what would it look like if i accepted my inabilities and instead focused on my abilities? that doesn't mean submitting to my anxiety attacks, but i think i am unbalanced in how i deal with them. see, every year or so i have good periods and bad at usually about an 80/20 ratio. what i am coming to believe is that what i perceive as being the good times, are in actuality just me stuffing my feelings and issues away which results in the present predicament i'm faced with, the infrequent but intense periods of anxiety attacks. so my theory is that if i was more balanced in how i live - meaning accepting my limits and not trying to "muscle my way" through my life trying to act as if i do not have anxiety attacks or feel plagued by agoraphobia - that my overall levels would be much improved. that would mean asking for help with triggering situations (taking the children to school, etc.) and in general being more upfront that i have limits on what i can attend or do. i feel a bit like winnie the pooh over here going think, think, think. i am admittedly a bit afraid to undertake such an experiment. it doesn't seem like the right time (but what time WOULD? a: none) and admitting that i have a limitation up front and to everyone would feel embarrassing. see what i want most out of myself is to go unnoticed. (uhh says the person with tattoos and large holes in her ears...) what i mean is to not make a spectacle of myself with my issues. i want to live a quiet, happy life of love and service to God and my friends. what more could i want for? anxiety attacks do not fit in that and for the last 10 yrs i've been trying to suffocate and smoke that problem right outta my psyche.
(and see how well it's working!?)
pretty much the best compliment i can tell a person is that i am chained up with my agoraphobia and anxious tendencies. if i confide that in you it means i trust you & you are welcomed in this messy life. but to confide also means i am giving up the charade, that i am admitting that i cannot suffocate and smoke it out, that at times it has it's boot on my neck. nothing displays what a control freak i am like trying to submit to this out of control feeling. david and i were driving home from my brother and sister-in-laws home this past weekend. when merging from one highway to another near downtown columbus a car in front of us was nearly standing still which caused david to have to SLAM on his brakes sending us all askew on the pavement. the resulting feeling is pretty on par with a panic attack. except i might be simply sitting next to you on the couch or pushing a cart in the grocery store. it's how you feel when a police officer pulls behind you and turns on it's lights. even though you intellectually know you were simply speeding (or equivalent benign behavior) your body reacts as if you are about to get killed. david assures me that my body gives away little of the rumbling inside but good grief do i feel like a big billboard for freak-outs when im in the middle of it.
what i want is to stop bemoaning the fact that i am not emotionally on par with most people. that in itself it is no different than having some other disability. if i were in a wheelchair would i keep trying to orient my life as if i wasn't? NO. you can't quit rehabilitation but you've got to make some concessions. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THOSE CHANGES and it's been 10 yrs! & if im honest i'm scared to try because i don't know what that would mean. i do not like being a person that anyone has to "make arrangements for". that is not part of the quiet life. also: jeff cannell my awesome pastor wrote: "I can't God can" and that is going to be my mantra if i do this.
so let's review: the biggest compliments i can give a person are NOT attending a special function of theirs (because it means i really wanted to go!) and telling you i have panic attacks. see? messy life.