Tuesday, October 19, 2010
meds and not-meds
when last we left off in the drama of working through finding the right dose of celexa, i was self-prescribing 25 mg. that afternoon i called my doctor and he wrote me a script for 40 mg, which i have since been able to wean myself up to. every little bump fills me with terror because i am scared of feeling "high". that inescapable feeling that is so triggering/suffocating. my other fear, which i am here and now acknowledging to be irrational, is that although this medication initially helps calm my anxious chatter in my mind, it is only temporary and will eventually stop working. so far that has kind of been the pattern. i will start with a dose and after the 1-3 day semi-high feeling dissipates, i feel rejuvenated and hopeful and confident to tackle the world. after 1-2 weeks the medicine stops being as effective and i bump it a little higher. now, rationale tells me that 20 mg is the absolute baseline dose so i shouldn't put too much stock in all of my issues being tied up with the minimum, but well, a girl can hope. i am on day 3 of 40 mg and things are going really well. truth is, even when the medication looses it's effectiveness things are still going well.
marriage is great, the kids are great, my friendships are great, my family is great, i love my neighbors, and sleeping at night, and the weather is idyllic in the way that only fall can be in ohio. expanding on what i said in my last entry about acceptance, im coming to accept my emotional limitations. i used to get seriously down on myself that i couldn't do x, y, or z like "normal people" and yes, it will always be my hearts desire to rid myself of panic attacks, phobias, and agoraphobia but you know what? it doesn't change anything really. or at least i won't let it anymore. big whoop i don't like going to the grocery store alone. who cares if i can't attend a party? my physical and social boundaries are finite, but my emotional and spiritual capacity to love is infinite. i can connect with people and God and things that bring me and others joy perfectly well thank ya very much. it bothers me that i can't be and do what i perceive everyone else can but i'm working towards it not getting me down, not making it a boundary. my home can be one of peace and love and my community of friends, mutually edifying all outside of my panic attacks and internal poopiness. and if that is true? i'm pretty free -- meds working or not. i used to think it was ironic and sad/funny that God gave the burden of anxiety attacks to someone like me, who is cheerful and outgoing and loves people. i focused only on the barrier of trauma between myself and them, which was pretty depressing. but i'm more readily surveying the tools and talents i have and working within them.
i made it to a pumpkin patch this week, but missed my second important wedding. i made it to a going away party for my friend ryan, but i didn't make it to the grocery store alone. but my kids and i shared lots of laughs and discussions about space or making jelly (grape! my first time and it is fantastic!) or something else unimportant/important. david and i both can never get tired of each other and last night we just stood like two giraffes with our necks intertwined, hands at our sides in exhaustion when we finally saw each other after a lonnnng work day. i don't get out that much, but there is a nearly constant influx of neighbors, friends, and family popping by spontaneously or planned for dinner or a laugh or to borrow this or talk about that. my home is warm and even when my head is swarmed with nervous chatter and phobic thoughts i still feel good here.