frank warren said "sometimes when we think we are keeping a secret, that secret is actually keeping us." i've had one of those following me around for over 10 yrs. one that was so painful that i had never accessed it until recently.
in as little detail as i can go into and still communicate this, there was a rape incident that happened to me in high school. i'd never even told my own husband this! two thursdays ago, i was written a script for a new medication to try and basically it triggered a series of memories about all of this. early last week i made an emergency appointment with a psychologist where i was diagnosed as having post traumatic stress disorder, instructed to cut the dose way down (i am now taking 1/4 of the originally prescribed strength), and given a series of relaxation techniques to take home and practice.
i've talked and cried and exploded and imploded at length with great friends and david. all that i'm going through is both power and destruction. the healer and the sword bearer. i feel strange and overwhelmed but hopeful that once i am over this intense serotonin dump i will feel a bit better (much much better? but im too afraid to be too hopeful).
the standard dose from celexa i gather is at least 20 mg. well if i take that dose i have out of control panic attacks, the strangest body sensation (like my whole body is tingling? it makes me want to jump out of my skin), insomnia/restless sleep, jaw clenching, nausea, and no appetite. did i mention no appetite? i've lost a good 10 pounds, which clearly i am not able to spare. the second night i took the medicine i cut it in half to 10 mg. it was better but the nights, oh the nights. i clutch at david's chest, wake up freaking out every 30 minutes (?), i feel so panicked i feel overwhelmed. so yesterday i cut it once again, down to 5 mg. it was the first night i've not gone to bed with a rigid body, tears streaming down my face, begging david just to sit next to me and not fall asleep. i still grasped onto his arm and still woke up a lot but my mind was clearer, more able to process things logically. and my body did not feel as if it was being shocked awake or jarred by painful memories/sensations.
my friend come over every day to sit with me (the mornings are especially hard). i SO FEAR being alone with the kids and having one of these epic "episodes" that i experience every night with david. the body locking up, the fists pumping onto the couch, the overwhelming sensation ripping through my core. when i feel that, it reminds me of the lord of the rings when frodo says "i can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. instead i'm naked in the dark. there's nothing. no veil between me and the wheel of fire!" i cannot work myself out of that state enough to remember good or happy or peace.
today was my second appointment with my psychologist. i've been using one of her calming techniques with good success (snapping mys wrist with a rubber band at the onset of a panicked thought and meditating on some happy memory) but another, listening to relaxation tapes, caused me to freak out. i felt my mind was too vulnerable while listening to them and it triggered memories of being in an altered and thus vulnerable state of mind and being violated. i feel like i dont have a lot left over to take care of my kids. they aren't being neglected but i fear being alone with them because, what if i am incapacitated?
there's so much to say but i am so tired from not eating and sleeping that i don't think i can condense it all in one entry. i feel grateful and full of love but also tormented by these horrible memories and scars. im alive but not really living that well. the crushing weight of it all gets to me, especially when i am alone or in the middle of the night when i wake up and david is asleep. i can't do all that much because i have no energy from not eating. my friends have been so faithful in shoving food down my throat.
as painful and scary as this is, im glad. it is a consequence of the christian life to ask for examination, to ask God to pull back the curtain and shine a light into the areas of darkness. the only way to get over this is to go through this.
A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
- Isaiah 42:3
augustine and i are so alike. so alike that i am fearful of unleashing the truth and gravity of what i am going through onto him. we sat up one night and talked about what is going on (because he surely knows something is up by the constant visitors and mom laying in bed crying.) i explained what a panic attack was (but skipped why i had them or the post traumatic stress-talk) and that it was nothing that HE needed to be afraid of but that it is possible that i could have one in front of him and told him what that would look like. he wanted to know why i never slept with him anymore (because on occasion one of us will lay down with one or both of them, sometimes overnight). i told him it was because i had lots of trouble at night sleeping and that daddy helped me calm down and stop having panic attacks and i wanted to be near him. i said i didn't ever want to have one in front of him because i didn't want to make him afraid of what was going on in my heart. he said he could never be afraid of my heart. i said i didn't want to scare him. he said i could never scare him and that he loved me.
love is helping me remember the taste of food, the sound of water, and the touch of grass