in december i filled my celexa prescription at kroger and i usually fill it at giant eagle. i noticed that the pill was made by another manufacturer and instead of being oval shaped it was round. color me hypochondriac but i really feel that this pill is less effective than the ones i've used where the pills have been oval shaped. that doesn't make a lot of sense i realize but for example, the last two nights i've either woken up disoriented and panicky or i've bad obsessive compulsive thoughts to the point that i couldn't sleep at all. my ocd thoughts are nothing harmful (never have been) but rather a single, repetitive song lyric or phrase that i've recently heard. it is quite stressful thinking literally of nothing but a single phrase for an hour or more. whenever this happens i disconnect from all music until it goes away, put a rubber band back on my wrist and start using it (snapping myself whenever intrusive, repetitive thoughts start happening), and now i use DoTerra oils to help me relax and focus. i put on lavender, frankincense, and deep blue daily and before bed, and i also diffuse them throughout the day too. deep blue and frankincense in particular give me a lot of relief. probably just as much as the rubber band. i'm optimistic i can make it through this little flare up but it's really frustrating! im exhausted because my nights are sleepless (or fitful at best) but if i take a nap during the day when i feel okay, then it exacerbates my sleeplessness at night.
it's rather hard to articulate what a post-ocd/anxiety episode feels like. i feel the same way after i travel and then come home: inexplicably weary, slightly if not fully hungover, prone to tearfulness or crying, emotionally eating, my physical body feels jetlagged and without sleep despite how many hours i've logged. trying to keep on this diet/exercise routine has been hard the last two days. i haven't felt up to full blown bodyrock or running on the treadmill so olive and i have been doing at least one 2 mile walk, and i typically do another when she's at school. so 4 miles walking is better than none at all i guess. so it's kind of a bad cycle. i feel exhausted from being ON all night so i don't want to do a full work out. that exhausted, emotional stat makes me more likely to consume comfort food, which probably isn't great for me. junk food makes me more tired. so far i cheated on my diet only once in that yesterday and had a cup of macaroni and cheese and a nutrigrain bar. not too bad obviously but those are typically things i eat only on the weekends.
i feel like im yawning all day but my mind is racing at least an hour before bed. david went out last night and i started feeling amped up as i was getting in bed to read (10:30). i bolted awake at midnight and had a panic attack, alone in the dark. david was home, somewhere in the house but i just sat there like a stone, unsure what to do with my body to help. gosh that feeling is the worst. afraid to move, afraid to stay still, afraid to just keep existing in my own skin, not knowing what would help or hurt. so you just freeze. freeze and hope that by doing nothing, not moving or thinking it won't make it worse. eventually i calmed enough to move and doused myself with oils, took an ativan, and sat on the side of the bed until i felt composed enough to move to the bathroom.
today my goal is to just keep breathing, focus on every little thing i do with purpose, and just keep on going. !