family shread
my repetitive thoughts have been better this week. so much so that i've been able to stop wearing/snapping the rubber band for a day or so here and there. one day it slipped my mind completely until mid afternoon when my hand mechanically went to snap it and it wasn't there. it's still definitely a struggle though. i am oddly thankful that i've already traversed this kind of situation a few times before so i know it will pass if i just wait it out. when i reread my journals from the onset of my anxiety, gosh i just want to pay myself on the head and reassure my 20 yr old self that it was going to get better. i can remember twice in my anxiety-life that i honestly felt that i would feel better if i spent the night in the hospital under medical supervision. not because i would self harm but just because i felt SO MESSED UP and pretty much just wanted to be sedated until the big feelings calmed down.
so we've decided on sending our kids to clinton elementary - this is the one that augustine already goes to and is our designated area school. we didn't get chosen high in the lottery but even if we get a notice this summer that our number came up (which would basically mean both kids got in as they do not separate siblings obvs.) i think we're going to turn it down. the big reason for me wanting them to go there is that they have an amazing school garden. more on that later. i want my kids to be deeply connected to their food and the the process of growing and all that. at the same time i don't feel school is the primary place they would learn this, not to mention that i don't feel this is lacking in their life anyway. the other bonus is that it's just 3 blocks away and clinton is like 5-6 blocks. boo hoo right? however the deciding factor for david was how amazing augustine's friends are at his current school. i genuinely love so many of his friends. they are good, sweet, thoughtful, fun children and i feel the same way about their parents when we interact! if they switch school we only know one kid augustine's age. i'm feeling really good about this choice!
i'm also joining a new organization here called "going public" which is a group dedicated to keeping our kids in public school and making our neighborhood schools amazing. this is very much what i believe in! i do not want to pull my kids from public school. i am not called to be a homeschool parent and private school doesn't fit our lifestyle or values. but never say never! that is a big thing i've learned about being a parent! the first meeting is this friday and i'm very interested to see the turn out. our neighborhood is an interesting pocket within columbus. i'd say it is the most family friendly, hands-on, affluent area within columbus public schools. which is why our elementary school is the top ranking in the city. however as at-risk schools in the city shut down the area lines for the middle school and high school have grown, making the middle school and high school not a real reflection of the neighborhood values and a lot of kids get put in private schools or the parents ditch the city for the burbs. never say never, but i really think david and i would never ever move to the suburbs. clintonville is where we want to live for the rest of our lives.
so i mentioned the garden. this is the first year i will not be growing any edibles and honestly i am struggling with this. the past four years i've been involved in community gardens and i just need to take a break and literally and metaphorically lie fallow. growing things is spiritual to me. i find so much of God in nature and the process of building soil and helping raise up plants to their potential. but it is difficult for me as it is to balance being a working mother with children, especially during the summer. working from home is very challenging and something always has to give. this year i want to experiment with what it would look like to spend more time with them and less time doing x, y, or z. so gardening was sadly but purposefully on the chopping block. it is our hope to completely redo our front yard next year by tearing down our retaining wall, raising up/leveling our yard, and adding some raised beds. waiting is a difficult but necessary medication for this season of my life.
and the second video, i can't get the audio to sync with the picture so eh screw it.
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