home who had a boatload of square foot boxes that everyone could look at. conversation was lively and we exchanged plants and whatnot. i took home pockets full of onion starters to store and plant next year and some leeks. everything else we already had or i wasnt interested in (cauliflower - blech!)

after the meeting i drove past a plot of land that has for the past half year been pulling at my heart and dreams. it's a sliver of land too small for a house that was up for sale for i believe $5k. my friend jared and i have talked about both buying it together, donating it to the church and letting it be a church community garden or something. oh my heart soars at the prospect of living and working together to cultivate like that. every so often i drive past the land and just sort of nod at it and take a piece of my dream and drop it on the earth more and more and then keep on driving. today i drove by and it had obviously been sold. and the people were using it for a garden. and instead of being happy i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and i nearly burst into tears. like someone had stolen my silent dream from me, something ive been praying about for so long with such intensity. i haven't stopped reeling about it since. i an intensely jealous and feeling letdown. yes i open my life to an evolving dream of happiness, sustenance, and provision - i must - but i am also very human and so i feel as if i am a deflated balloon, flaccid in the corner amongst the dust bunnies. God give me a new vision. Sustain in me what is worthy of your kingdom. Grow in me that which i am afraid to cultivate.

7 comments:

melanie jennifer said...

Jenny, I hope this comes out right... but the first thing I thought while reading this post is that your thoughts, energy and prayer for the little track of land to become a garden didn't go to waste!

Maybe by you silently hoping and praying allowed someone else to fullfil their dream. I believe that we never know how the Lord takes our prayers but it is obvious to me that the Lord has heard yours.

You have helped a complete stranger and that is an amazing thing!!

And yes I realize that may not make you feel any better because you are not the one that gets to help the garden grow but I just wanted to put my 2 cents in.

jenny mae. said...

i know my frustration and disappointment will quickly turn to joy, it always does. but yeah, im down in the dumps a little. i agree with you whole heartedly that no prayer is wasted.

Anonymous said...

how petty and selfish of you. I am truly shocked.

Dinah said...

i'm really upset with the said comment before mine.

excuse yourself for being human!

i'm shocked at the person who posted that.

who are they to judge?

jenny mae. said...

im pretty sure they are just a troll trying to kick up a fight.

mg said...

you are right that would have been amazing. A great prayer for our church community to have a piece of land like that. I understand your disappointment. I would feel the same way. Thank you for being open and honest about your feelings. On a side note: Anyone who has to post anonymously just really sound not be thought about. It is the thing we are taught as children. If you can't say it to someones face then you should not say it at all!

Thank you for all that you do for our community!

Sara G

jenny mae. said...

sara - new post coming soon about updates on this endeavor!