addict

today was nutso around here. i got augustine off to school then came back and lounged with olive. at 10 i remembered that there was an ecstatic dance class i wanted to take olive to so i rushed around, threw food in her hand, and ran out the door. this wound me all up but i put one foot in front of the other and made myself calm down and not back down in the face of panic. it was so wonderful hanging out with my good friend michelle and the dance class was fun and it was only $3! so i rushed back home and olive said she was hungry AGAIN. now that she is well she is ravenously hungry. for breakfast she had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of turkey bacon, half of a bagel with cream cheese, an apple, and a glass of water. seriously. then we went to the class and she begged two granola bars off of michelle then wanted lunch when we got home! she definitely has lost a pound or two in the last week with all the stomach and intestinal problems she's had. i gave her a bath two days ago and she looked so lean, it made me sad.

i was a little wound up from going out to the dance class and the friend/s who usually pick olive up for school were nowhere to be found and weren't answering their cell phones. so i threw olive in the car and took her myself (the first time i've done this). i felt okay, again just put one foot in front of the other. i kept the mantra that my doctor taught me (anxiety is a FEELING not an event) rolling through my head like a ticker tape and i was again fine. when i picked her up i was so amped up from leaving the house not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in one day (hi, agoraphobic remember?) that i ate and ate and ate halloween candy until i had a wicked hypoglycemic crash and fell asleep. the next thing i know, augustine is standing next to me nudging me asking why i wasn't on the porch when he got home from school. he walks half a block from the bus stop to our home but i am always on the porch to greet him. whoops.

the older i get the more of an emotional eater i become. i am very quick to not let a calming technique escalate into a full blown compulsion. thus far in my anxious life if something feels calming (i.e. sleeping, medicating, hand tapping, simply leaving an overwhelming situation, never facing a trigger alone, etc.) i will repeat and repeat and repeat that habit in the hopes that it will be my key to freedom. but a ritual isn't peace, it is only a numbing technique and now that i've decided to engage instead of numb, i've got to be quick on my emotional toes so i don't fall into bad habits. bad in this case meaning, any ritual that is only meant to pacify and not uproot pain and heal from it. if it is not edifying in a long term sense, i don't want to do it. i do not struggle with under or overeating but today, i ate my emotions and that makes me feel awful. in many senses i am an addict. an untraditional one of course, but an addict to numbing tension is an addict nonetheless.