went to the library today. usually this is a big pain in the rumpus because im usually carrying a billion books and videos and trying to corral a nearly two year old at the same time. lots of running away usually ensues. today he was pretty much a saint. a little girl took a shine to him (she was an older lady of about 3) and did that classic im-going-to-annoy-you-to-pay-attention-t
after we left we went to get groceries, which being 7 months pregnant i dread. i could definitely wait for david to get home from work and then the three of us go together but the man works so hard and when i feel up to getting them i do. and yet every time i come home from the store i about collapse when i'm done putting everything away. between pushing a heavy cart, lifting groceries in and out of the car, a 30 lbs. toddler, and oh yeah a pregnant belly - im beat. today i had to stop half way through and take a 30 minute break. i made it a point to put away anything that needed refrigeration or put in the freezer first. the spaghetti sauce can wait know what i mean?
then of course i notice we are out of wood and more needs brought in for the fire *cries*
i had horrid dreams last night about unspeakable things happening to olive in my womb. then later another unspeakable horror about augustine. i woke up sweating, just had to run into his room and stroke his back for a few minutes and tell him how much i loved him. ive prayed all day for olive to be incredibly active in my belly. i need to feel her today. sometimes my mother-river rushes this way. i cant stop it. i think all mamas (and to a lesser but significant degree, papas too) are plagued with their own curse about worrying for their child/ren. mine always has been through dreams. its odd because i dont even have a large imagination i feel. normal/average at best. and yet the despicable things that enter my dreams sometimes would chill you to the bone. i cannot count how many times after augustine was born i found myself weeping next to his crib after a violent dream of someone hurting him. worse than any horror movie ive ever seen thats for sure. this is the cross i bear i suppose. my entire life ive had peculiar dreams, i guess i shouldnt expect them to be any different now. but during that post-birth period especially, i felt like i was almost being attacked in some spiritual warfare sort of way. it was exhausting.