Friday, March 25, 2011

God be near

i would rather be doing almost anything else than picking out what to wear to a funeral for a 2 year old but that is what i find myself doing today. it is a biological inevitability that we all will die and yet i still can't bring myself to be okay with it. there is something deep in me that wants us all to live forever. and who knows maybe we will in one way or another - whether in heaven/hell or as energy or as something else recycled or renewed. the point is that this is awful. it socks you in the stomach and kicks you to your knees. and it wasn't even my child! but deacon was a part of our human family and so we grieve and breathe back the tears. or not. i came into augustine's room two nights ago and we had found a little calculator amongst his toys that deacon left here the last time the degarmeaux's were over for dinner. augustine wept and said that he wanted to put it on his little grave.

and so today i am breathing back those tears with every breath because at 4 o'clock we are going to his viewing and in the morning his celebration of life. there is much to celebrate and that will come i'm sure. but for right now their family is lost to the darkness of grief and loss.

heart smash.

God be near is all i keep saying in my heart when after a moment of busyness my mind strays back to the sadness. a thousand times a day God be near because i just don't have any other words or requests. every day olive prays that Jesus will do a miracle and raise deacon back to life. AND THIS KILLS ME because he could! but it's so hard to pray for such things even if you know by your faith tradition that you should boldly ask for what you desire and that it could happen. but my faith feels worn out when it comes to the subject of children dying. i just want to roll over in a ball and quit. just turn away and limp past it, huddle my children to my chest and stop talking about it. God be near


Lisa said...

Big deep breath for you. Of course this hits you deep. Death is always wrong, and doubly so for someone so new. It should never have been, and I live in hope for the day when it never will be again. May peace find your family.

Madi said...

Each night I put my hand in Nora's chest to make sure she is still breathing... I can't help it, I'm afraid of going one morning to wake her up and can't do it. I can't imagine the pain of those parents. That's God's plan, but sometimes I wonder why a child and not a bad person. My prays for that familly and my tears for the kid.

Eva said...

how sad and tragic :(

Christopher said...

This is heavy..

Shawna Marie said...

praying the same thing over your family as theirs...God be near <3

send Your comfort Jesus!

Vicky said...

My condolances to you and to Deacons parents.
You are in my thoughts at this tragic time.

Sarah Jane said...

It's a small world.. we go to church (Veritas) with the Degarmeaux.

We were so crushed to hear the news in church this week.
Breaks my heart. :(