im starting to feel the familiar anxiety about having a baby creep upon me. see when you're like me (meaning one who has chronic anxiety/attacks/agoraphobia) no anxiety is "normal" nor can it be chalked up to a logical situational reason. instead my mind makes up worse case scenarios as usual and i go off on tangents and it builds one upon the other until im crying to david about it - like tonight. christmas eve i had my first actual panic attack in about a year. which is saying a TON about my recovery. i still have chronic anxiety but rarely does it manifest into a big blow out anymore. so instead of looking at the many many months of good, my brain (or the Devil) goes into this overcompensating damage control, life-assessment mode and i start fixating on what happened. anyone in my position (meaning nearing the end of pregnancy) would naturally feel some normal level of fear - about the birth itself, having a new baby, and all the life shifting that will happen. but my brain (or Devil, again) just won't let me logic it away. for about 5 minutes today i was convinced i was slipping back into my hell hole that i found myself in about four or five years ago where i couldnt leave the house AT ALL for months at a time. it is my greatest fear to return to that place again. again though logic tells me that every year the anxiety gets a little bit less and the attacks become a little less frequent.
i remember this same fear with augustines pregnancy. fear of being vulnerable while in pain, fears of birth attendants bolting and leaving me alone, anxiety that my ongoing struggles will be a source of shame, frustration, or even divorce for our family. i still deeply feel ashamed when i feel anxious or have panic attacks. gesh im getting so personal here. the point is that i dont know how to have NORMAL fears in situations without feeling ashamed and trying to cover it up. yeah, that accomplishes a lot, Jenny! im thankful that i have a partner who will listen and let me bawl my eyes out whenever i need to about anything. he doesnt always know what to say but just being there and continuing to show up goes a long way with me. im just in a weird mood right now and tomorrow im sure ill feel right as rain.
moving on. watch this adorable video of david and augustine horsing around before bath/bed the other night.
oh and here's my belly at 28 weeks today.