how my heart behaves

big things are a' brewing at the sigler house.

last week david expressed interest in going back to school to pursue mechanical engineering. this degree would suit him incredibly well and in general i feel it would fulfill him more on a professional level. it's one of those things where he feels that if only he could go back in time, he wouldn't have gotten his photography degree and would from the get-go gotten one in engineering. but until they come up with a time machine this is what he is stuck with. we crunched numbers and if i got a part time job ($200/wk) we still couldn't afford to send him there full time with all of the hours he would no doubt have to miss while attending class. we live very frugally and outside of bills-we-must-pay-to-maintain-our-electricity, etc. our living expenses are only $400.

david is the type who, when he wants to do something, wants to and will do it to the fullest of his ability. (graduated top in his class while pursuing his commercial photography degree) he is the least impulsive, least emotional, and therefore most logical person i know. in no way do i feel he would disrespect our family, himself, or me by suggesting something selfish - he just isn't that type of man. in fact he is the opposite of that and would probably give and give and give (almost in a typical woman/mother fashion) i say all of that to lead into the big suggestion and big news - we are selling our home and moving in with my parents to pave the way for a less financially stressful path for david to go attend school. when this was first brought up internally i freaked and thought there's NO way i am giving up my house! there's no way i am living with my parents!! but then i read something that hit me right between the eyes a la my friend kristin. she was talking about eve and how in the Garden, God called her a "help meet" (genesis 2:18). meaning one who helps her husband. my jaw hung slack, my eyes bugged. by no means do i feel that this isn't meant to be a reciprocal relationship in that way within christian marriage (all marriage.) but it is specifically spelled out that a woman is to "help meet" her husband's dreams. do i do that? probably, but on the more meager matters. i couldn't have felt more divinely inspired. i knew what i had to do and no matter what my head said, my heart had been spoken to. so i had a good cry about it but now i'm okay. a house is just a frame, a home is in your heart and we can set that up anywhere we go.

we are going to sit down with my parents and have a serrrrious discussion, wherein we shall address all of the things that would potentially sour this situation, define the expectations of everyone, and just get more specific about the details. im pretty sure we would live there at least 2 1/2 years until david graduated and im also sure they wouldn't charge us any rent. (sidebar: we are thinking david should probably get a job at wild oats, whole foods, or some equivalent because my parents eat very differently from us) this move will absolutely stretch us (!) but david has the right to pursue dreams. heaven knows that man has seen me through such intense darkness with my agoraphobia over the years. it will also improve our financial situation and boost his earning potential probably 15-20k which he could never get in his current field.

And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life.
Matthew 19:29

and not that i am doing this tit for tat but someday i hope he will support me in opening a bakery or something when we're old farts. (i secretly already have a name picked out. yup, dork)

im standing on the cliff of change, dangling my toes over the edge. i can't help but still be sad about all of this. i LOVE this house, i birthed my daughter in it! and coupled with my tendency for being incredibly sentimental i'm rather a mess inside. it's very hard to begin to carve out a place in the world and give it up. really what i have carved out is on the inside but it is so strongly connected to where i am at physically that i'm having problems separating fact from emotion. all i can do it try. this song is helping and hurting -

feist - how my heart behaves

i love my parents and we get along great but when i sit down and think i am going to live with them (with two children!) until i am 29 years old i want to burst into tears... again. God laid something on my heart last night and i really hope i can continue to revisit it during the trials that will no doubt come throughout this perspective living arrangement. i was impressed upon to consider the garden. you plant a seed and nurture it and when it comes up then it's time to show some tough love and thin the seedlings. something must die for other things to live more strongly. my fears are that i will (as the song says) become "like water lost in the sea" by living with my parents. the small cultivation of my personality over the last 2-3 years has been HUGE and was it all for nothing? will i lose those things? will they become absorbed or diluted by outside influences? here i have a sense of dominion over things and i fear losing that to be frank.

david scolds me for being so emotional and attached, for not taking on his logical thinking patterns and looking full force at the end result. that is not how my heart is designed and i can't be any other way than how i am made. my heart feels sort of smooshy.