this year has been a hard one on my heart. at the beginning of the year i dubbed 2008 "the year of treating others responsibly" but my heart will forever observe it as "the year of childless parents & parentless children". every sunday during worship especially, i find the memory of what happened in february rip open the stitches ive tried so hard to bind up. i get red faced and my breath shallow singing blessed be the name of the lord, and have yet to make it through it since february with all words being audible and hot tears coming down my face. last week? maybe the week before jeff preached briefly about how essential worship is to our souls. that even if we don't feel it, we must because it is transformative in it's power. ive never known that before this year. if i wasn't feeling it i just didn't get into it, stood there arms crossed and frowning waiting for the "real" part of the service to get going. but now i see that the wounds need to be reopened and for me, that happens when i revisit the hurt through surrendering during worship. i've got to keep taking it back to the feet of jesus and saying i don't know what to do with this pain. it's yours. your will be done.
i hope someone releases balloons at my funeral someday