reaping what i'm planting

yesterday i went to the library for the first time by myself. (i love how nothing can motivate me like a good book waiting on reserve.) in the last few months typically david has gone with me or at least took me there but waited in the car. i've stopped feeling foolish about this and just accepted it. i also realize that my habit of pushing myself too hard for so long was in many ways limiting the love people can show me. being vulnerable and even weak is a good opportunity for others to love and support and i've seen that more clearly in recent days than ever before. i really wanted to get mockingjay from the library. i've been waiting for this book to come out for months and months and i was 8 millionth on the waiting list until yesterday. i took a deep breath and grabbed my keys. sat in the car and breathed some more. turned the car on and breathed again. drove there and parked and breathed again. while i was driving i kept thinking of these amazing lyrics that michael gallaugher wrote:

i need strength for today
and hope for tomorrow
i stand in my pain and choose to trust you

this song was written for our friend joe who died just a few weeks ago from cancer. when i hear this song in my head i think of him and his wife jess who would often sit in front of us in church. their arms were always lifted up with tears streaming down their face during worship when michael would sing this. and not that this is some comparative situation my issue with their situation but if joe and jess can face terminal cancer and raise their hands, i can do this too. i can face the pain and submit to the feeling and lay it down. now i might have to KEEP laying it down over and over again. i definitely will have to keep facing it and submitting to it. so the whole time i was driving and the whole time i was in the library the lyrics were like a ticker tape in my head. i stand in my pain and choose to trust you. and i felt waves of calm crash over me. i will not say that this is getting significantly easier but at least the motives behind my terror are more clearly defined. i've removed my shackles of shame and put a name to the trauma so for that i am thankful. hard work is hard.


Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.
-- Psalm 126: 5-6



here's to a good harvest someday!