i would rather be doing almost anything else than picking out what to wear to a funeral for a 2 year old but that is what i find myself doing today. it is a biological inevitability that we all will die and yet i still can't bring myself to be okay with it. there is something deep in me that wants us all to live forever. and who knows maybe we will in one way or another - whether in heaven/hell or as energy or as something else recycled or renewed. the point is that this is awful. it socks you in the stomach and kicks you to your knees. and it wasn't even my child! but deacon was a part of our human family and so we grieve and breathe back the tears. or not. i came into augustine's room two nights ago and we had found a little calculator amongst his toys that deacon left here the last time the degarmeaux's were over for dinner. augustine wept and said that he wanted to put it on his little grave.
and so today i am breathing back those tears with every breath because at 4 o'clock we are going to his viewing and in the morning his celebration of life. there is much to celebrate and that will come i'm sure. but for right now their family is lost to the darkness of grief and loss.
God be near is all i keep saying in my heart when after a moment of busyness my mind strays back to the sadness. a thousand times a day God be near because i just don't have any other words or requests. every day olive prays that Jesus will do a miracle and raise deacon back to life. AND THIS KILLS ME because he could! but it's so hard to pray for such things even if you know by your faith tradition that you should boldly ask for what you desire and that it could happen. but my faith feels worn out when it comes to the subject of children dying. i just want to roll over in a ball and quit. just turn away and limp past it, huddle my children to my chest and stop talking about it. God be near