Wednesday, February 01, 2012

oval v. round

in december i filled my celexa prescription at kroger and i usually fill it at giant eagle. i noticed that the pill was made by another manufacturer and instead of being oval shaped it was round. color me hypochondriac but i really feel that this pill is less effective than the ones i've used where the pills have been oval shaped. that doesn't make a lot of sense i realize but for example, the last two nights i've either woken up disoriented and panicky or i've bad obsessive compulsive thoughts to the point that i couldn't sleep at all. my ocd thoughts are nothing harmful (never have been) but rather a single, repetitive song lyric or phrase that i've recently heard. it is quite stressful thinking literally of nothing but a single phrase for an hour or more. whenever this happens i disconnect from all music until it goes away, put a rubber band back on my wrist and start using it (snapping myself whenever intrusive, repetitive thoughts start happening), and now i use DoTerra oils to help me relax and focus. i put on lavender, frankincense, and deep blue daily and before bed, and i also diffuse them throughout the day too. deep blue and frankincense in particular give me a lot of relief. probably just as much as the rubber band. i'm optimistic i can make it through this little flare up but it's really frustrating! im exhausted because my nights are sleepless (or fitful at best) but if i take a nap during the day when i feel okay, then it exacerbates my sleeplessness at night.

it's rather hard to articulate what a post-ocd/anxiety episode feels like. i feel the same way after i travel and then come home: inexplicably weary, slightly if not fully hungover, prone to tearfulness or crying, emotionally eating, my physical body feels jetlagged and without sleep despite how many hours i've logged. trying to keep on this diet/exercise routine has been hard the last two days. i haven't felt up to full blown bodyrock or running on the treadmill so olive and i have been doing at least one 2 mile walk, and i typically do another when she's at school. so 4 miles walking is better than none at all i guess. so it's kind of a bad cycle. i feel exhausted from being ON all night so i don't want to do a full work out. that exhausted, emotional stat makes me more likely to consume comfort food, which probably isn't great for me. junk food makes me more tired. so far i cheated on my diet only once in that yesterday and had a cup of macaroni and cheese and a nutrigrain bar. not too bad obviously but those are typically things i eat only on the weekends.

i feel like im yawning all day but my mind is racing at least an hour before bed. david went out last night and i started feeling amped up as i was getting in bed to read (10:30). i bolted awake at midnight and had a panic attack, alone in the dark. david was home, somewhere in the house but i just sat there like a stone, unsure what to do with my body to help. gosh that feeling is the worst. afraid to move, afraid to stay still, afraid to just keep existing in my own skin, not knowing what would help or hurt. so you just freeze. freeze and hope that by doing nothing, not moving or thinking it won't make it worse. eventually i calmed enough to move and doused myself with oils, took an ativan, and sat on the side of the bed until i felt composed enough to move to the bathroom.

today my goal is to just keep breathing, focus on every little thing i do with purpose, and just keep on going. !


rachaeldear said...

so weird-- i have the same results on the OVAL pill (generic). I've always had a problem with cycling thoughts, but it's much worse (almost obsessive) on citalopram. and the littlest things wake me up in the middle of the night! so frustrating!

jenny mae. said...

how long have you been on it again? it took me months to get to a plateau!

a day in the life... said...

2 things I learned in IOP therapy that helped me with anxiety/compulsive/obsessive thoughts and worries:

- pace breathing. this is where you inhale and then make the exhale longer. so if you breathe in for the count of 4, then you exhale for at least a count of 5.

- ice cube. which is in line with your rubber band remedy. If I absolutely cannot stop the thoughts or worries, I get an ice cube and hold it in my closed hand. The goal is to hold it until it melts completely but I can never make it that long--the sensation is too intense. but that's exactly the point--one of the most important things I learned in IOP(intensive outpatient therapy) is that the intensity of the distress tolerance skill has to match the intensity of the worry/thoughts/crisis experience.

good luck...i hope this rough patch passes quickly for you.

meridith said...

i don't think you are a hypochondriac at all to think one generic vs another could be different. i have one prescription that the dr says absolutely no way can i take the generic version because it is so different. can you switch back when you refill or talk to your dr or pharmacist?

rachaeldear said...

ugh, i have been on it about a month and i'm not sure it's helping... not feeling like i sleep enough, not feeling any improvement in mood. i kind of hope i have the same experience as you because i dont feel like i have the energy to change to something else!

jenny mae. said...

@rachael, it took me quite a while to get into a good rhythm of it. i'd give it a few months before ditching it. im bias but it's the only med i've ever taken that helps much so i want you to give it a good whack.

@mer, im almost done with this refill so i think ill just let it go and just never go back to kroger for this refill. and if i see this generic somehow make it into my bag ill say something then.

@ditl i've never done pace breathing! that sounds like it would be a good trick to keep up my sleeve when things are bad. i hate that in the moment it's so difficult to recall techniques that i know work. i just freeze up!

decaf said...

my doc has actually told me that different generics can be not only different from the brand, but also from each other. she even specifically mentioned celexa. if i remember correctly, she really like the teva brand, but not most others. if you don't think it feels right, definitely trust yourself and switch back to the other pharmacy next time. isn't it weird how drugs that are supposedly regulated are so different? argh. good luck!

jenny mae. said...

@decaf i definitely won't be going back to fill my prescription at kroger. nothing against them of course but they use the generic that obviously isn't right for my body. this is my first experience with generic drugs being so vastly different from the name brand! im kind of shocked!