bluer skies

i dont write enough about how amazing our neighborhood is, specifically our neighbors. clintonville is a mix of democrats and hippies pretty much. we used to live in north clintonville and it had a slightly different vibe than central clintonville. there, a friendly nod to a neighbor was common but here people stop on your lawn, fawn over your dog, and get all up in your daily life. (but in a good way) just yesterday a neighbor, whom i have probably talked to 4? 5? times walked over and invited olive over for a playdate. she was babysitting a 3 yr old who didn't know anyone there and wanted some company. i hesitated because well, you know what's going on in my life. she said "better yet! let me take olive and we can play in our backyard and you can hang out here and do whatever!" SOLD! they have the most amazing backyard with a huge tree swing, trampoline, big wooden swing set, deck that spreads out over the ravine, etc. it was so helpful to have 25 minutes to myself to sweep and put away dishes, fold some laundry, and have little stuff picked up what my tazmanian devil of a child kicks up from every crevasse of the house.

my friend chelsea came over to do laundry and my amazing neighbor aaron had the day off and he bought us an incredible lunch from Ying's Tea House and Yum Yum (aka my favorite dumplings in the world). AND he works as a server at the cheesecake factory and brought over not one, not two, but THREE cheesecake desserts for the three of us to nom on. also, have i mentioned that aaron read on my facebook that i had a panic attack at the bus stop last week and decided to get up early (he has to be to work at 10:30) and walk down there with me? SO SWEET! ps. he is gay so none of the above mentioned has an ulterior motive :)

so aaron and i have been walking to the bus stop every morning together since tuesday. it has been so helpful and amazing and relaxed compared to the one day that i did it on my own and lost my composure. i think next week i will try to wean off of that and go it solo. i NEED to do this. today was a great day on the getting-out-of-the-house front. david convinced me to try to get to the farmers market but i laid in bed and stared out the window trying to generate a long list of convincing arguments about why i "can't" go. yeah he just grabbed me and said yeah you're going. deep breath in, deep breath out and we made it there. i felt NOTHING (as compared to Something) and i felt so excited! i felt like i was on a roll and asked where else we could go. see, when you've only left your house a handful of times in two months it's kind of liberating to get out and not only feed good but feel a tremendous amount of confidence about your ability to handle it. so we went to the bank. IN the bank, not through the drive-thru! then to what would previously been a disaster -- GIANT EAGLE. this is where i've had tons of problems and as you can imagine, nothing happened! i even went down a few aisles that were previously triggering to me all by myself! and when we were checking out i marched right up to the check-out line that i had a very bad panic attack in two trips ago. N O T H I N G

also, i started on 20 mg of celexa last night. it was not without some struggle (to take it) and side effect but overall i am feeling good about it. i took 10 mg in the morning and 10 mg at night. once i get into a pattern where i can take the whole 20 mg together i plan to FINALLY get in to see my psychiatrist and see what he feels is the right dose for me. it's taken me 7-8 weeks to get to the baseline dose but well, that's just how my body works and processes so whatever, right? i woke up at 4 am to my neighbors tv blaring (yeah for sharing a half double!) and i felt slightly high, somewhat dizzy and disoriented. but i was able to push away the mounting anxiety. i recognized what i was feeling and where the irrational fear was taking me but did not let it create a domino effect to spiral me into a panic attack. gosh i feel really proud of myself and grateful for this medication! i still feel a little dizzy and high today but again, i am just rolling with it. it is not causing me to freak out or shut down. it is very slight, like taking a tiny bit too much cold medicine but even that a month ago would have triggered a bad episode.

here's hoping for bluer skies every day!