Monday, July 18, 2011

what a difference a year makes!

today my kids are leaving FOR A WEEK to go hang out with my parents and go to VBS at their church. i am, needless to say totally freaking stoked. plans include: working out more often, canning/preserving summer produce, going to the dog park a lot, working, hanging out with friends, sleeping, and reading. you know, so basically not a lot and that is f-i-n-e by me. tomorrow maggie and i are going on a mini road trip to go shopping and im very excited/nervous!

what i want to really mention in this entry is that the kids leaving for a week means that it has been one year since i had a total PTSD related meltdown. you know, the one where i couldn't get out of bed, lost 20 lbs, cried myself to sleep for a month, and didn't leave the house for 3 months? yeah. that one. i am struck by what a difference a year makes! just this month i went on a women's retreat which i NEVER thought was possible, we are on the brink of stepping into a leadership role at our church by leading a small group, and in general i just feel much more stable in that area of my life. THANK YOU JEEBUS FOR MEDS! this year wouldn't have been possible without the friends who came along side me during that coming-to-terms phase of my life. rachel tolentino, michelle chapin, karen james, maggie baxter, michelle rigsby, aaron knapp & omar el hagmusa (the two best neighbors any person could ever ask for!), and of course my kids the little darlings. it's weird how that whole emotional vomiting spell affected my marriage. i mean we weren't at a bad place per se pre-trauma but since then we've infinitely deepened our trust of one another to just Be Who We Are instead of who we want the other person to see. i feel like i see david more clearly and i really think he feels the same way about me. and thank God we like who those people are! in fact i'd say we love the new people we see in the other more than we loved our hidden selves. the experience of extreme vulnerability that i went through also gave me a new sense of freedom with others outside of my marriage too. i feel more at peace being "messy" (because let's be real we're all messed up!) i can look on myself and others with an honest eye that is more released from judgment than ever before. i am the way i am, you are the way you are & i love myself and i love you.

here's to beginning another year!

1 comment:

a day in the life... said...

I've been a long time reader of your blog, since the lj days, though I don't really comment because I find a lot of your entries to be thought-provoking things that I am best mediating on quietly and to myself.

I am so happy to hear that the past year has been one of healing and becoming more of you. I deal with PSTD and a chronic ailment(migraines, which brings on its own luggage of anxiety and guilt), so I can relate to the dark places that those things may drag you down to. But this also means I am familiar with the extraordinary light that comes on the other side of surviving.

Your post really struck a chord with me today. It reminds me that it's important to be full of love, to love yourself as well as others. Your commitment to practicing kindness while challenging yourself is inspiring and particularly uplifting for me today. Thank you so much for sharing as much as you do.