rubber band free and other nuggets

i am pretty much always going to talk about my struggles with anxiety and the ins and outs of medication. it's what's going on in my life so often so if that bores you, you probably aren't going to like reading my entries.

i'm still taking 40 mg of celexa and it's going pretty well. i feel that now, 5 months on it i've finally hit that stage of plateau where i can step back and weigh the pros and cons and in general reflect on how my body reacts to it. there is now a very defined "pre" and "post" celexa. "pre" was survivable but i am very happy to be living in the "post" at this point. i haven't had a full blown panic attack since late October, and only a hint of one as far back as early December. the main thing i feel is that my body does not go as far as it once did with intrusive/negative/irrational thoughts. initially, these thoughts were gone completely. my mind was quieted from all of the chatter that gets me amped up and made me physically react to or altogether avoid perceived negative situations. it is odd to look back and see how controlled i was in almost every area of my life. simple things like getting groceries or going to a restaurant had an underlying level of compulsion attached to them. of course i am only able to see it now that i no longer feel it (as intensely at the very least). while i certainly still feel more comfortable doing these things (like facing doors in restaurants or always having a meticulously organized and detailed grocery list/taking the same route through the store) i don't NEED to do them to combat an anxiety attack. i've been trying to push myself farther and farther. i have discontinued wearing rubber bands on my wrists - previously used as a calming technique - and i often will leave the house without my ativan in tow. something i would have never considered in the past.

the only real negative side effects to speak of are slight loss of spacial awareness and recalling words is a little tougher. like today i couldn't remember the words TRASH BAGS. i just sputtered and snapped my fingers until augustine filled in the blank for me. frustrating but not the worst thing in the world considering some of the horror stories people have about taking medication. overall i sleep worlds better and in general i just feel hope about my condition, which i've never really felt before. instead i've felt resignation. which is neither healthy nor Godly.