Tuesday, January 06, 2009

prayer of st. francis

my brow is set in a constant furl today. and not the pensive, thoughtful kind. no, it is the wound up, frustrated, jaw clenched variety that might account for 1/25th of the gray hairs growing on my noggin. what i deal with, what i try to balance in my small world is nothing. greater fights have been fought with greater penalties and smaller people have fought them and won. i pour over our teensy bank account and stress over health insurance costs (david has to have it to attend ohio state), trying to wear so so many hats on one tiny little head of mine. i work from my computer but i've got to get it all done while simultaneously raising two little kids and taking care of the house. and facebooking, let's not forget about facebooking. yesterday was the first time since we've been married that i ever said "honey. i wish we had more money." i dont mean More Money i just mean "enough money" because i've never seen us go into the red before, never been so much as a day late on a bill. we arent there but im stressing as we approach that place i dread. remember that ad on tv, maybe it was locally run only where the monolog is saying in this really fast, high pitched voice "new school clothes, groceries, books, pens, paper, calculator, bills, car payment..." and then the lady blinks really slowly and it makes a cash register noise? then the tagline says "so broke you can't even PAY attention?" we arent broke, i shouldnt have even said something so strong as that, but im just stressing over money and really i've never done that before. we have a long long history of the Lord taking care of us, especially financially. we've had periods where david couldnt find a job and one day a random check arrived because we had some credit at the school bookstore or something and BAM! the amount took us almost to the penny to his first paycheck. i do not question the Lord's provision. but my brow is still furled and im still clenching my jaw and wish i had "enough".

but then i sit back and consider what is going on in the world and it seems foolish, ignorant, almost elitist even to complain about my first world problems. i've been keeping a copy of my most favorite prayer with me during the day, looking at it, repeating it so so often. it helps me try to sort it all out and give things up that are not mine, and just breathe.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.



JG said...

i was writing a letter last night and mentioned that prayer, and how much it's carrying me through things right now. it puts things into perspective.

kran said...

I find it absolutly amazing how things tend to work out. I am a firm beliver in everything happens for a reason. Financial worries just suck, but it usualy works out. Trust me I know! Jason and I have went from a two income home to one real quick and I often wish there was enough. But we always seem to make due. Keep the faith.

Corin said...


And thank you for sharing that prayer.

Mrs. Motley said...

We are right there too. Lump in my throat, pit in my stomach at all times. Oh, I am tired of it. I keep telling myself how much worse things could be, but still it's a sucky place to be in.

aceofhats said...

Honker- I think the weighty part of this issue with us is always the goals/dreams/stuff we want out of life versus the reality of living within our means. "Our means" sometimes results in small hits to our pride. How many times have I wished we could afford cable to watch a particular game? Or take an extended vacation? Our perception is always what we wish we had, but I've never done without. I think a small amount of survival budgeting is good long-term. Even if you start to sweat.
PS: if you're short on cash, I will offer to buy that Lovey that Augy always seems to be hogging for himself...

aceofhats said...
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jenny mae. said...

in some ways i wish we made extravagant purchases or spend money on things we dont need. but really i dont feel we do so therefore i dont have something obvious to cut out. the only luxury item we have is cable tv. but yes if push comes to shove, i think lovey might have to go to the blackmarket dealings. survival man!