Friday, January 11, 2008

private anniversary + brevity/gravity

tomorrow marks the day in which olive will have been outside as long as she had been inside my womb.

ive been thinking about life and it's brevity and gravity, what matters, what doesn't (or shouldnt). im trying to be more present in my life instead of having a mental to-do list and checking each thing off before rushing off to do the next. instead of trying to sneak out of the room as olive drops off to sleep i sit and stroke her hair and feel grateful for opportunities to realize how fleeting it all is. in hindsight i rushed through augustine's infancy, in some ways manipulating the experience so that *i* would get through it more quickly and conveniently and POOF now his babyhood is in the final stages of melting into boyhood. it slipped through my non-present fingers and no grasping can bring it back.

life is so fast and so long too. it seems just a moment ago i was living on the art of happiness in a bus traveling across the sierra morena mountains feeling so cultured, independent, wise even. (ha) now i live with one hand on my heart and the other holding a children's book as i over annunciate & do silly voices and gestures. i feel older but certainly wiser in the truer form than i ever have. im nowhere near the finish line, but im certainly not at the starting line in all of this either. a moment ago i married my high school sweetheart. a moment ago we shared a 500 sq/ft rat-trap of an apartment that had a water heater the size of a breadbox that necessitated the use of many pots of boiled water to fill up a bath (but we felt like King & Queen of the world, so full of love and optimism). a moment ago david graduated college at the top of his class. a moment ago we trusted God to provide a job & money when we had neither (and He did). and in just another moment david will graduate college again. in just a blink of a moment i will mother a smelly teenage boy and a rebellious teenage girl. not far from now ill have my first grandbaby bouncing on my knee and relive my life right now through the eyes of someone i once bounced and nursed and tickled and over annunciated and did silly voices and gestures to.

10 comments:

saylor days said...

this is how i think all the time.and having children definitly makes someone think this way.it's good to savor,relish,treasure every moment that can be a task or chore with our children....because so soon they will not need us-to bathe them,feed them...
i'm just remembering your message! we were at someones house but i so totally want to go to that community center sometime.do you know when the next dates are?!

rachaelart@gmail.com said...

Hello! I have been reading your blog for a little bit. Lurking if you will. You are a friend of a friend of mine on LJ and when you left a comment I saw your icon with your son's name on it. I thought it was the best name and clicked on the person who would name her son something so fantastic. Since it was closed for friends I clicked on the link to your blog and here I am. In a world of motherly perfection.

Sorry for such a long comment. You said something in this post that made me want to comment. "...feel grateful for opportunities to realize how fleeting it all is."

I like how you phrased that.

Sometimes I say that I think I'm TOO greatful sometimes because it hurts. I start to think of how fast everything goes and it makes me sad.

Great post.

oldschoolmama said...

beautiful.

rayray said...

aaaah! you're making it sound too fast!!! :) ryan's 8 days today. it's been better this time, i know i'm horrible, but when we had avi really didn't want kids yet. i just got pregnant cause my husband wanted kids, and i had no GOOD reason to say no (although maybe not being ready is a good reason) so once i had avi i was so depressed the first month about being a mom. what a dork huh? anyhoo, this time i wanted to get preg and i got to have my homebirth , and ryan is so cute and fuzzy headed and i'm actually enjoying it. plus, ryan sleeps better next to our bed than in it, which means i sleep better cause i can roll around in bed. :) and i don't have WAY too much milk this time like i did last time, and EVERYTHING is just easier. oh and i'm even getting sleep! yippee!! :D :D

Oldnovice said...

I don't think it's typical to think about how fleeting life is when one is your age, Jenny Mae. I'm just NOW thinking about this at 60, wondering how time just got gobbled up somewhere between the years when I couldn't find enough ways to amuse myself on summer vacations from school as a child and today. I wonder if thinking about it when you're young changes anything. Heh.

jenny mae. said...

michelle - it was fun! i went solo with the kids, missed you! google "worthington community center" and check out their winter brochure for all of the dates, including the ones for swimming!! we are SO there!


rachael art - motherly perfection? clearly you havnt been reading very long ;)


rayray - 8 days already! ee!!


old novice - i hope it does change things. i hope it makes me not squander any days

Anonymous said...

This comment made me cry... it made me realize that the same anniversary was quickly approaching for my soon to be 9 month old daughter... it made me sit down and write a letter to her telling her that with her birth the love in my heart has been multiplied in ways I could never have imagined. Thank you for reconnecting me with my most primal motherly instinct -- LOVE.

Radiantsun said...

Well in all honesty nobody is "perfect" but watching the videos you post, how you talk to them. How you and your husband make them laugh and give them good food (not crap). I think that's pretty fantastic!

Alia said...

I just loved this one. Didn't if I should smile or cry (I did both).

Missparker said...

"not far from now ill have my first grandbaby bouncing on my knee and relive my life right now through the eyes of someone i once bounced and nursed and tickled and over annunciated and did silly voices and gestures to." I think that for whatever reason, this sentence really hit home for me. It even inspired a conversation with a friend regarding or own moms, the bond that we cannot fully realize, and our hope to one day have our own children. Thanks for sharing this with those of us who have yet to experience our own silly voices and bouncing babies.